Not sure what to do(2)

bigfoot2you

My DH has over the years obtained a vast amount of "stuff"  He is a true hoarder in every sence of the word and the basement is full.   Because of this disease he no longer can use any of this stuff.  I have mentioned selling a lot of it to help with the bills.   He absolutely refuses to talk about it,  thinking he is going to get fixed and go back to work...........I would like to get rid of some of this stuff on the sly.  Just not tell him.  He will never know........but I have never done anything like this and feel like I am deceiving him..........your ideas???

Ed1937

Hi Kathleen. I know you didn't ask about this, but it's important. Have you seen a CELA yet? I know you don't have a diagnosis yet, but you don't need one. If he has dementia, and it sounds like he might, it is absolutely necessary for you to talk to a CELA (certified elder law attorney) soon. Don't put it off. You will be surprised at what they can do for you.

Now about his collections. At some point you will have to do something with his "stuff". I don't think it would be wrong of you to sell a lot of it as long as it will not create problems with him. If he won't miss it, it might be better to get rid of some of it now. And concerning the deceit, you will find there will be many times when you will need to be less than truthful during caregiving. You should be able to put your mind at ease if you realize the untruthfulness is not done for your personal gain. Many times a little fib will make him feel better, or at least stop him from having a negative reaction, which will make your life easier too. These are just my opinions, and others might see things differently.

bigfoot2you

I have not talked to a CELA yes,  at least I don't think I have.    Back when DH began showing signs of dementia our Dr suggested we get our wills done and I am the power of attorney for DH.........Is a CELA different.    I know at this point I am completely responsible for DH.   We do not have the diagnosis but go on Tues for his neurologist visit.

Joydean

Kathleen, hi. Ed is absolutely right. As far as “things “ my dh had a lot of things also. Many I would never be able to use by myself. As examples, we had a log splitter, no way could I use it, we have a large fireplace and I do enjoy a nice fire when it’s cold. Our son who now fixes most things that I can’t, so he took the splitter to service it, and I told him to keep it or sell it. Dh never remembered it’s gone. Tiller same thing. Lots of large tools, ect. As long as it left here by our son no questions were ever asked by dh. I don’t know if that helps but it worked for me. Son did sell most things and gave me the money that went into my safe .

toolbeltexpert

Bigfoot my wife had an enormous collection of canning jars 50 cases, they were under our house, when I got them out I told her they were not going back under the house. I told her I would put them in my garage, with is not near the house. I sold them for one money. I keep a few token cases, new jars I put in the house. Every now and then she'll ask about them, "they are still in the garage" it bothered me at first but I got over it. It's not gonna be easy, but I had to make a decision that she couldn't. Some of the jars had mice droppings in them, she couldn't see that she was never going to use them again. I will not grow a garden now.

bigfoot2you

The hardest part is we have always discussed EVERYTHING  and now it's my decision.  He is also a hoarder, like 4  broken, unfixable lawn mowers and so on.  I try to go to the dump but he will go and take stuff out of the truck,  he's gonna fix it............guess how many old water hoses and electric cords with one or both ends cut off??

ImMaggieMae

Bigfoot, do you have a family member or friend that could ‘borrow’ a few of the things? He may likely forget that they were borrowed and if he did, excuses could be made about how they are needed a little longer.

Buggsroo

My husband built a greenhouse in our back garden, the plants have slowly died because I know nothing about how to keep them going. I have thrown many of them out and have decided to let the garden go somewhat wild. He also has a lot of cooking equipment which I need to divest. A lot of the stuff has gone to value village or Salvation Army. My husband has seen me putting out stuff for free and doesn’t realize it is his. He honestly has gone pretty downhill so slowly I am tossing stuff that he will never use again. I think fibs are your best way to go as things slowly leave the house. I know this is really sad and hard, but if you don’t, there will be a huge hoard that will have to be dealt with.

Rescue mom

My DH with Alzheimer’s was also a hoarder. I’d try to “convince” him to toss things even he could not remember a use for, or we didn’t do anymore, like diving and boat equipment, or stuff simply worn out, too old to use. Trash, Junk.  Logic or “convincing” is useless.

I finally took a lot, and —shock!—90 percent of the time, he never missed it IF he did not see me take it. He Never noticed it was gone. I absolutely expected he’d notice the empty shelves, or space in bookcase or garage; expected anger and upset. No. He did not.

 But I had to take it away immediately. If he saw me take or throwing something away, the whole effort failed. He’d get mad, and retrieve it. “I can wear that sometime,” and yes “I’m going to fix that.” Of course he could not.

The few times he did ask about something,  I’d  say “Huh, can’t find that? We can look for it after dinner”—or after his shower, or when I finished my chore—anything, just a delay. By then he forgot about it. If he did remember, repeat: “oh, that’s missing? We’ll look in a minute.” Or I’d say the kids or neighbors borrowed it. He’d forget that, too.

But the more you can do, sooner, the better. Believe me, it does not get easier. For me, I developed my own health issues, so cleaning out got far harder b/c  I delayed.

The not-talking about things was much much harder for me. I still catch myself talking about the news, the broken fridge or cars r whatever,  (replace vs. repair)or new cars, or the neighbors. Things he has little or no comprehension or memory.

He used to be upset sometimes, and I’d start over on something more basic. Now I better realize it’s like talking out loud to myself. But it was eggshells for a while. We discussed everything, having to decide alone is just hard. Maybe the hardest, for me.