Mom is stuck in 1970's anger

Dawn MB

I have a question that may sound heartless, but my father and I are starting to break.   Mom is stuck in some kind of 1970's anger towards my dad.  Dad was not a good husband or father back then and their marriage was incredibly rocky.  Screaming matches over my dad's absence and bar-hopping were constant then, but my dad grew up and became an AMAZING husband and father.   He loves my mother and plans to care for her until the end (We'll see).   Today, however, mom is completely mentally stuck back there.   She treats dad horribly;  gripes and bitches continuously at him and, about him to anyone who will listen.  He doesn't know what to do except roll his eyes or do the "what can I do"  hand flip at her even though I tell him that makes it worse.  At 83, he refuses to get help/advice for himself and I really believes that HE believes, this is his penance.   This is all day, every day.  I don't live with them, but am there a few nights a week and work there on Thursdays and Fridays.  She is just awful all the time.  My wonderful, loving, caring mom is gone.  She is on an anti-depressant, but I do not know what.   Dad does  not want me involved in her medical care because he "can handle it".  

So, with that said, my question(s) is this; will this phase pass?  Will she get to a point when she will become unstuck or forget this anger, or dare I say, more docile?   It amazes me that she can carry such anger all the time when she cannot even remember that she just ate dinner.  Is this anyone else's experience? 

Thank you in advance,

Fairyland

Dawn MB, I am really sorry to read about that. I don’t have any experience it yet myself, but the experience I have had in other areas tells me that he is still in charge and he gets to decide how to play it. You can’t help him unless and until he agrees, or better yet asks for help.

She probably could have meds adjusted, and I imagine in time she will change further and forget about that period too.  It’s probably more about the negative emotions rather than the specific events she is stuck on. It may be an inappropriate expression of actual pain, or fear. Very hard to know though! 

Could you take her out or do something with her that she likes-or tolerates - redirecting all the while from the obsession- while he leaves for a while?  Is there something he would like to do by himself for a break or even a little trip?

SusanB-dil

Hi Dawn -   frustrating for sure!  Any of the phases will eventually pass, but we never know how long it will take.  We know the aggressiveness isn't good for dad, nor you, but I wouldn't think all that agitation healthy for mom, either.

I agree with Fairyland.  It sounds like meds should be adjusted, but if your dad doesn't want to call or tell her doctor what is going on, not sure there is much else you can do since the ball is in his court.  I like the suggestion of either taking her out or letting your dad get out and about for a little while.

Dawn MB

Thank you both for the suggestions.  When I am there on Thursdays and Friday, dad does get to go do "his thing" like going to the barber or grocery shopping.   He even went to a wedding last weekend while I stayed with her.  She complains the whole time he's gone.  "He just goes and goes. And here I sit doing nothing!".  Yet when I try to get her out of the house, even around the corner to a Dairy Queen, she just barks "NO".   Who says no to Dairy Queen?  You a both right in that Dad is in charge and I need to let him be, and just provide some relief when I can.   I will see if I can sway him to talking to her doctor about different meds.  Again, thank you!

Terry M

Wow, this is a great forum. My mom was diagnosed with dementia at the beginning of last year. She's probably been with the condition longer. She's always told tall tales about her life, jobs and growing up so we didn't realize, it could have started way before the big C. We noticed when we had to take my dad to the emergency room in 2020, was intubated within 3 hours and mom kept saying that she had spoken to him, and he had told her to come to the hospital. 

Mom is very mobile but can't tell you who I am or name, my siblings or grandkids. My family has lived in the same house for 40 years, mom knows it's her house but is always putting things in places that make no sense. I and my kids moved in about 13 years ago, I've had made plans at many times to have my own place, but something always happened that was telling me I needed to stay put. 

My dad was an amazing person, I'm not saying this because he was my dad but, because anyone who knew him would say the same thing. My mom's sisters loved him like a big brother. Their parents were not the best. Not very nice people.

I say this because pretty much my mom has not been a nice person as well. Mom dad could not do anything right, always putting him down and he would take it. I now am the brunt of her insults with the new condition. This is truly stressful because the last words through a call we made to my dad the night we made the decision that he wasn't coming home, was not to worry that I would take care of mom. The situation is becoming overwhelming.

I'm looking into daily home care but it's so expensive. Concerned with care my mom would receive. Any suggestions?

So thankful for this forum

Terry

SusanB-dil

Hi Terry M - welcome to 'here'...  it is very helpful here.  However, you would probably get more answers starting your own thread, though.

Sorry you are dealing with it, too.  It is all hard to deal with.  Some folks make promises to assist - as long as they are able.  There may come a point where you cannot handle a LO any longer by yourself, or keep them at home.

May flowers

I’m sorry you and your dad are going through this. My FIL has been stuck in the past at various times, but fortunately unlike your situation, he remembered good things not bad. It could easily have gone the other way. His mother was mentally ill and I’m glad he didn’t get consumed with those memories.

It does pass. At some point she may think he is that handsome guy who takes care of her and she does not connect him with a memory. That’s where my FIL is now. He has fleeting memories of his kids, but has no idea this is his son (and me his DIL) right in front of him. 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Hi again Dawn. That sounds rough to be in the middle of that. Maybe it's a good thing that your dad is rolling with the punches, even if he doesn't quite understand what she's going through or willing to accept a helping hand beyond the times you're there. Hopefully he can accept help before he severely needs it!

Currently my mom is sundowning (or something) and doesn't recognize me nor my dad. She thinks he's "that nice man," who is my boss. Ha! I'm glad she thinks he's nice. Not sure if she's constantly unsure of who he is or if this is another one off thing. 

As May Flowers says, maybe there'll be a point where your mom doesn't recall all the bad memories and just sees him as "that nice man." 

Dawn MB

OMG, I just downloaded Jennifer Ghent-Fuller's "Understanding the Dementia Experience".  My issue of mom being stuck in a 1970's anger was completed explained!!! Memories disappear from newest to oldest.   People with AD often have memories that only go up to a certain age.  So my mom now often only really remembers up until about that time when she was approx. 30 years old. This was a time when her mother was alive and living with us.  She asks all the time "where is mom?".  She tells me how pretty I am and wants to know if I am dating anyone (those days are long gone for me LOL).   As for the anger?  This was a time when my father was often out playing pool and drinking with his buddies.  I'm sure he did much more that I'm not aware of.   He had not yet grown up and the arguments they had were infamous! Those I remember vividly.   Of course, he did grow up and became a wonderful husband, father and provider.  That wasn't until their late 30's.  Since she often only really remembers up until that time frame, she is indeed "stuck in 1970's anger.   This is the most amazing read and is downloadable.   I sent it to my father, but I am not sure he will take the time to read it.  I will, however, be discussing it in great detail with him because now I see how we should be responding.  Thank you Jennifer for helping me see and understand what is going on in my mother's brain.