Well meaning family members driving me nuts

NuttyProfessor

I guess I just have to vent a little....

Today I got a whole series of messages from sisters & the aide.  My sisters decided my mom needed to give a graduation gift to the 4th grader next door, and they figured the aide (who doesn't drive and must pay for Ubers) could go run the errands.  I ended up spending an hour today (during a typically busy workday) dealing with this.

I'm also not pleased at the "Hotel Mom" phenomenon, where they use my mom's house as a convenient crash & party pad when they want to come for (frequent) extended visits.   My mother loves it at times, but mostly she gets progressively more and more agitated at all the chaos.  And guess who has to deal with the consequences.  Not to mention that the aides get seriously annoyed...right now the main aide is asking for more money and it has a lot to do with all the added stress.

It's even become a bit of a safety issue.  I had put my old Club (from the 1980s...still works!) on the car steering wheel to stop my mom from driving, which she did try to do once. Unfortunately, each time one of the sibs comes to stay, they want use of the car, and they ALWAYS leave it unsecured.  The last time that happened, I wasn't able to come fix it (midweek....and I work full time) so I asked the aide to do so.  She did but then lost the keys.  I left it alone until my sister came back and then...no more Club, the lock was drilled out.  So once again, the car is sitting in the driveway unsecured.  I GIVE UP.  Kinda hope my mother does take it for a drive and hits a tree or something (hopefully not a person), then even if it's not totaled I can sell it and tell everyone it was.

They're lovely people and they genuinely love my Mom, but...it's like they don't get that their Mom can't take care of them anymore.  Don't know what I can do.  Except give the aide the raise she's asking for, given what she's putting up with.  We've had aides in the past who quit because of the "Hotel Mom" situation.

Does anyone else have to deal with "Hotel Mom"?

Iris L.

These people are taking advantage of you.  You have to put your foot down.

Iris L.

Stuck in the middle

Never had this particular problem, but I have some thoughts about it.

I guess you could sell the car and tell them it was totaled, by you or whomever, but I think I would sell it and tell them you did so for your mother's protection since they couldn't be bothered to secure it.  I see no reason to wait until your mother wrecks it.  Damage to the car is the least bad outcome possible, compared to what can happen to your mother in a one-on-one with a gravel truck.  Or if she drives through a crosswalk full of children.

Then you can close the hotel.  Your relatives need to be told that their mother loves their visits but isn't up to hosting house parties, and that her aides are aides, not personal shoppers or gophers.  Just as you would limit play with a tired infant, you need to limit the demands they make on her.  

You would of course say all of this to them in the most pleasant possible way.  Not bluntly in writing as I am doing.

Quilting brings calm

If I remember correctly, you are waiting on your brother to finish remodeling an apartment for your mom in your building?  He needs to get this done  

 If you have POA, sell the car.  At least relocate it to a storage lot where no one can drive it.   It’s not you or your mom’s responsibility to provide  your sisters with transportation.  Same for a place to stay. 

Your aide should not be expected to take your mom anywhere onyour sister’s say so, nor should  she be expected to have to listen to them try to tell her what to do … or to be caught between all of you.   Inform your sisters that your moms doctor says no more than one person can be in the home with your mom and her aide. Because it’s too stressful for her.   No unrelated  guests are allowed/ so therefore no parties. 

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NuttyProfessor

Thanks all....so helpful to read these responses.   Yes I have DPOA, and a good handle on finances.  Dealing with the car...how I wish I could sell it, except it will greatly upset my mom.  She views it as a very tangible symbol of her independence, and its loss would equate to loss of independence.  I've been working on getting her used to taking Ubers, and she's been warming to that idea so hopefully that will make it easier.

Yep you nailed it on who gets to make all the aide arrangements.  In the best of all possible worlds, the visits would enable me to take a break from constantly keeping tabs on what's happening with my mom and the aide.    I think that's actually my sisters' intent, except for her "blind spots" that unfortunately create massive problems.  Trying to look at it that way.  I have learned that when I set new rules in answer to her self-made crises (e.g. the time when she decided to leave and gave me just 6 hours notice to arrange coverage, which led me to having live-in coverage at all times regardless of visitors), she'll blow up and get all upset, but she also eventually accepts the new rules.  I guess that's how it will be.

mommyandme (m&m)

On the car, if your mom did get in an accident and it was her fault, she could lose everything.  The liability, since she’s diagnosed with dementia, could mean insurance won’t pay. Not sure if you could also be held liable because of the DPOA. I’ve heard of a trick with car keys, if the car uses an actual key to start.  Collect all the keys to the car, get an extra notch carved in it so they will not start the car.  Of course keep one in your possession that works.  If it’s just a battery key fob, take the batteries out or keep them at your house? It’s quite disrespectful to destroy your property, the club, because they just wanted to. I imagine they’d pay for a locksmith or anything else to get their needs fulfilled. So sorry for this.

harshedbuzz

NuttyProfessor wrote:

Thanks all....so helpful to read these responses.   Yes I have DPOA, and a good handle on finances.  Dealing with the car...how I wish I could sell it, except it will greatly upset my mom.  She views it as a very tangible symbol of her independence, and its loss would equate to loss of independence. 



