Dad doesn't seem to get it - vent

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Some days my dad seems to understand that my mom has Alzheimer's, some days I just stare at him with a "what the hell" look as he interacts with her. 

He takes defensive tones while speaking with her or gets upset when she says she can't hear or understand what he said. He plays loud music late at night whenever it's time for her to go to bed—music he himself would jokingly call "devil's music." One time when I was trying to get her ready for bed, he comes busting into the bedroom, flops onto their bed and puts on an action movie! Mom kept getting distracted and I had to talk over the tv. Dad turned the volume up!!

He scolds her for asking for a jacket when it's "hot outside," gets upset and yells when she mistakenly accuses him for moving her stuff, gets annoyed when she doesn't eat the random stuff he makes for dinner on Saturdays, etc... Back in March when we were dealing with her having constipation, he would constantly ask her "did you poop yet?!" which was mortifying for her; he still asks her that occasionally to this day too and she's still embarrassed. He tells her to her face that she can't take care of herself, that she can't be left alone, that she can't do this or that, and then I spend the next days with her being anxious about "the children" being left alone and uncared for and it really drains me having her constantly worried and with figuring out creative ways to distract and redirect her from whoever she's thinking about.

He will occasionally say "we have to step into her own reality," which suggests that he has done some reading on dementia but he doesn't seem to put it into practice. I'm constantly putting out metaphorical fires between them from his stubbornness and her anosognosia. I think I've gotten pretty good at saying "oh I'm sorry mom! I did that. That was wrong of me wasn't it? I'll try to do better next time" whenever dad starts to argue with her about something she doesn't remember doing. 

I've constantly reminded him that he should take a calm and friendly tone with her, that she is getting upset. I try and validate his feelings and give him his space before the reminders. When he is scolding her about something she has no control over, I intervene with "I'm not sure you should be addressing it like that" and he usually dismisses me or acknowledges me but continues anyway.

Perhaps I'm setting myself up for failure but I don't know what else to do to advocate for her, to keep him from getting worked up, and to keep the peace in the house. Even the cat has antianxiety pheromones just in case!

Some days I just feel overwhelmed and at a loss on how he doesn't seem to adjust to meet her halfway. Thanks for listening.

Quilting brings calm

I gather you are living with them( or they with  you).   You have my utmost sympathy. My mom and stepdad have a similar dynamic.  Dysfunctional as hell.  Been that way for 58 years.    He doesn’t play loud music.  He plays the tv at full blast.  You can hear it at the other end of their two bedroom apartment at the assisted living center. They couldn’t get along in sone bedroom during the pandemic and they aren’t  getting along in a two bedroom now.   He has no understanding of dementia, even though various relatives in both families have had it. My parents  were not the ones responsible for the caregiving, so they were blissfully ignorant. It’s too late for him to get an understanding of it now since he’s functionally illiterate, 

I have no answers  for you.  Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.  I’m in that same boat with you.  I’m only drowning more  slowly because I don’t live with them. I just manage all their adulting

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Thank you, Quilting. My younger sister and I moved in with them at the tail end of 2019 to help them out financially, then Covid happened then mom's Alzheimer's DX followed shortly after. I fortunately or unfortunately have three days off of work each week so I've been available to help out with mom a lot. I feel like I might be able to handle this situation better if I wasn't living with them, but then again dad doesn't share important information until much later. Having myself and sister here is better in that regard.

My dad might be a little illiterate too or has some other reading difficulty. We, my younger sister and oldest sister and I, frequently send him emails updating him on her and with her doctor visits and he says it's too hard for him to read, that he wants us to tell him verbally, not in writing. The only trouble is that we don't have time to tell him and forget when we would have the time or we have to talk about mom in front of her—which is not ideal. 

It's all just a big balancing act woth a few slips here and there. Hang in there! Hopefully we'll both make it to the other side.

LJS45

Wow, you just described my mom and her husband's relationship. I was not living with them but spent plenty of time with both of them. The TV was always blasting so loud, you could barely speak. He would also repeat over and over, "take your pills!" When my mom would reply that she didn't want to, he would tell her "you have to, you have dementia!" He was also very eager to point out some mistake she had made too, like putting things in the fridge that did not belong. He would get upset with her when she (his words) "pissed the bed". It was heartbreaking. I also despised the way he would constantly ask "do you love me?" I could tell it annoyed her. He would scold her all the time with "don't do that!" like one time when she put socks in her mouth. I jumped in and gently asked her, oh you want socks on, let's put those on your feet. I just felt like I was constantly scrambling to try and fix what I could along with caring for her. Shortly before he placed her in MC, I was sitting with her and she was trying to explain to me in a word salad sort of way, how upset he gets with her when she does something that doesn't make sense The issues continued in MC as well. He would visit and she would ask to go home and he would reply, "you can't!" One time this lead to her banging her head on the glass and screaming. She was transported to the ER for CT scan. MC instructed him not to visit for a bit. You are not alone on this awful journey. Do you think your dad needs more time to himself to regroup if he becomes impatient with her or is it a lost cause? It was with my mom's husband. Some people just don't get it.

