New caregiver and drowning

microgirl

Hello, 

My dad has dementia-undiagnosed but with symptoms of sundowners. He is 93 and my mother-his primary caregiver is 92. They are stubborn and determined to stay in the 4 br 2 story with a walkout basement home. I live 45 minutes away but my sister who is retired and a nurse is within 5 minutes. My brother is 10 minutes away but still works. 

Dad has stage 4 kidney failure and has an in dwelling catheter. He gets confused about finances; panics if my mother goes out with one of my siblings (we try not to leave him alone).

They are not strong on their feet and we fear falling; we fear he will give out his ss number or other information on the phone; we fear that he is writing checks to anyone asking for money-they receive many in the mail; we are really stressed and need guidance. 

Any help would be so appreciated!

Thanks-Chris

Battlebuddy

Welcome Microgirl. 

   You will get lots of help and support from caring and wise people here. Nothing like another caregiver coming along side you who has been there done that. 

   It sounds like you have a lot of family close to you. That’s good. Even 46 minutes away is not too far. My first question is does anyone have the caring documents necessary to get things done? Is there a durable power of attorney and who holds it? Healthcare proxy? Those documents are essential to make decisions for another. If they aren’t in place they need to be put in place as soon as possible. When that is done , the DPOA  needs to shut down leaks in the finances . There is a way to do this but it requires that person stepping in and creating accounts that hold funds so that your father doesn’t give his money away when he needs it most.  

  We are here to help. You are not going to drown I promise. We will hold your head above water till you can swim on your own. We have been where you are and we survived. You will too. The beginning of this journey is super scary and overwhelming . 

Rescue mom

Welcome, and so sorry you have to be here. But you will find more good practical advice here than anywhere IME. Please spend some time browsing through the forums and boards for info on many issues.

Others will chime in, but what seriously alarms me first, and most, is finances.. Many people here have lost six figures, almost everything,  b/c a LO with dementia gave it away or bought useless crazy stuff. Your parents will seriously need all their money and more, for their own care. You have to get control of checkbooks (or charge cards, whatever) ASAP, if they’re spending unwisely. 

Does anyone have a POA? If not, you’ll really need it, and fast. But if not, for right now, can somebody intercept their mail, at least get the written money requests out of sight. . Many families must take the charge cards. Often they leave old or sample cards in their place, so it looks like a card, but won’t work.

Other caregivers have talked about freezing the credit cards/bank accounts. I’m not sure how without a POA, but I think it’s been done.

Yes, if they notice, it may make them mad. That’s better than them being broke, which has literally happened when the PWDs kept control of money too long.

What about phone solicitations? The computer access? All are ways they can lose money faster than you may think.

microgirl

Thank you so much

RobertH

It they're using cell phones (iPhone or Apple) you should be able to have the phone block spam calls, also you may be able to configure it to ignore ALL calls not on the contacts list (that will prevent most scam calls from getting through) 

On A Landline , see their service also offers spam blocking / blocking unknown or unlisted numbers.

To help protect their SSN / Credit, contact the credit agencies and put a freeze on their accounts (it's free if you do it yourself) 

You may also be able to set up alerts with your bank to get notifications on any activity on their account (you'll either need to be on the account of have POA if I recall correctly) 

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harshedbuzz

If you don't have POAs in place that allow you to act, it's best to seek them now or go for an emergency guardianship so you can legally take control of the finances. My dad lost $350K day-trading in the middle-stages. I would encourage someone in the family to do a deep dive into their financial picture so you know how much is available for their on-going care. 

In your shoes, I would research both MCFs and SNFs in case one of them has a qualifying hospitalization/needs rehab and also in the event one mom can no longer care for dad because of illness or death. If one of you would take dad into your home, then you'd want to make the necessary updates now so they're ready on the fly.

Fully one third of caregivers died before their LO, so it's best to have a Plan B to implement if that becomes a reality.

HB

microgirl

My mother is in denial-she believes that my dad will get better; will drive again. My sister told her that the car needs to be out of the garage and gone! My mom’s reply “ I know “!

Yesterday, my parents were trying to figure out my dad’s book keeping. I found a statement for a credit card that no one seems to know about!!! I coached my dad on how to cancel it! I coached my mom in calling the bank to get a balance-she said, “I will get your father! I told her she is perfectly capable and her name is on the account “. She’s 92 and has never had any control of the finances. I told her we need a POA and she agreed. Now to get my brother on board-my sister is aligned with me-my brother can’t face my dad’s illness!

This is so hard. 

SusanB-dil

Hi microgirl - welcome to 'here'...

yes - 6 figures here, too. gone. and still trying to clean up a really bad mess!  and this was mostly because of a 'trusted' relative.  Sometimes family is not immune to taking advantage of a bad situation... let alone strangers.

I just want to stress - that I agree with other posters - and as you already realize, it isn't going to get better. Steps need to be taken yesterday.

and yes - this is hard. no doubt about that!

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