Hyper Focused and Mood Swings Just a Vent

Chammer

I don't expect any "solving" answers to my vent.  DH is not diagnosed (and while I know no one wants a dementia diagnosis, I must admit I am a little envious of those of you that at least have that piece done so you have a "reason" for behaviors).  

He is still working in our business as President and told me as recently as a month ago that "I think I still make good decisions and know what I am doing"  He has always had an extremely difficult personality; has always been a micromanager, and gets hyper focused on issues.  He is not making good decisions, but I don't know how to "move him out of the company" since we don't have a diagnosis.  

He is hyper focused on our young adult daughter who is in college and in a committed relationship with a young man.  He has decided she is a slut and whore and shares it with anyone who will listen even though she is in the same type of relationship that our youngest son is in (a committed monogamous relationship).  He is driving a wedge between him and daughter and also with our sons because they are tired of hearing him bad mouth her and even them for almost anything.  

He goes from pleasant to explosive anger in a nanosecond during conversations and most of the time, we have no idea what we (family and employees) said that was the trigger.  

Much of his behavior is really just his personality, but has become his personality on steroids.  There are others on the board who have shared about being in a challenging long term relationship/marriage and feeling unsure of how to move forward.  

DH has always used divorce as a controlling threat.  I've been over that for a long time and let him know that if that is what he feels he needs to do he should go ahead and get it done.  When he is mad he becomes, in the words of our oldest son, a toddler.  He will lock me out of the house (I have keys), go to bed and shut the bedroom door to keep me out (it is a sliding barn door with no latch), throw my pillows from the bed across the room, wad up paperwork that I give him at the office and throw it either at the me or in the trash (telling me our bookkeeping is fuzzy math).  Again, none of these are really new behaviors, but they are happening almost on a daily basis now.    

He needs a psychiatrist more than a neurologist at this point.  I asked his endocrinologist NP for a couple of screening tests in Jan, but they only showed him to be "stressed and not sleeping"  DH has refused any sort of counseling so I know a psychiatric appt will be swiftly refused as well.

Again, just venting here because with no diagnosis our friend circle isn't ready for a stress dump!  Thank you being here and for reading this far.  So many of you are in a much different but no less stressful life situation.  I originally joined when I became responsible for assisting with MIL's care for ALZ in 2015.  I was able to take a break after she passed in 2016 until 2019 when DH started showing worrying signs.  You all are truly care giving warriors!   

terei

IMO you need a CELA IMMEDIATELY to decide what your options are in this situation.  I would not wait for a crisis to have your personal + financial ducks in a row if you have to take legal action to divorce or gain guardianship if a court orders an evaluation of his competence.

He is on a downward trajectory + the coming months will be worse, not better.  Please protect yourself.

added:  I am particularly alarmed at his behavior toward your daughter.  It really sounds unhinged.   

M1

Wow.  Sounds like your personal and financial situations--and your business, if he alienates the employees--are all in big time danger.  You need to protect yourself physically and in every other way:  having recently had to put my partner in a psych hospital for more or less involuntary evaluation, I can really empathize.  Be prepared to call 911 if you have to, and keep your phone with you; have a room you can lock.

I would tell your daughter to stay out of the way if she can--hopefully she's not living at home, she does not need that kind of abuse.

You might want to consider calling the alzheimer's hotline for advice.  This doesn't sound like a stable situation at all--and I know you weren't looking for solutions, but sounds like you need to do something before someone gets hurt.  Good luck.

Dutiful One

Chammer,

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was there about six years ago, and I understand how horrible it is.  Personally, I sought psychiatric help for myself.   Counseling was the answer for me, as it provided guidance and validation for what I was going through.  

