MC transition is so difficult!

Grandx7

I posted this last night on a different thread but am hoping for additional information from others who have had to place their LO into MC or are approaching this decision.  I am also wondering if other have experienced such rapid declines in their LO along with the inability to contain them in the house and keep them safe.

"I greatly appreciate all of the information this site provides.  I have not read or posted for many months as I have just been trying to cope with the massive changes my DH has undergone in the last 6 months.  I am a retired RN, thought that I could do this at home with helpers but realized last week, with the insistence of our family, that this disease was taking us both down.  My DH is said to be late stage 6 or if you follow the 3 stage chart, late stage.  He's only 74 but looks 60.  We just had our 44 anniversary but he had not idea of the date or its meaning.  He also asked frequently whose house he was in, stated he wanted to go home, and asked our youngest son who his father is.  He became a serious flight risk day and night.  All doors have deadbolts on them, windows have locks and boards to secure them if he opened them and locks on the gates.  In spite of this, he was able to get out back and proceed to jump the fence - in a 5 minute period of time. Fortunately, he had his cell phone with him (he no longer knows how to use it ) and we were able to track him a half mile away.  It was terrifying.  The next day, I had to admit him to a transition facility to try and get his meds stabilized so I can have him admitted to a memory care facility.  Our kids and I have been researching placement and finally decided on one today.  His meds are not stable after 5 days.  My heart is breaking with him being away from me.  We can't visit him until he is medically stable.  The most difficult part of this is I feel like I have failed and that he feels like I have abandoned him.  The staff tells me his continued behavior of exit seeking, pacing and not sleeping is due to the advanced state of his dementia, not that his feels like we have just dumped him there.  He has FTD, AD and VD.  I find myself crying throughout the day but I have much less of the constant anxious feeling when he was home, trying to escape.  I was told that yesterday, he told the staff that he was in Hawaii and had been there for 9 weeks.  That does help a bit that he continues to be that out of touch with reality.

Thank you for letting me vent.   I pray that God will take him quickly" 

Ed1937

I could have written much of what you did. Our kids kept telling me that she needed to be placed. She went into the hospital with a suspected TIA. Then I made up my mind to place her. We already had a place picked out, and they kept her in the hospital for a few days extra, until they could get a bed ready. She went into MC on June 3, and I have not seen her since.

Placing her was the hardest thing I ever did, and it's still hard  because I miss her so much, and want to see her. But that won't happen for a while yet. My wife also feels as though I have a girlfriend now.

Your husband will likely take the transition better than you will. I'm sorry any of us have to do this.

JoseyWales

GrandX7 - Lots of us here who have recently placed our LOs, for just about the same reasons as you, at about the same stage.

I placed my DH in MC  3 months ago. He didn't know our son, started calling out for "help" but refused my help, thought I was going to hurt him or just not supposed to be in our house, wouldn't sleep in the bed, and lots more. He's not any better in MC, but he's being well taken care of. His adjustment to being there was a whole lot easier than I expected.

I took DH to MC without explaining to him what we were doing. I think I did tell him that we were going on vacation. He never asked to come home. I'm not 100% sure he knows who I am now, but usually smiles when he sees me. He did ask for me a few times when he was first placed, but he would do that when he was home and I was with him, so even my presence wasn't going to stop him from asking for me.

I can now go visit him and help him where he's staying. I go every other day and help him eat a meal, and do whatever else he might need, like trim his mustache or nails. But honestly, the staff there would take care of those things if I didn't. The plus side is I can now come home and actually sleep through the night and do things around the house that need to be done. 

DJnAZ

After a 9 day hospital stay for a serious UTI, extended several days while they waited for a MC bed, my wife was placed on June 4. As Ed1937 said, this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Although I have taken things to her, the staff would prefer I don't see her (actually so she doesn't see me) for a few weeks until they feel she is stabilized.

As I have a lot of time now to ponder the past as well as the present, it occurred to me she has much more human contact now than I do. There are other residents, the staff, nurses and doctors and even other family members visiting their LO's. I hope this interaction helps her adjust quickly. She has been my constant companion for years and my shadow the past two and I really miss my best friend.

I have a feeling she is doing better with our new realities than I am.

Grandx7

I appreciate the comments and input.  There is no question that my husband is doing better than me.  He doesn't seem to be aware that he isn't home and we were able to see him yesterday, for the first time in 9 days, he was more interested in getting back inside the building than being on the patio with me and 3 of our grown kids.

I had seen patients that I cared for over the years (when I had to float to an adult floor- infants were my area of expertise), I would hear the family members tell me they hoped their LO wasn't aware of what was happening as it would be so hard on them.  I agree but it has been overwhelming for our family to watch him fade away.  I think I understand why I learned how to do everything around the house and financially - God's way of preparing me for this time when I am alone.  Tough to come to grips with the fact that he isn't coming home again.

Sorry to be so depressing.  I will accept any tips on proceeding forward that anyone has to offer.  In the meantime, I keep praying for the grace and strength to get me through this challenge.

Ed1937

I know this is a hard time because it's still hard for me. It would be great if I could tell you to just do this or that, then everything would be okay. But the reality is that I think we have to find our own ways to get through this. With time, everything will be okay.

Grandx7

Thank you for your kind words.  I must say, my garden is looking fabulous this year!  It is wonderful therapy.  Weeds don't stand a chance against me this season.

Joydean

Grandx I believe gardening is the best therapy for just about anything. It has been for me for many years. Best of luck to you.