Son wanting us to move in??

Scooterr

   Our oldest son, who lives in NC, has graciously asked DW and myself to move in with them. I have thought about this, and thought about it and still haven't made a conclusion. Here is his game plan. They sell their house, which is very nice, and we sell our house, which is a nice older ranch style house in OK. We would  combined the money and purchase a house with separate living quarters for us. Now they would definitely  have a lot more invested in the new home than my DW and myself. 

   The upside is, as my DW and myself go through this downward spiral journey we would have them right there to help in any situation that may arise. We would  get to know our grandkids better since we only see them about twice a year as is. We could have our living area the way we would want. Also NC is a beautiful state with a lot to offer from the mountains to the ocean. Right now my DW and myself lives are very fluid and as you guys know always changing.

   Here in OK we have a son with grandkids, some family, and some friends who we are very close to and would miss them dearly. If I need help someone would be here, it may take them some time but someone would show up. We have established a good rapport with all of my DW doctors and even have a personal phone # with one doctor. If we move the hunt for new doctors would start along with adapting to our new living conditions. Could my wife handle the move? 

   We live on the east side of OK in a rural area, and it's a good place to live, and not overly populated. We would be moving to a very highly populated area and for us would be hard to adjust. Also if I out live my DW I would feel compelled to move on with my life and move out.

   I can problem this thread to death and can see other issue coming up with a move in. Also I just can't see what's around the corner. Our finances may fall apart, my health may fail, and would I need to live with my son full time at that point?

  Has anyone gone through this kind of situation?, or has any advise that may be helpful in my decision 

   All this being said, I have two caring boys who have become two well rounded men and they care deeply for their parent.  

   

    

dayn2nite2

I think before making any decision, this needs to be explored from the financial standpoint.  What if your DW needs placement and/or Medicaid in North Carolina?  What are the rules there?  What will the co-mingling of the funds do to her chances for approval.

You may need to get the advice of an attorney licensed in North Carolina in Medicaid planning to be able to make an educated decision.

Stuck in the middle

Some random thoughts:

I have a friend who did this with her PWD husband, her daughter, son in law, and grandchildren.  I was happy for them at the time, but but didn't work out.  Due to conflicts with the son in law, she moved out with her husband and bought another house, not nearly so nice as the one she sold to buy a house with her daughter & family.  She lost the money she paid to buy a share in the joint house, and ended up caring for her husband without help from the daughter - the daughter took her husband's side, and my friend and her daughter were estranged as a result.  In short, living together raises stresses.  How well do you know your NC daughter in law?

You have a son and grandchildren in each State, but old friends only in Oklahoma.  You can't make new old friends.  

harshedbuzz

I would not.

This sounds like a way for your son to raise his standard of living financially while limiting your independence and options for care down the line. 

My cousin and widowed grandmother (grandmother raised her from babyhood) did something similar- granny put a down payment on a house the cousin could not otherwise afford and when she needed granny to go into a SNF (Parkinson's) untangling the ownership of the house was a nightmare-- she wanted granny to sign a quit claim but that impacted Medicaid and my dad and uncle weren't having any. In the end she did get to keep the house and did eventually go on Medicaid but it got really ugly in that dad and uncle never spoke with cousin again. I think they used the loophole of cousin providing care to avoid a SNF for 2+ years which is legitimate in her situation but still it cost my orphaned niece her family. (my mom and I are on friendly terms, btw)

My friend did this with her mom, but she bought and paid for the bigger place independently without dipping into the proceeds of mom's house. She did use mom's pension and social security to pay for PT caregivers and inherited the house-money after her mom passed which took some of the sting out of having to sell the 3 year old bigger house when her husband took a transfer across the country. 

If you wanted to move, and had no support where you are, I would suggest buying/renting a smaller place near them. 

HB

Bundy

Stuck in the middle's post reminds me of our situation.  We paid for a room to be built on to daughter's house and I wish we had never done it.  Haven't sold our home yet as son and wife wanted to rent it for a year while they had a new house built.Sorta glad I didn't sell as I am thinking seriously about moving back in by myself..Will be placing husband in memory care very soon as he is becoming impossible to deal with.  Son in law has a terrible temper and everyone walks on egg shells around him..Their lifestyle is entirely different from ours and I would love to be back in my own home but I will soon be 79 years old and don't know if I should do it.  I had wonderful neighbors and they want me to move back and said they would help me with anything I needed.  I am in good health and still able to drive but need to make a decision soon.  Think long and hard on your decision.

Jo C.

It is good that this is not going to be a situation that is rushed as I can hear the hesitancy in your writing.  You have much time to think about this and explore all the positives and negatives and the input from other Members here as well as getting legal and financial advice.

It is a good idea to explore the NC Medicaid system throught a Certified Elder Law Attorney in NC and compare it to Okla.  That may become important, especially with the co-mingling of funds so as to purchase a house with your son and DIL. Finances and taxation are also matters to be looked into.  Also, what happens if it does not work out well, and what happens to your investment after both parents pass away; will one son benefit from the home or will your share in that be divided with your other assets amongst all of your children . . . something to think about.

Caution, caution, caution until you are more certain as it would be very difficult to remedy this once the plug is pulled and you make the move.

If it is going to be for the "best," then that will be something you will come to decide after getting professional advice and talking it over with family; from what I read in your Post, it appears you are not yet sold on the move since you have such close ties with family, friends and healthcare where you presently are. 

You have time to work this out and will be able to discern which is the best way to go.  Let us know how you are and so hope that all goes well.

J.

Joydean

Scooterr, you have been given some very good advice, things to think about and to take into consideration.  Just from reading your post , as JoC said, I really think you already know the answer. Look closely at all you would be giving up and what you would be getting. How would all this affect your relationship with your other son? You can always do the old pro’s and con worksheet!  Best of luck to you!

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Scooterr

Thank you guys for all the good advice and some very good points where brought up that I wasn't think about. I think deep down inside I've already made my mind up to stay here. I just needed to hear some other view points. Thanks again.

Marie58

You got a lot of good input already, but I'll add my story.

When DH was diagnosed 6 years ago we decided we needed to downsize as we were in a very big house. I was fearful and frankly, clueless, about what the future would hold, how much help I would need, etc, and really didn't know what to do. I wasn't used to making big decisions alone. We have a son and DIL nearby and we are very close. They have helped A LOT the past 6 years. Anyway, we considered a situation like this as well. We'd both sell and buy a place together with separate living quarters. We looked at a few places but never found the right thing. We didn't even get to the point of seeing an attorney for financial advice, etc. 

Fast forward to the present. We ended up moving into a smaller place closer to the kids and closer to where I was working at the time. I don't know your ages, but we're relatively young and I can see myself living in this smaller place as long as I can live alone, which hopefully is a couple decades. DH has now been in MC for almost 2 years. I have learned that I like my independence more than I realized. I'm glad our kids have their own life/home and I have mine. I'm also still close to my friends and my church. And my relationship with our son, DIL and grandkids is stronger than ever. Would that be the case if we'd shared property all these years? I don't know, but in hindsight I'm glad we didn't move forward with that plan for many reasons. 

Be sure to think of your future should you outlive your DW. Would you have to move again, start all over again? Things can change so quickly on this dementia journey and these decisions can be hard. You'll make the right decision. Blessings to you and DW.