The Fallout after moving LO to a Memory Center

Jerome Likes Pie

Hi Fellow Caregivers,

Do you ever ask a question on here already knowing the answer?  Here goes...

My LO:

    Stage 5, living at home alone, anemic so sleeps a lot, prefers to be alone or only with family, has a care giver come to the house, and my sibling and I take care of everything else as a functional team.  POA's, Elder attorney, etc.

The Situation:

We are close to finalizing a Memory Center and are planning a move in the next few months.  It will have to be a stealth mission, because my LO is aggressively opposed to moving from the house.  My LO doesn't know about the move, but any questions or suggestions about moving to a community like this are given the "thumbs down" by the LO.

So...  after the move into the Memory Center, I highly expect that every time I speak or visit with my LO, the topic will be Why am I here?  I am calling my attorney, you better get me out of here, etc.  I know the answer is "Suck it up," and there is great advice on this forum relating to this, but I must admit, I fear this.  I fear taking my "happily confused" LO from an environment that my LO loves, and putting my LO into an environment that my LO totally hates.  Will I lose my LO's trust forever?

Any advice on how to handle this reaction (as I suck it up)?

Pie

Fairyland

The answer is not suck it up (for LO, maybe it is for the caregiver, in all sort of aspects!).

Of course, they are only in this holiday home for now, while their anemia is stabilised and they get stronger, feel better, the house gets repaired/fumigated/ etc. 

They might lose trust in you, but probably will forget that sooner or later.

M1

Jerome, my partner has been in MC two months today (was in hospital for 3 weeks before that).  I still can't visit without upsetting her, so be prepared that that may happen.  If you instinct about your LO's personality is that it's coming, I would say you are probably right.  But you never know.   I just got back from a new support group meeting at the MC, and the staff there agreed with me that they don't see this changing any time soon.  However, they assure me that she is not unhappy when I'm not there.

The very hard part about not being able to visit is needing to maintain some sort of communication with the staff to be sure she is not neglected.  Are there other people who can visit who won't be such a trigger?  That may help you keep some tabs on what is happening.  And watch how open the staff are to your inquiries, even if you can't visit.  I had to tell the activities director very pointedly that I wanted updates every few days, even if I couldn't be there--and she now does so, which helps a lot.

So:  yes, I think you're right, you may have to suck it up.  None of the subterfuges we tried--temporary rehab, house being painted--had any effect.  She watches the staff like a hawk and tries to exit seek (even writing down for herself that she needed a key card to open the door)--but they are on to her, so it hasn't been a big problem.

Sorry you are facing this.  My ordeal appears to have been worst than most, so I am wishing better for you.

LicketyGlitz

I like pie too!

It's gonna be hard on you both, no lie. But you also might find that your LO gains some benefit out of the extra socialization. Get to know as many of the staff that will be working with your LO as possible, they will be instrumental in keeping you informed of their behavior when you aren't there so you'll get a better picture of how they are faring overall.

Yeah, you're most likely going to lose their trust, but remember, it's dementia. They will most likely not remember how much they distrust you at some point. When my sister and I moved my mom to memory care we made a pact to each blame each other when we would visit her separately! Lucky for us our mom wasn't terribly verbal by that time so we skipped out on a lot of furious blame from her. 

And know that memory care works for so many families for a variety of reasons, and sometimes it doesn't (we brought Mom home after 5-weeks - it was more stressful having her away than having her at home!). You are making the best decision for the situation and if dementia zigs in a way that may require a new one, zag to a new solution and keep on trucking.

Good luck to you and your LO.

SusanB-dil

Hi Jerome - 

A lot of posts on this subject.  I agree with trying to say that her doc wants her there 'temporarily' to get a handle on the anemia...  and some try the fiblet that the house is being worked on.  Hope you can get at least some of the 'blame' off of you - blame it on the doc, insurance, the house... maybe something of that nature will work.

zauberflote

Pie, we did this twice, and I didn't get on this forum until three weeks after the second time, so we had plenty of experience of fallout with no helpful abatement. 

Mom lived independently for nearly 20 years after Dad died. She began slipping (as we can see in hindsight!) in her mid/late 70's, while she was still having a very successful run at her second bachelor's degree. By her mid-80's, our sister (to whose town Mom had moved after Dad died) was pretty much running two households, her own+Mom's. She and Mom made the decision that Mom would move to AL, and Mom chose the dingier, rattier of the two AL's available-- because one of her close friends had recently moved there and enjoyed it. In the time between decision and move-in, said friend died, but for whatever reason, management was not allowed to tell Mom, nor anybody!, of this. Mom moved in, and promptly forgot that she had chosen "this awful place" (it was indeed awful in every way except quality of caregiving, which was somewhat comforting to us). Adjustment took about a year, with monthly long-distance visits for day trips and treats from our brother and me. Mom eventually professed herself as having learned to be content with her circumstances. 

Then came the hospitalization from "H E double hockey sticks", and brother and I, who were first responders to medical emergencies, determined that our physical and mental health had to outweigh Mom's sense of well-being. We moved her to an AL/MC facility in my city, where she could age in place until death unless skilled nursing was required. But she was 90 at that move, and had made her medical wishes very clear long before, so we were pretty comfortable assuming no SNF would be in the cards. So that was a brutal upheaval and uprooting. I'd say that the massive shock robbed her of any ability to rebound, and her decline was fairly steady after that until her death at 92. 

We did lose her trust, at least three times, and after the second move she spent a few days talking about walking back (from Virginia to upstate New York!) if she couldn't fly, and/or wishing she would die, and would just sit there holding her breath until she did! For that one, I expect she forgot she was holding her breath.... But each time her trust returned, as bro and I became the rescuers rather than the villains. 

I visited her twice a week while she was still able to skooch into my tall minivan for entertainments, but the outings slowed and stopped as time went on. After that, I visited once a week mostly (I think) because it was so hard on both of us.

This has gone on quite lengthily, I hope I haven't bored you with oversharing!

Jerome Likes Pie

I am grateful for everyone sharing and providing their advice!

Pie