Dealing with anger outbursts/taking car keys

Asterik

Hello - My FIL has Alzheimers and is in his 80’s.  My MIL cares for him.  He can do basic tasks such as dressing, bathing, but often times looks disheveled.  Yesterday, I get a call from my MIL who says my FIL (while at a coffee shop), suddenly took the car keys from her from the ignition when they arrived.  He refused to give them back started sternly yelling at my MIL that he was going home without her.  After a friend arrived, we ended up getting him home (while my MIL rode with me).  Today he is refusing his pills to calm him.  He is getting more agitated.  He wants to go home, but is home.  I am concerned about him walking away, or becoming violent.  Any help appreciated.

As a side note, last year my husband had fake key fobs made at the car dealership. My FIL can still carry his car  keys, but they don’t work.  Highly recommend to preserve dignity.

Ed1937

Asterik, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it, but it's a good one. 

I guess the first question is "Does he still have the keys?". If so, you need to find a way to get them back from him before he drives, and has an accident.

Second question is "Does he take medication because he gets agitated? If so, is it possible to crush those meds (with OK from doctor or pharmacist), and put them in a drink or mix them into food? If he does not take meds for agitation, and he gets violent, a call to 911 might become necessary. Anything that can be used as a weapon needs to be removed to a place where he can't find it, and there should be a room where she can go into, and lock the door so he can't get in. She should also have a cell phone with her, and it should be fully charged, or there needs to be a charger in that room. The room should have a window, in case he should break the door down. That should give her enough time to climb out the window if necessary.

The fake keys is a good move.

toolbeltexpert

Asterik the driving  thing is a big one and your right about keeping his dignity. My dw has blank keys. It is much better than a car wreck or a list lo who drives till they run out of gas and walks off. It's hard and it sounds like you have some help. Your going fine, but it is never an easy thing. Keep posting. Others will chime in with their experiences to give you other ways they dealt with this.

Asterik

Thanks Ed.  I appreciate the input.  Yes, she did get the keys back, and keeps them hidden or on her at all times.  This was the first time he took them directly out of the ignition.

Regarding the possibility of violence, I wonder if choosing objects for violence (or needing to hide sharp objects) is common with Alzheimer’s?  

M1

Asterik, he needs urgent medical evaluation. Could be something as simple as a UTI could be making him worse, but if not he needs psych evaluation too as a threat to your mother.  And yes, its common. I had to hospitalize my partner after she threatened me over the car keys.

PlentyQuiet

Yes to the medical evaluation as suggested by others. I also love the fake keys.

This was on another thread but I think it may be a helpful reminder here. If he was impulsive enough to grab the keys from the ignition would be be impulsive enough to try and open the door while the car is moving? 

Someone, I can't remember who, had this happen and so their LO rides in the back seat with the child locks on.  Maybe have some boxes of items to be "donated" on the front seat or use another fiblet as to why he is in the back.

D. Otto

Hello,
Today was the third time my mom ran away because won't let her drive her car anymore. It has been a month since I haven't let her drive. Today, she asked if I would give her the car keys. I said no. She said she hated me and never wanted to see me again. Then she packed up her dog and some stuff and started walking out of the driveway. I called my very good friend to rescue my mom (for the third time, also). My friend was able to talk to my mom and get her to stay at my friends home. I don't know what to expect. I think she will never talk to me again, and I am her caretaker. I don't know what to do

harshedbuzz

@Asterik

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but happy you found this place.

I agree with the M1 that a medical evaluation for a UTI is in order if this is a new behavior. If this is something that's been escalating, it sounds like a psych evaluation is in order. We were able to coerce dad into doing this outpatient, but can be faster if done via the ER and a geriatric psych stay for medication management. When he was carrying on at the coffee shop would have been an appropriate time to have him transported.

It's useful to know which hospital in your area has this unit, so that you can arrange transport there if possible.

In the meantime, steps need to be taken to keep MIL safe.

You need to remove anything that can be weaponized from the house- not just guns and knives, but things like golf clubs, cast iron pans, tables that could be picked up and thrown. Also, MIL needs a charged cell on her person at all times and a room with a door she can lock behind her that has an egress to the outside.

It's hard with the car being a visual trigger if MIL is still driving. Can she park it out of his sightline? It's not unusual for PWD to act out in the car which means everyone is safest if he has a companion to redirect him and he rides in the back with the child safety latches on. One woman I know uses Uber if she needs to take her husband with so she can focus on him without the driving piece.

HB

harshedbuzz

@D. Otto

Welcome to you as well.

My thoughts hinge on whether you have a DPOA or guardianship that allow you to act on your mom's behalf. You will need to be able to do this legally as the disease progresses.

If you do the legal piece in place, I would disappear the car instead of grandstanding about keys or a license. Seeing her car will be a trigger-- often with a PWD "out of sight" is "out of mind". Many family caregivers tell their LO that the car has been recalled for a safety issue and they it's in the shop waiting on a part. Rinse and repeat. Then you can park it elsewhere or sell it.

HB