get that kid out of here

sandwichone123

Hi all,

My dh gets very mad at my grown son. He views my son as a deadbeat living off of his mom, and my son is never deferential enough for his taste. My son pays rent and helps (minimally) with the running of the household.

Part of the problem is that my son remains at least partly as a backup caregiver, but my dh doesn't see that. For instance, I was visiting my dad last week when dh's glasses broke. My son was able to take him to the glasses shop, but if he hadn't been there I wouldn't have found out about the issue until I got home late in the evening. Next month I'll be taking a four-day business trip (YIPPEE), and my son will be there to make sure there is food and give my dh a ride if he needs one.

Today my dh asked me point-blank, "Is that kid going to be here until we die?" I completely drew a blank except knowing not to say "He'll be here longer than you will," and I eventually said I don't know. I'm looking at placement options, although we're far from needing that right now, but it's on my mind when he starts dumping on my kid.

Any ideas for better planning/discussion/stories in this situation. Dh has kids, but they haven't been out here since I've known him, and there is no support in that quarter.

Quilting brings calm

I wish I had some advice.  In my case, I’m the one my step/dad rails at. Mom’s diagnosed. I’m trying to get him diagnosed. He resents the hell out of  me ( the only child here ) and thinks his children ( who don’t speak to him) are wonderful.  

I suggest you use the fiblet technique.  Adult son is saving for a house. He will move out when he has enough saved and the housing market stabilizes.   Adult son is here to help you do xyz - but don’t mention anything that is about your DH- it’s al about helping you 

sandwichone123

Thank you, QBC. I've seen your situation but hadn't related it to my own. Those fiblets are a good idea.

harshedbuzz

sandwichone-

I am so sorry you are smack-dab in the middle of two people you love. It's hard.

My situation was a bit different, my dad had dementia but I was never his favorite and was subject not only to constant judgement and criticism for things I did/am-- he conflated every bad decision of his mini-me (my late sister who subjected my parents to a lifetime of heartache) to be my work as well. 

A lot of people here suggested it's the disease talking and I suppose to some degree that is true, but if you've grown up with that script circling in your head it is difficult to accept that and let it go. I'd already done a fair amount of therapy around this, so I came to this nonsense with the ability to reframe going along to get along as a kind of manipulation (giving me the upper hand) that allowed me to keep dad calm and improve my mom's quality of life. Sometimes I would be called upon to be really over-the-top in order to keep him from believing mom was cheating or I was stealing from him which would force me to lay it on thickly about how handsome, smart, clever and wonderful a parent/husband he was while my own son would have to leave the room to avoid howling with laughter. Ironically, as the disease progressed and dad became more dependent on me, our relationship improved a lot. I got to see the sweet little boy his aunties always described and when he passed we were on good terms. 

Perhaps if your son saw it that way, he could could offer up the deference your DH needs at this time and life would be better for all of you. 

I found this to help me get into the proper mindset for empathy-

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

HB

sandwichone123

Good perspective, HarshedBuzz. My son actually has a much better attitude about it than I do. I sent him Understanding the Dementia Experience early in the process, and he's shared it with other family members. But it's me that dh complains to--he and my son largely ignore each other.

My son doesn't argue with dh. He totally gets it. He argues with me (or just has a discussion, which dh sees as the same thing), and that's when dh gets mad (which I appreciate, to some degree. I like that, for once in my life, someone wants to stick up for me). For the most part, my son and I talk when we're on a walk or something and it doesn't impact dh, but we talk when making dinner and sometimes at mealtime. For the most part meals are silent now, because dh can't participate but gets mad when everyone is talking but him, but sometimes we do talk, which can be an issue.

Mostly, he thinks my son should just go--grow up and leave. OTOH, I appreciate the company.