Coping methods

Just Bill

Thank you all for the warm welcome with my first post. I am curious how other people are coping with this challenge. Up until 3 months ago I was playing golf 3 days a week and obsessed with practice, a full type A personality. I exercise daily and I can't get away to play anymore. Practicing like a maniac is very therapeutic. I've also gone very deep into meditation and breathing exercises. I also started reading a lot of philosophy. Once I fully accepted the fact that this is no longer my wife but a special needs child that looks like my wife. She may not know who I am but she remembers exactly what buttons to push for maximum emotional pain. She can be the sweetest person ever lulling me into a false sense of security but then something sets her off and instant level 12 anger. I have stopped trying to reason with her or correct her. I'll stop her from hurting herself but for the most part I just agree with whatever she says and look at this whole thing as a challenge. I play a mental game of how am I going to play this emotional challenge without losing myself to frustration and anger. Just like golf. You don't play competitive golf to relax, you relax to play competitive golf. If she is in a good mood I have been giving myself permission to lie my a** off in whatever creative direction I want to keep her there. I have been blaming the people in her hallucinations for all my accused bad behavior. Letting go of control and understanding and accepting the reality of the situation and most importantly staying in the moment has been making this challenge bearable. As long as I can carve out a few minutes to get a workout/meditation/breathing/exercise/golf drill. That is my reset button. Now how am I going to navigate this next emotional challenge? One thing is for sure she can read my emotions. She can tell if I am frustrated/pissed/depressed even if I say I'm fine. I've learned I really have to really be happy to act happy. Sorry for the long winded post.

AnnMB

Coping is really a challenge. Since this spring, we (family and I) have been working on how to cope with DH. Like you say, sweet one moment and angry the next. At first we were saying no to a lot of things and now we only say no if it is for his safety especially when he is having a full blown psychotic moment.

The garden/lawn was a big trigger for DH. He wanted to plant seeds at least a month before we could. Saying no was out of the question. We tried many tactics like the garden centers weren't open, the seeds hadn't arrived (they were hidden), and look at the frost on the roofs. It worked until there was no frost. So, DH and I planted beets one day, carrots a few days later, and so on until the garden was planted. I was covering some tender plants at nights and a few had a cover on them all the time. The ones covered were a trigger for his outbursts. He'd take them off, I'd put them on quietly. One day he had a big outburst about the tomatoes not being planted.  We got DGS and two other boys and made a big fuss about planting the tomatoes. He was as happy as could be and watered them when the job was done.

The saga continues. He started the lawn mower one day and began to mow lawns. Scared me half to death. Family was over as fast as they could as he wouldn't listen to me and telling me to get out of his way. New plan in place about that if it happens again. He was happy the weeds in the lawn were going to be controlled and then turned angry thinking they sprayed the vegetables. That has taken us nearly 2 weeks to calm him down. He sat outside under the umbrella yesterday looking at the garden and he was happy. I showed him buds which made him happier.

There have been other issues with DH. He will take off to talk to our neighbors about me or missing items. He took off down the road to find the police station and 3 wonderful ladies came out to help. He has spent hours yelling at me to move out or that he is moving out. The list can go on. Those are the times he really pushes my buttons and I become a mess. I keep saying it's the disease not him.

I've found talking quietly to him about what is bothering him can get to the bottom of the trigger. If I can get him to sit and talk, he will come down. If I can't family comes to help out. A new face can be so helpful in calming him down. We acknowledge the people he thinks are in the house manipulating me, stealing items and what ever else he talks about helps him out. It usually ends up with him worried that I am going to loose everything to these people. He needs a lot of reassurance that I'm doing everything to protect myself and that I will look after him at all times.