Sell the car. You are not robbing her of her independence-- dementia is doing that.

With dementia, sometimes we have to make the hard decisions that are unpopular. It's a bit like being a parent; sometimes you make choices for safety over convenience or happiness-in-the-moment.

As a financial POA you have an obligation to manage her finances prudently. Maintaining an asset that is unused by her and depreciating does not make financial sense even if she has boatloads of money. (We went through this with my aunt whose sister was guardian)

I would sell the car which is acting as a visual trigger at the moment. You can tell her a fiblet about how the car is in for a recall and awaiting parts held up by supply-chain issues. Rinse and repeat. 

My dad was a total motorhead and saw his license as a badge of his manhood-- I totally get it. We coerced him into selling one car because he didn't want me to have it but hours later he'd sworn I'd taken it anyway. A week later he was easily redirected with the standard "it's in the shop for a recall". He talked about driving the week he died asking me to make sure he had a car at the MCF in case he wanted to go somewhere. By that point I promised so to do. I told him it was in the nurses' parking lot and handed him an old set of keys to carry. 

I've been working on getting her used to taking Ubers, and she's been warming to that idea so hopefully that will make it easier.

Is she doing Uber with her HHA? If not, you might want to consider gogograndparent service for ridesharing. There's a fee on top of Uber/Lyft but I find it attracts a nicer type of driver and I get an email when mom comes and goes. 

HB

MN Chickadee

This is where being a POA can get hard and you have to be strong. Decisions are often not easy or popular. You need to do what is mom's best personal and financial best interest. Having chaos in her home and aides quitting over it is not in her best interest. I would do what QBC said and tell them the doctor says at this stage in her dementia she needs calm, predictable days. Routine and familiar aides. So no more parties, no coming unscheduled. This will only continue to be more of a problem as her dementia worsens. I would just put a stop to it now and be done with it. And them dictating the aide do things outside her job description like run errands for half baked ideas is ridiculous. Of course they quit. Good aides are hard to find, don't continue to let this happen. It puts mom's care at risk. Blame the doctor and lawyer. This is what they say is best for mom and it's my job to enact it. I have to as the legal POA. 

I would disappear the car. Tell mom it is in the shop for recall work and it sure is taking a while to get that part. That way her ego isn't hurt and she can believe it is temporary. Having it there brings so much risk, as well as probably reminding her of wanting to drive it. With memory loss usually eventually the out of sight out of mind works with the car. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Harshedbuzz, can you come over and tell my dad to sell the cars we've got sitting out front? Half joking of course It was a nightmare trying to get info on them for medical assistance since some of them are so old, KBB doesn't have info on them due to their policy on certain age of cars. Mom keeps getting upset seeing her cars deteriorating in our yard and it's only a matter of time that someone reports us, again, to township about making our yard a "junkyard." No idea why dad doesn't get rid of them or fix them up. Two haven't been driven since 2019, and who knows about the others!

NuttyProfessor, so sorry that your family is causing chaos for everyone. Hopefully you have some good insight here from others on how to proceed so all three of you, mom, aide, and yourself, can get some peace! Thankfully my mom hasn't tried to drive since her Alzheimer's DX, we took her keys early after she got hit by a pickup truck. Even if she got her hands on a car key, none are running besides mine, my sister's and dad's which we keep our key on us at all times or safetly put away out of sight.

SusanB-dil

Hi NuttyProfessor - 

I totally agree with the others to get rid of the car and stop the pad-crashing. You don't like it, and I don't blame the aide for getting upset with it all.

It sounds like you are keeping it there not only where she can see it, which could aggravate mom because she should NOT drive, but you are keeping it there just for 'the others' for their use.  Make it go away. "It isn't working and the part is on supply chain back-order"  "it was recalled, is out getting serviced and needs a part".   Why pay registration, tax, insurance on it for them? Used cars are getting fairly decent prices right now - put the money to her bank account or food.