Once again

Ed1937

In December 1998 when one of our sons died, I cried. I don't remember crying before that. The next time I cried was 2 weeks ago when I was getting her things ready to take to MC.

Today was almost perfect weather wise. Mid 70s, mild breeze, partly/mostly sunny. We have a small patch of woods on the west side of the house, and on the south side. I was sitting on the west deck, in a canopied glider. It was beautiful, being surrounded with nice trees and sunshine beaming through them. But I pictured my wife sitting next to me, with my arm around her, and her head on my chest. I sat there for quite a while, then went in to sit on the couch, closed my eyes, and the waterworks started again. When will it stop? No, I don't want to be happy that she is in MC, but I just want to hold her again. Not sure when I will be able to see her again, and I don't know how it will go when I do.

Joydean

Ed, I wish I had words to say, but there are no “words “ for the heartache you are feeling. Your place sounds absolutely beautiful. Beautiful yes but when your wife was there it’s a little slice of heaven. This disease sucks and so many are hurting because of it. I can try to encourage you to take care of yourself because one day you are going to see her and hold her in your arms again. Your kids need you too. 

The eyes are the window to your soul, your tears keep the window clear! 

toolbeltexpert

Ed when you mentioned it the first time, I had wondering why I wasn't more emotional about my dw. Sometimes I read someone else's post and they bring tears. But not my own dw.  I have thought long and hard about what you and m1 are going thru. It has to be the hardest thing. Ed I continue to remember you in my prayers and I know that God cares for us all. We'll understand it better by and by.

ImMaggieMae

Ed, I am so sorry. We all understand the sadness and loneliness this horrible disease causes. I wish there was something I could do or say.

Stuck in the middle

I'm sorry, Ed.  Some things in life are pretty awful.

I cried when my son died too, and I have always thought nothing will ever hurt me that badly again.  I have thought I can take whatever comes, because I have been through Hell and come out the other side.  Maybe I have been kidding myself.  I guess I'll find out in a year or two.

jfkoc

The tears just come and I think they always will however they, for me, did change from raw pain to sadness. 

We are bereft and sometimes the tears flow....there is no stopping them.

There is a high price paid for the wonderful that was....

Scooterr

Ed, the pain and heartache your feeling is so deep. Your wife, the mother of your children and your best friend is not there physically (even though she's at a mc). The memories of what used to be are all that's left. It's like another chapter in our life is done even though we don't want to turn the page to another chapter, we all must turn those pages. I'm like you Ed I never cried, until my DW started declining more and more, now it seems I cry every week about something. I think it's just the process of slowly losing my wife, my best friend and all I do is think about how it used to be. I know your not happy she's in MC, you miss her and it hurts. I hope and pray Ed you'll get to see her, hold her, and put your arms around her. You are truly a great husband, and a strong man.

Jeff86

Your post is heart-breaking, Ed, and the very definition of ambiguous loss.  The tears speak to both your love for your DW and your pain from her absence.  I hope the day will soon be at hand when you can visit your wife, and she will simply be glad to see you without being triggered by your presence.

M1

I hold you in my heart.  I cry nearly every day.

ButterflyWings

Ed and also M1 - 

I am hoping and praying for you both to have a breakthrough with your visits soon. And some lessening of the pain in the meantime. I’m just so sorry you are having such a tough time. Crying with you, for all that dementia has taken from so many. Praying for healing somehow.

Ed1937

Thank you all for the incredible support. I truly don't know how M1 handles it. My wife has been in MC for 2 weeks. His has been in there for 2 months!

David J

Ed, it sucks. After nine months in MC it still sucks. My wife has always been my rock, but now I am loose in the stream, being tossed in the rapids by the flow. I am now alone, with no one to pull me out of the current. I have trouble crying, but I am incredibly sad. Tonight I wanted to share what I was feeling, and I can’t because she is in MC and wouldn’t understand what I say anyway. It is so lonely being the caregiver, whether you LO is home or in MC. To all of us at a loss, I send my condolences and best wishes.

Mint

I am sorry for your pain Ed.

Bill_2001

Ed, your post is heart-felt and heart-breaking. You love and miss your wife.

The price we pay for love is grief. The more you love/loved someone, the more painful the grief. Strange as it sounds, the pain of this grief is a blessed reminder of how much you and I love/loved our wives.

It's ok to grieve now; I grieve every day and my wife is not yet in memory care. It hurts so much that I cannot breathe sometimes.

billS

Ed I am so sorry. I can really relate to your feelings. Over the course of 46 years my wife and I built our little country acreage into a paradise. Now everywhere I look I see the results of our partnership. I am here enjoying it and she is not. I sit on our porches where we used to sit together and talk, I harvest our orchard and preserve the fruit, but without her alongside. I water her beautiful potted plants and am reminded of her. It is all so very painful and unfair. And yes, I cry often. The pain seems to be changing from a sharp stab to more of a dull ache now. I guess that is progress. But it has to be doubly hard for you, not being able to even visit your dear wife. You will make it, you are clearly a very strong person. I wish it could be easier for you.

Jo C.

Your home and property sounds utterly beautiful and it was built by the shared work and love of yourself along with your beloved wife. 

 Language does not have words to suffice - to quote Voltaire,"Tears are the language of grief."   For myself, I think of tears as the communication of the heart at its most broken and the pain of it all is so deep and overwhelming it cannot be measured.

A mental hug is being sent down the electronic tether . . .

J.

Dio

Your post brought tears to my eyes, too. This forum has offered so much inspiration and support. Still, the grief is our own to bear. Last month when my DH was going through a terrible phase of sundowning, he had turned into Mr. Hyde. I knew then that I had lost the husband I married before this ugly disease took over. I cried and grieved for the "death" of my husband, my best friend, and the retired life we had planned. Accepting that the person I once knew was gone, I felt a weight being lifted and I was able to deal with Mr. Hyde more pragmatically. Grief and acceptance worked, for a little while anyhow...

Because the universe plays tricks on our emotions... subsequently, he got the right "cocktail" of medications and a good part of my old husband returned. Now the emotional roller coaster ride starts all over again. I find myself envious of people who are out and about enjoying themselves, wondering if they know just how fortunate they are to be healthy. I find myself drowning in self-pity for the situation life has dealt us. I find myself fearing the future when he starts the steep decline and I have to face what so many of you have faced or are going through. We have no children, so I must face this journey alone. 

I try hard to make lemonade with the lemons. While he's still relatively cognizant, I've been taking him to walks, lakes, parks, gardens, restaurants, festivals and street fairs, and anything to be out of the house, to do things that he likes so that he can enjoy whatever good time is left. 

Still, I can't shake off my internal grief, and when the sadness hits like a tsunami, I fall apart, then must will myself together to face another day. When my husband sees me crying, he'd say he wished he could cry too, but just couldn't. So let the tears flow, it's a healthy release of the pressure inside.