Since then, my husband's condition has both declined and improved. I know that sounds odd.  In my mind, I often compare it to widespread pain that localizes. The pain is still there and worsening, but it's not all over the place any more and I have a more clear idea of what's causing it. The passive-aggressive, narcissistic person he became was sending me over the edge and causing estrangement from our children. Now he is calmer and more pleasant, but still has a difficult time coping with things like change and stress.  I'm happy to say we have reconciled with our children. 

My husband's personality continues to change and he is more forgetful.  It is still often like walking on eggshells, but it's not like it was.  Some of this may be due to my own response to the situation. Like your DH, there isn't a dementia diagnosis, although I have been told by doctors who've dealt with him that there is definitely a problem. There have been several diagnoses of other things, though, that can cause dementia and will probably lead to a diagnosis eventually. 

I know you said you don't expect any solving answers to your vent. I want to share with you some things that you I have done or am in the process of doing.  If there is one positive thing I've found about not having a diagnosis, it's that there is time to take care of some things.

Seeing an attorney to get legal ducks in a row was a huge burden off my shoulders. 

Having an escape plan has also been helpful.  For me, this means knowing what steps I would take to leave if I needed to, even temporarily.  "Escape" can also mean going somewhere for a respite. I'm working on making another part of the house available as a safety zone. My DH watches the same tv shows on repeat, and it gets on my nerves. My saying something like " Didn't you just watch this?"or (when watching yet another YouTube video of someone changing a tire, chopping wood, or some other rote task), "This is so boring. I can't stand it!" is not helpful. It's better for me to go to another room to read a book or go outside for a while.

Planning for what to do if DH is unable to work for any reason (loss of job/business, medical event, etc) is something I'm dealing with now. He still works, but I am not optimistic about his ability to continue.   I'm also planning for what to do if I decide that changing jobs or stopping work, even temporarily, would also be in our best interest. 

I recently reviewed  insurance coverage and made necessary adjustments where possible. 

I've made my concerns known to his doctors, and have even talked to my own doctor. My doctor can't make a diagnosis, of course, but there is now a note in my medical chart indicating what's happening. 

Again, I'm sorry you're in this position. I get it. 

Rescue mom

There are so many issues here, and good advice. Just one small bit about the business, from my experience…my DH with Alzheimer’s was senior partner/CEO, of a small firm.  For months he complained about “being left out.”

He eventually had to leave b/c of a physical accident. Meanwhile, we found Alzheimer’s—the others really did have to work around him. They simply did not know how else to deal, partly because he was the boss.

But my real point: If there had been outside issues with his work, the legal consequences  could have been huge and devastating to a lot of people. Not to mention the personal effects (he may not have realized consequences, but others would have).

Please, please see an attorney, for so many of the things you mentioned.

Chammer

I spoke w the attorney who completed our wills, Medical POA, Durable POA which were "activated" upon signing, in January 2022 and she felt that everything is in place from a legal standpoint.  The only other thing she recommended was a Voluntary Designation of Guardianship which wouldn't be required as we have DPOA in place...as she said nice to have but not necessary especially if it cause him to bow up against doing it and it will.  I almost had to sedate and hogtie him to get the other legal documents in place!

At this point, I think a diagnosis is the only "protection" piece that isn't in place.  

We are selling a vacation home we have had for several years in order to finish funding a large project he started and needs to finish.  It is his "happy" place but I told him he had a choice - his happy place or his new project which according to him "has been a lifelong dream."  We probably needed to sell it anyway because I can't manage our home (he doesn't help out w anything anymore-even just sits and watches me grill - something he would never let me do until the last 2 years) and the vacation house. And...like so many the tax appraised amount doubled this year and the taxes will be outrageous. 

I did reach out to and left messages w about 4 CELA in our area to see if there is anything else we need.  I will see if they say anything else is needed or plans that need to be implemented.  Without a diagnosis it will be somewhat easier to get things done if needed but also harder to stop "extracurricular activity."   