Several things I have found that works with DH is -

• I tell him I love him at least 10 times a day.
• I take him for drives even if only to see our DS, DDIL, and DGS. We go out to see the flowers, family takes him to get their wine orders, and we see how the farm crops are doing.
• I acknowledge the pain he is having from tension/anxiety/stress.
• I praise him for anything he does to help -- water the garden, take his pills I put out, helping take out the garbage, shaving on his own, etc.
• Give him choices - can I get you a cup of coffee or can you do it?
• If there are accidents, I don't get angry or upset. I help him get cleaned up, showered and new clothes on.
• I tell him where I will be -- in the basement in the sewing room, going shopping, etc. I check on him when I'm home on a regular basis. I say "Just seeing how you are doing".
• We talk about the weather, what the kids on the street are doing, about the drives and anything else that comes to mind.
• I've got the house purged so everything is simple for him. The clutter was driving him nuts.

I can tell you it hasn't been easy. It has been hard. We try not to out right lie to him but will tell half lies. He is still fairly high functioning in a lot of areas when he is calm and lucid.

I've had to get people in to clean the house as I wasn't keeping up. I have respite come in for 3 hours up to 3 times a week so I can have my time and time to shop. I have told DH the person is a friend coming to be with him and visit with him to keep him safe. He is a social person and enjoys that. He takes them downstairs to show them his pictures and my doll collection.

What bothers me? Everything is focused on him - what we eat, when we eat, what we do, and how we can do it. I feel like I'm the forgotten one which I'm not. I'm sad I've lost my freedom to do things I like to do. But I also remember he has lost his freedom too. I've learned how to adapt but it has been hard. I feel guilty doing things but then I realize that I need to take care of myself so I can cope with what is going to happen next.

Our journeys are different but there is a common thread. I wish you the best of luck getting the time you need for your self care. It is just as important as taking care of your DW.

sznmndvll

Your discussion was just exactly what I needed to read this morning.  I'm glad you have family nearby to help out.  Thank you.

AnnMB

I am glad that you found what I said just what you needed this morning.

We had respite arrive this morning unannounced and I think it was hard on DH. I usually spend some time preparing him for it. He did well with the person though he did get agitated some towards the end.

After she left, things when to hell in a hand basket. DH was out in the rain looking at the garden and when he came in he was angry as a mad hatter. He was on a full roll at me and family. He sat and stewed about it and then started up again and again and again. He was going out to pull up the plants which was upsetting for me and I calmly told him to wait a week. He went on about that, that no one was listening to him and he was packing his tools and leaving. At that point I had to demand he sit down beside me to talk. I had a forceful talk to him which was like talking to the wall but I didn't blow up and I said what I needed to say. He didn't move until I started serving dinner and sarcastically said "thank you for not giving me a pill for my pain". I calmly said I had and at that point I realized he didn't remember much of today or what he has been saying. He is focused on the garden so much that he doesn't remember much of what he said this afternoon.

 He is eating his dinner right now and we will be going out for a drive after I clean up. He needs to calm down before bedtime.

Did he push my buttons? Oh yes he did. Intentionally? Probably but I can't really say. Did I react? Some but caught myself and made myself calm down. Did I add to the situation? I'll say yes I did. Is he calmed down? No. He is sweating through his head which tells me he is still agitated and stressed. At the moment he is only hearing parts of what I am saying and then repeats it with what he thinks I said.

What am I aiming for? A night where he will sleep calmly all night. I don't want to have to call family in with him having a bad night where I can't control him. It makes for a tiring day for all of us tomorrow. It is tomorrow that I may explode and say things I will regret when he's out of control due to both of us tired from the lack of sleep.  It is tomorrow that I may have to follow him around the yard so he won't bolt or fall or pull out the plants.

I have told him 10 times today that I love him.

saltom

AnnMB, Thank you for this post.  While my DH's actions and reactions are a bit different from yours, the situations and my feeling that our life revolves totally around DH are very similar. I do have a caregiver twice a week for 4 hours each when I walk with friends which is a really big help. DH actually feels more comfortable when he is not alone in the house though I can still leave for a quick trip to the store or walk around the block.  This forum has also been a Godsend both with volumes of information and ideas.  I have also found that I can have my friends here for coffee and talk rather than meeting them at a coffee shop or for lunch. So far my DH leaves us to talk, but that may not last for long.