Dawn MB

You seem to be mirroring many of our parents here.  I think many of their generation have tumultuous relationships as they were raised to stick together, no matter what.   At least, that is the case with my parents.  Now, in their twilight years, they continue to have the same dynamic, but not the capacity to accept or really understand this awful disease that has been dumped into both their laps.  It breaks my heart to think they are both trapped until something awful gives.  

I know this was of no help to you, but like others have said here, you are not alone.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Oh Dawn, just hearing others with similar experience is helpful for the soul. That can go a long way even if it's not applicable to the situation at hand. It is just terrible that this situation suddenly was dumped into their laps! Not that it's much any difference but my mom's only 72, he just turned 64. It's definitely not something anyone was thinking about any time soon. I myself was thinking around 15 more years before something like this happened. Alas, life likes to keep us on our toes!

LJS, yes, my dad probably needs more time away from her or have more downtime. He won't say. Maybe doesn't know how. I'm trying to learn to give him grace and to meet him halfway. He definitely was raised to be "a strong man" and not ask for help though sometimes he can break free of that. On the days when he is upstairs and mom's downstairs, my sister and I try to occupy her so he can hopefully get what he needs done before her bedtime. He does love her and cares for her but yeah it does seem like he's clueless on what Alzheimer's does to a person. It's just unfortunate when he's ready to rock-'n'-roll and she's a few pages behind. I'm sorry your mom tried to eat socks! I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time but hopefully after some distance you can get a chuckle out of it.

May flowers

My MIL really struggled with how to handle my FIL’s progression and she stayed very stressed at his behaviors, snapping at him often. She also refused any help or advice in handling things, until she got sick herself. She passed in 2017, so she missed the moderate to severe stage. I don’t know what she would have done.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Dad just came home with some toilet paper and immediately let her know that it's "poop paper for [her]." Needless to say it was not well received. Definitely not after I wasn't attentive to her needs earlier and let's just say we had a "bathroom catastrophe" that I had to thoroughly clean up. Oops. We're in the middle of adjusting her pills and it's causing bathroom issues.

Dawn MB

I wish we could add hug emoji's here.

SusanB-dil

Dawn -   ((hugs))  works.  and we do need that often.

harshedbuzz

CWHAT-

Yikes.

Your dad's behavior is worrisome. Could he be experiencing his own cognitive shift? It's sadly not uncommon for a second parents with dementia to be unidentified for a time because they aren't as impaired yet, or because they're scaffolded by the PWD around their deficits, or even because their dementia "looks different" than the other parent's.

In many PWD, slight personality changes including a breathtaking lack of empathy and social filters are the first real symptoms noted. 

HB

suprnut

Wow! This post thread is so enlightening for me. My husband and I care for our neighbors, an elderly couple, the wife is diagnosed with vascular dementia. She is 80yo and he is 90yo. We have been trying to keep them in their home for as long as is possible and I believe we are coming to the end of the road with them living at home.

I see issues with the way the husband is interacting with his wife and I have wondered if he is also experiencing issues with cognitive decline that exacerbate their nonhelpful interactions for both of them. He accuses her of stealing things and has begun to lock things up to keep them from her. He is experiencing a paranoia that doesn't seem appropriate to me. 

His adult children all live out of town and thus why we volunteered to cover day to day medications and meals. We take them to their doctor's appointments and do some grocery shopping for them. Her son lives in the same city, but IMO, seems to be in denial regarding his mom's dementia. 

Fortunately we communicate frequently with the out of town adult children. They are as involved as possible from a long distance. 

Thanks for allowing me to share. I have not provided any helpful ideas, however I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this journey. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Hello suprnut! Yes, it's quiet cathartic to hear people experiencing similarities to your own situation. If you need to, feel free to start your own thread if you need more of a nuanced reply. Definitely accusing others for stealing things and then squirreling stuff away is common for PWD.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Dawn, for hugs, I tend to prefer what's call kaomoji. Kinda like this (>^-^(^-^ ) That's supposed to be two people hugging.  Though SusanB's ((hugs)) is also nice

Hugs, thankfully aren't in short supply here despite my dad being as he is, haha. I go up to my mom and say "hug time!" and she smiles and holds her hands out to me and we cuddle. I'll enjoy that for as long as I can.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

HB, I really hope not but it's probably possible he is having his own cognitive shift. He hasn't always been the most empathetic person and his actions don't seem to be too different. However I know that sometimes being too close can make good assessment difficult since it's a gradual change. 

His memory definitely seems off sometimes. Like one time I sat down with him and talked about something relatively important. Then like three days later, he said no one told him about it and was upset. Another time he was talking to our pastor about the previous week's sermon and asked for clarification. The pastor expressed that he thought he had then, but assumed he didn't because of my dad. However, I was there both times and dad's question was indeed answered by the pastor that same day in the sermon. Maybe he wasn't paying attention. But maybe, but maybe....

If he ends up having dementia too, I think I'll just spontaneously combust. Bright pink confetti sounds nice...