Gig Harbor

M1

Thinking about you today, I think this is it?  Please let us know how it goes when you can.

Ed1937

Gig, no matter how badly this is needed, it will not be a fun day. I hope things progress as well as you hope for. You will be on our minds, and in our prayers.

Gig Harbor

Thank you for your support, I go in today and set up his room and tomorrow he moves in. I am still not exactly sure what I will say. I got a lot of criticism on a FB page I follow for saying I plan to place him. Many said they never expected to to do anything else except be a caregiver for as long as their spouses are alive. I truly believe my husband will settle in and find his “people” and find enjoyment. I don’t think for a second that I can provide all his entertainment and care. He is so bored here. After his hour plus walk he wanders around and looks out the window and would go for another walk if someone offered to take him. His sister used to walk the halls in her facility for 12-14 hours a day smiling at everyone. That will be him. I look at their daily schedule and every 30-45 minutes a new activity is taking place. I will let you know how it goes.

Quilting brings calm

Gig..: I’m in one  of those Facebook groups too.  Your comment is one of my complaints about the group I am in.  People get on there and talk about ‘the honor’ of caring for whomever.  Then they criticize others for being realistic  about the difficulties of caring for a PWD. My distinct impression is that several of those people are miserable and are  trying to justify their decision to themselves by criticizing others who made the choice needed to save themselves. 

As a different post made by Ed said,  their opinions don’t matter.  You only need to explain yourself to yourself.  And you have.  You know what is needed to save yourself.  You can’t save him - there is no cure.  

I hope this week goes smoothly,  update us soon. 

Joydean

Gig, why would you stay in a group like one on Facebook? Caregiving is hard enough, as you well know, without people like that. Sorry, it just really gets to me that some people just want to judge others instead of helping. Okay I will get off my soapbox!  I do hope the transition goes smoothly for your dh. Will be praying for you and your dh. You are and have been and will continue to be a great caregiver! Take care.

NylaBlue

Gig, give no thought to comments on FB, it’s full of posturing phonies. Only you know what is best for your husband and yourself. I hope all goes well tomorrow. You deserve it.

May flowers

Gig, my FIL was exactly like that at our house wanted to walk and otherwise bored and just sat and stared. Just like you described your SIL  in MC, walked the facility off and on during the day. The hospice nurses all recognize him now as the skinny little man in jeans and a baseball cap,p that was walking every time they were there. The activities kept him engaged and he made friends. I am sure your DH will adjust well.

We had hoped he could return to his MC when he recovered from surgery but it didn’t work out for us that way, unfortunately. I have learned in this journey with my FIL that I would  place my DH in the same scenario, when I couldn’t care for his needs whether physically or socially. There is more than one way to lovingly care for our LOs and the judgmental folks on FB can go pound sand, lol.

Gig Harbor

Thanks everyone for your good thoughts. My husband’s move in date is now Friday due to his doctor not getting paperwork done but that is fine. I think a lot of the people on FB maybe are just jealous that some of us are not paralyzed by guilt. My mother spent her last years in memory care and was very well cared for. She lived in Canada so due to insurance she could not have moved to the US and therefore I never felt guilty for not having her live with me. Everyone deserves to be happy at least some of the time. So often with caring for LO we try to make them happy 100% of the time and forget about ourselves. Life has to have a balance and we can’t feel guilty about striving for that balance. I have to say I was a little surprised when I saw how the residents looked but then I realized that the programs had just ended and many had gone back to their rooms. When lunch started there were more active, engaged people at the tables. I really hope my husband does well. He is very confused tonight and said he might as well sleep here tonight and go home tomorrow. I said it might be Friday but that he would get there eventually.

Jo C.

Hi GH; I have been thinking of you; so now the move is on for Friday; I certainly will be thinking of you and hoping for the very best.  Isn't all that clothing labeling a chore?  I thought I would never get it all done. 

You are doing the right thing for the right reasons at the right time - nothing else matters; you and your husband matter.  You are not abandoning him - you will cotinue to be his carer; just in a different sort of way with your oversight and advocacy.   The likelihood is that this change will be beneficial for all the reasons you have mentioned.

Take good care of you too and let us know how it goes,

J.

Joe C.

Gig, I am hoping for the best for you and your DH as you enter the next phase of this journey. Pay no attention to the negative feedback on Facebook, they are NOT walking in your shoes.

toolbeltexpert

Gig it's good to hear from you! You take things in stride and I applaud you. Your doing a great job and you do need to try to find that balance. We all do NO GUILT about it.

Ed1937

Gig Harbor wrote:

I think a lot of the people on FB maybe are just jealous that some of us are not paralyzed by guilt.  

I think that says it all. If you don't mind my asking, which group is it?

Beachfan

Gig Harbor wrote:

Everyone deserves to be happy at least some of the time. 

And that includes the caregiver(s)!  Don’t, for one minute, pay any attention to anyone who would tell you how to manage your life; they have not “walked your walk”.   You will still be DH’s caregiver; just happier in your new role.  Best wishes. Praying for a smooth transition for both of you.  

Vitruvius

Yet another reason I'm not on FB. 

Gig - Only you know what would make the best life for the both of you. FWIW I think you are absolutely making the best possible choice for you and your DH. I don't want to say uncharitable things about people who choose to care for their PWD at home until the end. For some that is the choice that is best for their circumstances. But it is overly judgmental for anyone to suggest that martyrdom is the only justifiable choice for everyone. 

Best of luck to you and your DH. Im rooting for you. 

David J

Gig, You’re doing the right thing, and you know it in your heart and your head. Some of the people who criticize may not be financially able to place their PWD, so they create their own moral high ground as their justification. Forget about them and do what you know is best. 

I went through this 9 months ago, and know that it is hard. I found great comfort on this forum, just expressing my feelings and getting feedback from the group. We’re here if you need a sounding board. 

Dave

Gig Harbor

I can’t find the FB post so I am not sure what FB site it is on. My friend put it this way- your head knows it is the right decision but your heart has not caught up. My husband was really confused last night and wanted to go home. This morning he is asking why we are still here. It is almost like he knows something is going to happen even though we haven’t talked about it.

Ed1937

Your friend is so right. If we didn't have to deal with our hearts, it would be so much easier. Unfortunately our hearts cause so much anguish. But really I guess that's the way we want it. I wouldn't want to be happy that I just put my wife in MC.