Being accused by your LO for things you do to help them out - anyone else?

Aimkins

I am new to this forum, but I have found some helpful tips and hope I can get some tips for my issue.

I am the caregiver for my mom, who currently is going through testing to see what type of dementia she has. She has been living with since September and prior to that she live with my younger sister in Virginia for about a year and a half.  I am the only child available to take care of her.  My younger sister will be moving to England for three years for her job.  My older sister has mental issues of her own and is struggling to take care of herself.

A topic I have not been able to find and get some reassurance that I am not alone is being accused of things you have or have not done by your LO.

I have been accused of not giving her the right directions to get to our local store.  She states I have shown her how to get to the store a different way than my husband had.  I have driven her there the way she should go, but if we are out and about and I need to stop there, we have come in a different way.  And she seems to want to hang on to that and blame me for her not being able to get to or from the store.  BTW, the doctor has stated she should not be driving.  That is another issue that I may bring up in a later discussion.

Another thing I had been blamed for, is not making copies of documents she has signed electronically or other documents she thinks I have.  I have tried to explain to her that these documents she is electronically signing are basic forms the doctor needs (ie: HIPPA forms) and there are no need for copies.  And documents I have had, she has specially asked me to hang to them for her.  We were talking about her car insurance and I told her I had the paperwork.  So I brought them out for her and she said she had been looking all over for them and why would I have them.  Finally I just could not take being accused of something she asked me to do and just handed her the folder I had organized with her paperwork.

I know it's part of the disease, but how do you handle a situation where you are helping out your LO, but then being accused of something you did or did not do and not take it personally?  I am to the point where I think both her and I would be better off if she lived in an assisted living home, but then I feel like I am a horrible daughter for putting her in a home.

Thank you for reading this.

terei

First of all, quit explaining.   Your best answer to accusations is ‘I’m sorry.   I must have made a mistake.’   She is not going to change her (broken) mind about what she believes is fact + you will not be able to convince her

This is almost a universal behavior with PWD so you either learn to cope with it by agreeing  + dissembling + distracting + even lying.    OR you can get yourself(+ her) more + more agitated by trying to convince her of the ‘facts’ ….believe me, it wont work.  The best responses to her are the ones that keep her satisfied + calm.    

As far as driving, if her doctor has said she cant drive, she cant drive.  Many here have disabled or removed cars so they are not available for use.

Finally, not everyone is cut out to be an effective caregiver…I am one.   My mom was at AL + than MC during her decline with AD.   I did not consider having her in my home + she would not have wanted me to bring her there either.  I still spent many hours managing her care+ finances but 24/7 caretaking is not in my DNA

Quilting brings calm

You are not alone.  Your. Mom is accusing you because the only other person to accuse is herself.  That would  involve admitting that she’s having issues finding the store.  She’s in denial.  She may never be able to see that she is having issues  

In my case, my mom ( diagnosed) is cooperative and appreciative of everything I’m doing for them.  My step-dad is not.  He’s not diagnosed yet( we are attempting the process).  He’s very accusatory.   Blames everyone around him and holds himself blameless. 

As others will tell you, it does no good to try to reason with them.  However I have not yet reached the point where I can just sit and let my step-dad accuse me of certain things without pushing back.  You have to decide for yourself what you let slide off your back and what you can’t.  

As to 24/7 caregiving, that wasn’t something I could do either.   Not with the relationship between myself and my parents, the relationship between my spouse and my step-father, the layout and location of my house, the needs of my own family, my own needs, my work etc. 

So they are in assisted living. 

SusanB-dil

Hi Aimkins - welcome to 'here'...  so sorry you are also dealing with 'this'

Yes, it is normal to be accused of all kinds of things you supposedly have or have not really done.  If she is no longer able to take care of bills, and has this much confusion on so many other issues, she may no longer qualify for assisted living, just fyi.

