Should I move in with my parents?

LittleVolcano

Hello spousal caregivers!

I'm a secondary caregiver to my mother who has moderate dementia. My father is her primary caretaker (he is in relatively good health), but Mom rarely knows who he is and gives him quite a bit of grief because of it. I live only 15 min away and help out near daily. Part of me thinks that if my husband and I (and our dog) moved in with them, it would help take the emotional burden off of Dad, since Mom is nothing but love and light to me, and Dad wouldn't have to watch her so closely (and consequently get rebuffed when he does).

Are any of you in this situation? And did it help/hurt to have your child (and their spouse) move in with you? This is just a thought at this point, and Dad doesn't want to interrupt our lives any more than Mom's dementia has already. But I want to find out what other people's experiences are, just to get an idea of what I'd be getting into.

Thanks in advance!

Ed1937

We are not exactly in that situation, but we have a 43 year old son living with us, who is mildly mentally handicapped. My wife went into a facility 2 weeks ago, so they don't live with each other now. But when she was here, he helped with whatever I needed. Much of the time I needed his help was because she refused to do what had to be done, and I had to physically force her into submission. I did not want to hurt her, so I would ask for his assistance. He would also watch her if I had to run small errands. Being so close to her, and being involved in things she did not appreciate, caused her to hate his guts, and mine too. 

Since you live close enough to them to help when Dad needs help, I think it would be in your best interest to not move in with them. PWD tend to rebel against the ones they are closest with. If you were to move in with them, it could take a big hit on your marriage, which you want to avoid. My advice would be to help Dad like you are now, unless something happens where he needs more help. Of course the choice is yours to do what you think is best.

Battlebuddy

      I agree completely with Ed. 

   If you live 15 minutes away you are close enough to help when Dad needs you. 

  But everyone needs personal space,  and your marriage needs you to go home , to a place where you can shut the door on Alzheimers and concentrate on each other. 

    I would never let my kids move in here , and they are single. I do very much appreciate when my kids come and help.  My son can work from this house and comes regularly. My daughter comes on her many school vacations. Their help is practical as well as emotional. My daughter calls me on her way home from school and let’s me vent. Sometimes they just send me a gift card when things have been particularly tough. 

   There are many many ways you can be supportive and helpful without moving in. 

         Don’t do it 

sandwichone123

Welcome, LV! My son lives with us and is invaluable. He's also a backup caregiver, as I work full time. However, I remind him that he should not put his life on hold to support me. When he is ready, he should build a life away from us. My dh blames my son for many things and thinks he should move out--"It's about time that kid grew up and got out of here!" He doesn't see my son as backup caregiver because he doesn't see himself needing care.

I would see only stress for you and your spouse, and possible abuse for your dog. If your mom is already not recognizing her dh, I would not see a good outcome for this. When your mom needs more than your dad can provide with your assistance on a drop-in basis, she will probably need placement.

LittleVolcano

Thanks so much to all of you for your input. I also posted this in the non-spousal caregivers section, and they echoed much of what you said here. It never even occurred to me that Mom might turn against me because I'd then be too close. And it never occurred to me that I might be more valuable to both Mom and Dad if I stayed living separately, so thank you all for your input. All that was a huge eye opener, and I'm glad I asked. If Dad--gawd forbid--dies before Mom, it's already been settled that me and my hubs (and dog) would move in with her (we would hire a lot of help as well, and should Mom ever become a danger to herself or others--or should keeping her at home become impossible, then we would seek a memory care facility). But at least now I'm ok with our current situation, so thanks again for all your valuable insight.

Hugs and good vibes to you all. You've all been such great help (as usual)!