New Caregiver(3)

inthisalone

Good morning.

I am new to being a caregiver for my 80 year old father.  He was diagnosed with dementia in 2015.  My mom took excellent care of him until her death 9 weeks ago.  Since that time, my dad has been moved into my home.

He has accused me of kidnapping him.  Everyday he asks where my mom is, what time is she picking him up, how come she is not here for dinner...everyday I have to break his heart.  It is awful to watch but I can't lie to him.  If I do, that will be the one thing he remembers and obsess about it until he sees her.

I have tried to get home health aids in for 2 days a week, 4 hours at a time.  My dad is not having it.  He goes everywhere with me which for the most part is ok, but I have some issues that need to be addressed for which I can't go to my own doctor.  Have tried on several occasions in the last few weeks and he is terrible at waiting for anything...even a red light.

Have been in touch with his neurologist who continues to remind me that he has an appointment on August 10th and to have all of my questions ready.  That is a long time away!

My question is:  Do I just hire the home health company and make him deal with it?  Is this like a situation where you leave your child at daycare and walk away?

I have no family in the area and quite frankly my parents' friends are so old at this point I couldn't ask one of them to stay with him while I go to an appointment; to add insult to injury on that point...they all live 45 minutes away.

Haven't slept longer than 2-3 hours a night since November of 2021 since my mom fell and broke her shoulder.  Now that she is gone, my father is my complete responsibility.  Admitting that this is too difficult for me is very hard for me.

Looking for suggestions regarding home health aides and how I can handle this that won't send him into a tailspin.  He can be very mean and verbally abusive to me, as he was to my mother.  While I know it's his disease, it's still very disheartening.

Thank you.

SusanB-dil

Hi inthisalone - welcome to 'here'...  but sorry for the reason.   And very sorry for your loss of your mom.

Unfortunately, you do need to get used to fiblets.  The saying is "say whatever brings the most comfort".   so if that means 'mom is out right now', then at least try that.  His home - "is being worked on because of _____"  could be water-leak, insurance purposes... whatever works, so he "is staying with you in the meantime".

Being mean and verbally abusive toward you is never good to deal with.  And yes, several months to wait for any answers is too long to have to deal with that.  I know others will weigh in on this, but you can and please do call the Alz line  call 24/7 Helpline anytime day or night at 1-800-272-3900.

You are not alone. and yes, all this is hard, and heartbreaking.

If you do feel threatened, others have called 911 and gotten psych evaluation - without waiting another 2 months...  the right meds should calm down that behavior. 

tramey50

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and alone. A couple thoughts:

 https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging_Network/AAA.aspx this link might help in finding assistance in your area. Look for Area Agency on Aging. They provide resources and ours has a sliding scale fee for a companion for you Dad for your respite.

It’s ok to tell your Dad whatever you need to in order to have him accept someone in your home to give you personal time. Some ideas - Tell him the person is coming in to help you clean, fix something, cook something special for you, etc. make it about you, or the house or a pet, just not about him.

Admitting you can’t do this alone is ok and necessary. I don’t think anyone can do this alone. This is a disease that takes a village. 

M1

Welcome, and I too am sorry for your loss.  And I agree entirely with what Susan has said:  one of the lessons we all learn here is to stop trying to reason with him, because his reasoner is broken.  Don't try to tell him about his wife's death; he obviously doesn't remember.  Just say she is not here right now, she'll be back in a while, we'll go find her soon--again, whatever brings the most comfort.  He will NOT remember that you lied to him, that I can guarantee you.

It does sound like he might benefit from medication for agitation, definitely put that on your list for the neurologist; or better yet, I would call them now, tell them you need something, see if they'll prescribe over the phone so that you can report the results when you go in person in six weeks.  They ought to be willing to do that.

And yes, you just hire help and have him deal with it.  Again, there's no discussion or reasoning or bargaining.  You need it for you.  If it's a new caregiver, warn them, and stay there with them the first time or two that they are there.  You don't tell him it's hired help, say it's a friend of yours who is here to visit.  Whatever it takes.

And if it's too difficult, consider memory care.  That is not a failure.  Not everyone is cut out to be a 24/7 caregiver, and his behaviors may warrant a more controlled environment.  That is just looking out for him in a different way.

inthisalone

Thank you for your kind words and the advice.  I am struggling but this is helping somewhat.

inthisalone

Great idea to make the person (home health aid) being here is about me.  We already have someone here to clean our pool once a week that my dad absolutely loves.  I can probably pull that off.

When my first husband died 26 years ago I was told to never lie to our 7 year old daughter about what was happening.  I guess I just carried that over to this situation.

I will get through this just as I have other obstacles in my life.  Very sad that I have not had a chance to mourn the loss of my mom.  Everything will happen when it's supposed to.

Thank you!

May flowers

I can really relate to your feeling that you haven’t had time to mourn your mom’s passing. My MIL was dx with cancer a month after they moved near us (so we could help her take care of my FIL with dementia). She passed 6 months after the move. We had to go full into caregiving for my FIL so it was non stop, with no reprieve. Your situation is even harder because of your LOs stage and difficult behavior. 

I hope you will be able to find the right caregiver and your LO accepts the idea. 

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m so sorry that you lost your mom and are thrown into caring for your father this way.  

My opinion on the hired caregiver is that you definitely need the help.  I agree with staying near by for their initial time together.  Wouldn’t want the new caregiver to feel frightened by his outbursts.  Are there any adult daycare options near you? That could free up some time for you and be a deflection to his thought loops.  

Unfortunately, fiblets and taking responsibility for things that upset him… even when you’re not at fault, are probably necessary for his comfort and your sanity. 

So glad you came here, I have found this place and the support so helpful.  Keep sharing and coming back.