Building Reslience

Daisie

To set the stage, I'm an only child with no extended family nearby who has my 88 year old mom with mid-state dementia living with me. I work from home. 

I'll be the first to admit I'm experiencing caregiver burnout. However, I also know that I need to build up my resiliency so I can let things roll off. While my mom is aware she has MILD dementia and resulting memory loss, she's unaware that it has progressed. If she forgets something or doesn't understand something, I get the brunt of it as being the one with the memory issues, the one who doesn't communicate well, the one who's so impatient. If I'm tired or not feeling well, she'll latch on and use it to her advantage. It's because I'm too "tired and forgetful," or am too "tired and impatient."

I know I have to buck up, but I'm having a hard time finding appropriate self-talk to bring myself down from the ledge. I start second-guessing myself and trying to the cracks in my armor where I may have forgotten something, lost something. etc. Intellectually, I know I'm not at fault, emotionally I have yet to catch up.  

Any tips for reasoning this out with yourself in order to alleviate self-doubt and accept there's nothing I can do about the situation except find a better way to cope?

M1

Daisie, I think the anger and frustration you're seeing in your mother is pretty typical of mid-stage progression.  Unfortunately we caregivers are the safe targets.  Most PWD are unaware of their progression or their deficits in general, and so it's always someone else's fault.  

Wish I knew some better coping strategies.  Do you have any help so you can get some breaks?  Are any day programs open in your area?  no easy answers, but you are right that you do have to protect yourself at some point.

​fesk

Daisie, I agree with M1 that you need a break - if at all possible, schedule some time for yourself. 

I am sure it is difficult to feel that you are the target. Unfortunately, people with dementia are not capable of change, so we have to. I don't know what you have tried, but try your best not to take it personally. You might try simply apologizing when you are blamed for forgetting. There are many times I have said to my mom "I'm sorry, I must have forgot" or "I'm sorry - I didn't mean that", etc. Then move on to something else. That might be enough to diffuse the situation with your mom. 

The way I learned to cope was to understand my mother's behavior is not intentional. I cannot blame her. Don't get me wrong, it's exhausting at times. No argument there. But it's not her fault. I try to learn and avoid triggers. 

If you are already feeling burnt out, it is going to be very difficult to deal with. This takes a lot of energy, so please try to find some help - daycare, part-time aide, etc. You need to take care of yourself.

sandwichone123

In addition to accepting/apologizing for forgetting, it can be very helpful to avoid pointing out any error or forgetfulness at all. If she's wrong, don't tell her, if you have to help with something try to do it unobtrusively, so she can feel as competent as possible.