ER, Hospital, rough week

Sligo177

My DH started with severe knee pain 5 days ago, went quickly to being unable to walk, I had so many near falls helping him from chair to bed. (It turns out it's gout and  increased cognitive decline) My caregiver was not coming in because of appointments, no one for 3 days, so I was on  my own.  DH was just lying in bed in pain, all day, all night.  Tried getting him in a chair a couple of times, it was pointless.  Could not help or lift himself at all.  I could not get him to move in the bed at all, every time I tried to move him he would cry out.  I helped him with the urinal in bed, he stopped trying to move legs or arms, wouldn't raise his head.  We had accident after accident and he was lying in urine, I slid a shower curtain under him to pull him over to the other side of the bed where it was dry.  You get the picture, it was awful.  Did this for 3 days.  I finally called his primary, and 911, they were prepared for him in the ER.  He's in hospital.  When he is ready to be discharged he will either go to rehab and then memory care, or straight to memory care.  I did not see this coming.  I thought, oh maybe we'll be OK at home...or maybe 2 years down the line, we'll have to do this. 

 I had the wake-up call as I was pushing him down the hall in a heavy chair trying to get him to his bed. (Got a transport chair after that but at the time it was all I had).  Unless DH has  24 hour care at home, I can't keep him safe, and I'm going to hurt myself.  This guy deserves better. I wanted you guys to know, because you share so openly and warmly.  We have reached another phase.  I want to honor my DH and this is my decision.  But I feel like a quitter. 

Just Bill

Be kind to yourself for having gone this far. You are doing the right thing.

ButterflyWings

(((Sligo))) Major hugs for surviving such a horrible week and keeping you both safe plus getting next steps in place before further decline occurs. 

You have shared a short recap of a nightmarish 72 hours that we can guess were much, much more challenging than you can even fully describe. Quitter? Doesn’t sound like it to me. I heard amazing strength, creativity, compassion, deep love, and clear headed thinking. 

Wishing you and your DH the very best in this new caregiving arrangement that sounds extremely wise and truly best for both. Keep breathing. You are an amazing caregiver and wife. 

ImMaggieMae

Sligo, you’re not a quitter. You did the best you could to care for him at home, but his other health issues, along with the dementia were beyond what you could handle at home. None of us have any idea what tomorrow will bring with this horrible disease. Be kind to yourself and get some much needed rest. You can still be involved with his care when he is in rehab or MC.

Buggsroo

Sligo, you are no quitter. You have done your best, what more could you have done? I think you are incredible and I think you helped your husband through some real scary situations. But now it is time for the professionals to care for him. Please understand, you did the best you could.

Joydean

Sligo, quitter, if you were a quitter you would have stopped taking care of dh a long time ago. You have given so much of yourself, doing everything you could, no quitter! Your love for your husband comes through your words in your post and your actions. Don’t beat yourself up, stay strong for yourself and for your dh. You will still be there for him and advocating for his benefit. Prayers for you and your dh.

Pam BH

Sligo, you are so far from a quitter! I echo everyone else's responses. I hope I can have your stamina and know-how when I face difficult situations. Best wishes and prayers for both you and your DH. You're a wonderful caregiver

M1

Sligo, Ben Franklin said gout hurt so much that it even hurt to hear the cat walk across the floor.  No wonder he was immobilized.

That sounds like too much for anyone and sounds like he's where he needs to be for now.  I know how difficult this is.  Wishing the best for both of you.

billS

Sligo, as others have said you are not a quitter. You have gone above and beyond trying to deal with a situation that is out of your control. Now it is time to take care of yourself, and realize that without your own health you could not be of any use at all to your DH.

Sligo177

Thank you so  much, all.  I need this group to keep me on track!  I know it's the best course of action, it's just this darn guilt, and wondering if it's too soon....but it is not too soon, it's time.  The place he will be is a stone's throw away, and it's lovely.  Gonna keep all of your kind and meaningful responses in my head as I go through the following weeks.  God bless you all.

Jo C.

Hello dear Sligo; here we are on Monday, which I imagine will be very busy trying to accomplish all that needs doing to gain a bed at the desired care center.  I will be thinking of you and so hoping it will all go smoothly and be able to happen very soon.

Not a single one of us feels that you are  anywhere near the category of being a, "quitter."  You are a loving and dedicated person who knows that the time has arrived at which much more care is needed on a 24 hour level than can be safely and adequately provided at home.  This is a hard decision for most of us to make and you have wisely recognized that this is necessary for protecting the health and physical well-being for the both you. 

It does sound as though the facility of choice is nearby and a good one from what you have expressed and that is a big plus.  It may well be that the care setting will also be a positive for your husband with the larger care team and the routine and structure for that 24 hour care period that is non-stop.  Bless his heart; so hope the physician has prescribed the appropriate medication to relieve his severely painful gout.

You will absolutely not be abandoning your dear husband; you will still be his carer, just in a different sort of way.  What a lovely thing to be able to be his loving wife who has not injured herself or become ill from the stressors of heavy overwhelming caregiving both day and night.  Insead, you will be free to be able to be his beloved wife, and advocate moreso without the overwhelming and exhausting care dynamics which have been taking their toll.

We know this is a difficult time and all sorts of deep feelings come with making such a decision; we are thinking of you and are sending you our warmest thoughts and best wishes for a positive transition. 

J.

Beachfan

Sligo,

You are far and away not a quitter! And it is probably not too soon.   Nor should you feel guilty. I placed DH in November with the same nagging doubts.  Once I saw him among his fellow residents and realized how progressed he was in this disease,  I understood how much I had been doing just to stay afloat.  It was clearly time.  You can always rescind your decision and terminate placement, but it sounds as though you have exhausted all resources in attempting to care for him with occasional help at home.  Stay strong, think the situation through rationally and mindfully, and your heart will follow.  Best wishes! 

Marie58

Sligo, you are not a quitter! You are doing what's best for you and DH. He will be safe and well cared for. You are actually a survivor!

I had the same feelings when I placed my DH. But then friends, family and staff at the MC facility kept telling me they couldn't believe how long I kept DH home and how much I was doing for him. That sounds like the case for you as well. A loving caregiver at the MC facility also reminded me that they have several staff at a time on 8 hour shifts and they get to go home afterwards. Essentially there are lots of people sharing the 'job' I was doing 24/7 by myself. You will still be there for him, just in a different capacity. Yes, it's hard, but you will most likely both benefit from it in so many ways.

Blessings to you and DH.

Scooterr

Sligo by far your no quitter. You've done a wonderful and loving  job with your DH. I just hope I'm as strong as you. Your DH is truly blessed.

White Crane

Sligo, as others have said, you are not a quitter.  Far from it.  You have kept him home as long as you could and taken good care of him.  You are a hero and a loving wife who is doing what is best for her dear husband and herself.  Sending love and prayers.

Sligo177

Thank you to all of you, my friends.  I needed your support and boy, you do come through!  DH is still in hospital, much less pain now, still can't walk, can't put weight on his left knee because he injured it somehow - that may be what triggered the gout.  So, sub acute rehab, and then memory care to live.  He was mad at me today when I left the hospital, he felt I should just put him in the car and bring him home, I know he doesn't get it.  But somewhere in there, he knows I'm doing my best. Again, thank you.

David J

Sligo,  When I was where you are, getting ready to move my wife to an MCF, someone on here told me to “throw my guilt in the waste bin”. That was good advice. A good caregiver knows when their LO will be better off in 24/7 care, and when they as caregivers can no longer provide that care alone. You are doing the best thing for both of you. It may be the hardest and best decision you’ve had to make as your husband’s caregiver. 

Dave