My daughter does try to avoid being in situations that will draw her dads ire, but she cant avoid him all the time.  She will be going back to college in August, so not in the house unless she comes to visit.  It makes me incredibly sad to see the damage.  She has been in counseling and I recommended she seek it again.  I was also in counseling for several months this past year and I attend Celebrate Recovery weekly to help maintain some sanity!  So...onward we go!

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. They are greatly appreciated. 

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Chammer

Victoria:  I did reach out to a couple of local elder care attorneys and they wanted to meet with us together especially since DH doesn't have a diagnosis right now.  Since he doesn't feel like anything is wrong with him and has expressed quite frequently and vehemently that we (me, our kids, certain business relationships) are only "in it for the money" I did not schedule anything. 

I do agree that it may be time to get my own attorney for consideration of future plans - his behavior is becoming more difficult to deal with and justify.  DH's hyperfocus on our daughter and her boyfriend has only gotten worse...he lost his wallet on Friday which had his driver's license and all his debit and CC.  He thinks it was stolen, but I think he just misplaced it and is now accusing me of having too much control over his life even though he has me do most everything for him.  He does actually have to go in person to the DL office and the bank to get the replacement DL and replacement debit cards so I think that has overwhelmed him.  Anytime he actually has to do something himself, he becomes extremely angry and nasty.  It is honestly getting intolerable.

storycrafter

I regret that I don't have the wherewithall to read through all the posts right now. This may already have been mentioned, but just in case it hasn't, I'll share the following.

Before I got my dh to the doctor, my dh also had an increase in difficult behavoirs like you describe. It eventually reached a crisis point in which I feared for his personal safety and certainly for my own sanity. We got in to see our GP the next day and the doctor took immediate steps that were so helpful. Firstly, he provided medication and, secondly, put the necessary referal into motion for him to see a psychiatrist. The medication helped immediately until we could get into the psych doctor. The psychiatrist helped refine the medication and eventually referred dh to a neuro psych doctor for testing.

Regardless of the reason behind your husband's current untenable behavoir, for many important reasons it's crucial to have him under a doctor's care.  A good doctor can help immediately in various ways without a specific diagnosis, until a diagnosis is reached. A diagnosis can make all the difference in a situation remaining workable. Nothing else has a possiblity of working out for you, him, the company, if he is not receiving the medical attention that's obviously needed.

If your loved one is not receptive to getting to the doctor right away, others here may have some good suggestions for that. One thing is to get him there under the pretext it's for something else, like...a routine physical and bloodwork, or, perhaps because you need his help to accompany an appointment for you (two sets of ears is better than one). Do whatever you must to get him seen by a doctor.

It's imperative - before you see the doctor, write a list of your top concerns about dh and give it to the doctor ahead of the appointment.

My heart goes out to you. Not a single one of us can deal with this cognitive decline/dementia beast alone. I wish you good luck and all the support you need.

Pat6177

Chammer, I think the advice you’ve been given to see an attorney on your own is very good. Protecting your own welfare as well as your own safety is important. I just have one question. When you did your medical POA and DPOA, did you name your husband as your agent? If so, you might want to change that.

Chammer

@Pat6177 - I scheduled and we completed all our legal documents together in order to get him on board.  It upset DH, but he is not named in any of my legal documents - not as a primary or secondary agent or as primary or secondary executor of my will.  I have DPOA, medical POA for DH and will be executor of his will, if he precedes me in death .  If I precede him in death, one of our sons will serve as executor of my will and DPOA and Medical POA for me is divided amongst our kids.  

We have 5 kids so I verified that all would be willing to serve in some capacity and made sure all were assigned to a one or more roles.  They have secondary agent roles for him and primary and secondary agent roles for me.  When DH got snarky about it at the attorneys office, I told him "well, you always say you are going to die before me - I'm just trying to save money and a second trip to the attorney's office."   

I don't have a long term relationship with this attorney and did all of the pre-work over email and phone, but when I called back a couple of months ago to ask about elder care attorney info, they surely remembered him!