However - the driving really is a more serious issue.  Especially with diagnosis, if something should happen (which nobody wants), insurance may not cover anything.  Or if she gets lost, it could end up being a very serious situation for both of you.  We took MIL off the road by "misplacing" the keys, disabling the car, and advising our helpful neighbor "it cannot be 'fixed' " in case she should call him to fix it.  She admitted she got lost once, turned out it was 2-3 times, and then admitted she came to an intersection and forgot what to do. We had put a stop to the driving before we found out about that one! In any case, do not let it get to that point.

editing to add: my mom was in assisted living as long as she was with my dad. when we lost him, they told her she had to have someone there 24/7 or leave. She just wasn't capable to manage on her own, therefore not qualifying to stay there.

Also - totally agree with QuiltingBC - do not try to reason. The reasoning is broken and will only lead to frustration for all.  With MIL, we simply agree, or apologize, or nod in acknowledgement, whatever is appropriate - or whatever works - at the time.

PickledCondiment

Welcome to the forum, you're now among kindred souls with various experiences and thoughts on the topics. 

For me, I've learned to ignore most of the behaviors my LO now exhibits as I know these are not the things she'd have said and done when her brain worked effectively.  That said, her brain is broken and we live with what we've got.  

Echoing the others, willful ignorance on your part is the best course of action.  Arguing or explaining is pointless and will only cause more frustration.  I have no problem admitting I lie to my LO on a daily basis as it makes life more pleasant for both of us. 

Rescue mom

Yes, absolutely…common and widespread. You learn to let it go, however you can. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Really, in the scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. No point in arguing, arguing upsets her and wears you out. I’d repeat what Terei said.

Except….After years of letting it go, agreeing, whatever—my DH with Alzheimer’s started accusing me of having sex (not the words he used)  with strange men, in very public places, with people watching. My immediate, emotional response, was to scream I never did that, would not, how could he say that?

His response? “I saw you.” And he insisted he saw it, I believe he really thought he did. Then he tried to get physical at me. I knew then we were in a very different ballgame. He accused or blamed me for a lot, but *never* said he “saw” something. And never ever tried to hit me.

 I shut up and kept away, he calmed down and 10 minutes later forgot the whole thing. Until another stranger walking by the house triggered the same claims and actions. Again, it happened and ended very fast. I could get away pretty fast, stay away 15 minutes, then he forgot.

I got him to a geripsychiatrist, who Rx Seroquel for the delusions and aggression. It did help calm that stuff down, there hasn’t been another such incident in a while. He still may blame me for various things, but that’s no big deal, everything considered.

The driving IS a really big deal. Your insurance is likely to not cover a driver with dementia, and the liability for lawsuits, regardless of fault, is huge. Look through past pages of the forum, there’s tons of advice on this issue.

Babilv

Welcome, here you will find supportive and knowledgeable, kind and helpful people!

I have recently been in your shoes (exact same thing with being accused of whatever and feeling like I needed to defend or stand my ground). In fact once I started saying things like, ‘sorry if I didn’t do it right’ or ‘so sorry that happened’, ‘sorry if I didn’t understand’ or simply changing the subject, did the accusations stop. It did take me too much time and a lot of tears but we got through and over it, thank God.

As for the driving, I agree with the other responses about hiding the keys and disabling the car. Also, you could just relocate the car and say that so and so took the car for repair.

You are not alone and can always reach out for support, keep doing your best.

Blessings 

wyoming daughter

Hi Aimkins.  I think my very first post on this forum was regarding the stress of telling "fiblits" and learning to go with my Mom's flow.  She used to accuse me of messing up her checkbook, taking her mail, etc. Her brain is deteriorating and it fills in the blanks with all sorts of confabulations.  I think you just learn to let it go, it's a matter of keeping the peace.  You listen, validate, then redirect. Very basic, but hard sometimes to put into practice.  Pretty soon tho, it becomes second nature, you don't even think about it.  It gets easier.

sunnydove

I feel you so much on this. My mom went through a phase like that and it was like adding insult to injury. I gave up my life to come care for her and in return got  accused of stealing her stuff and other mischief. Especially ironic since she takes my things all the time and squirrels them away. I found that responding in a light hearted but incredulous way helped steer her away from the anger without "admitting" guilt. I'd say something along the lines of, "You silly goose! Of course I didn't take your boots! Let me help you look for them! But in the meantime here's a snack or a new funny video to watch."

I hope this is just a phase for your mom as well. Hang in there.