Mom wants to go home for 1 day... should I agree?

Rodrigo

My mom has Alzheimer and has been in a care home for about 7 months. 

Since this care home is near my house, I can go there frequently to visit, about 3 to 4 times a week, depending on my work schedule for the week.

There are days that she is calm and receptive and days that she isn't that nice. Even though that is what is expected from this type of disease, it isn't nice when she is in her bad days. 

I tend to be really understandable of the situation she is in, and I know that the care home for her now is the best option I can afford. But on the bad days she always ask the same thing... to go home even if it's just for an day. 

I wouldn't mind taking 1 day to get her and let her stay in her house, but I am always reluctant, because I know how much time it took for her to "accept" the care home, and the process of getting her there was really difficult. 

Has anyone in this forum experienced something like this? Or anyone has any thoughts on this subject? 

toolbeltexpert

Rodrigo my gut is saying noo. You said you remember how hard it was. It never gets easy.  But that's just me. I think you're doing a great job and you deserve a lot of praise.

May flowers

I tend to agree with toobeltexpert… i think it will be hard for her to go back and even when she does she may start asking again anyway.

Rodrigo

Yes, I agree. Just wished things were a little easier, but sometimes we just have to do the right thing even if it means getting your LO to get angry. Thank you for the reply!

Stuck in the middle

She hasn't really adjusted until she starts referring to the place she now lives as "home."  I still remember the first time my mother was ready to leave the audiologist's office and said "Let's go home" meaning Manor Care.  It takes a while.

I think taking her to the house in which she used to live will delay that adjustment, and that day will be unpleasant for you and for her, especially when you take her back.  I wouldn't do it.  In fact, I think I would cut my visit short on the bad days.

None of this is fun.  I didn't like telling my mother "no" either.  Hang in there.

oehlsena

When my LO was still in a care facility we use to take her out on day trips. She would sometimes really be upset about having to return to the care facility at evening time which made me DH not want to take her out anymore. I also was not encouraged to not visit as much because I would be "guilted" about not taking her out of the facility.

MN Chickadee

I would absolutely NOT do that. It will not help anything and will likely set her back in her adjustment to the facility. She may refuse to leave the house then and will undermine your work to get her into the care she needs. I know my LO would not have remembered visiting the house anyway an hour later but it would have stuck something, somewhere in her brain to keep asking about it. They do ask to go home for a while but eventually it will stop and she will come to consider her new digs her home.  Sometimes when they ask to go home it's not even to the home you are thinking of. Many times when my mother was still at home we would pull up to the house she had lived in for 40 years she said it wasn't her home, she thought she still lived in her childhood home. Often they are really asking to back to a time, a place, a feeling when things were ok. That's what you can attend to. Help her know you are there for her, you will take care of her. The best response is to validate her feelings and then move on to a distraction. Say maybe we can go next week when the weather is better, or the repairs are done, or I have more time off work to take you. Keep kicking that can down the road. Ask her what she likes most about the house, reminisce about things that happened in it.

dayn2nite2

That's gonna be a big NO from me.  It will only bring trouble and set her back from adjusting to placement.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m on team “NO”. There’s a time, it seems, that many PWD say they want to go “home”. Sometimes they’re in their home and say it.  My mother seemed to use “home” as meaning “bed” or somewhere comfortable or peaceful.  I imagine your LO probably actually means her literal home, but I’d not do that per all the wise advice you’ve received from all these caring, wise folks.  

I’m so sorry for your struggles. 

ButterflyWings

Rodrigo- you are a great son. And it is unanimous from your forum mates... 

My thought in reading the headline was “why”? Because I could envision her not wanting to leave once there, or otherwise triggering a resistance to her new setting, or feelings of sadness if not anger. No good reason I could imagine for you to agree with dementias request. That’s the way I have to remind myself to consider many of my LO’s thoughts now. It’s his/her disease talking. And my immediate 2nd thought was “ooh... no... “ 

I hope she continues to have more good days than bad for as long as possible. Do take care of yourself as best you can.

Iris L.

 Short term memory loss makes it difficult for PWDs to recognize a new home.  The thing to do is to encourage a routine and a comforting, nurturing environment.  Avoid saying "no", that is only distressing to a PWD.  Instead, say yes, when things are better, when you have time off from work, when the weather is better, and so forth.  Then distract, as directed above.  They need to hear something calming and comforting.  They can't think two thoughts at the same time.

Iris L.