Do they really adjust to MC?

Daughter80

It’s only the second night for my mom in MC. The move day went beautifully. Today was really hard. Mom is mad. Said we set all this up behind her back. She goes back and forth thinking she is in her old apartment then realizing she isn’t and is in a MC facility. She was ok. then anxious. Then sad. She called me tonight and was mad. She asked if I knew where she was. I said of course. I told her the name of the place and she said we didn’t tell her she would be moving. I said I’m sorry it feels like we didn’t tell you. This is the place we had to take you to since there was a plumbing issue at your place. She calmed immediately and was grateful that it was only temporary. She was crying and saying she knew I would never do that to her. 

But I did. I put her there. I am so questioning what else I could do. I could quit my job and bring her home with me. I could have tried assisted living. She is so young. 67. She is pretty lucid most of the time. This isn’t fair and if doesn’t feel right at all. She should have a husband to care for her. Or this should have happened later when I wasn’t raising teens and I could devote more time to her. 

How does someone so lucid adjust?  What does that even look like? It feels hard to image her even being able to adjust. 

ButterflyWings

Daughter, no they don’t adjust in 24 hours or even a few weeks maybe. Neither would we! Especially if we couldn’t remember things from one moment to the next. It sounds like you calmed her fears and handled those questions perfectly. Also dementia put her there, not you.

Husbands can be lovely, but are not necessarily the solution. They can succumb to dementia too, I am very sorry to say. And quitting your life and career to do 24/7 caregiving is not something I would advise. I am in exactly that situation (made that choice for now) for my DH but it is a daily struggle on so many levels and I don’t know what will be left for me to salvage of my future in Stage 8. 

You are making amazing progress for your DM in my view. I have told my adult children I absolutely DO NOT want them to sacrifice their lives to take me in should I end up with dementia (God forbid!). 

In your shoes I’d say when you second guess your wise decisions, just give it 6 months and then reassess. If you feel differently then, you can always make a change. If you had taken a new job, we give it a year before even evaluating performance because things take time to gel and settle in (and that’s without any dementia confusion complicating things!) Try to schedule in self care and positive non-CG respite time for you at this time. 

sandwichone123

I'll answer your last questions. What adjustment looks like is that the PWD feels that their current living situation is familiar and that caregivers are trusted people. The PWD is used to the routine and looks forward to aspects of it including meals, activities, and specific people (both staff and clients).

Remember that lucid comes and goes, and that if it were reliable you wouldn't be having this conversation.

GothicGremlin

Give your mom some time to settle in.  It can take awhile. ButterflyWings' advice is really good - reassess in six months and see where your mom is. 

And like Sandwichone123 says, lucid comes and goes. Even now, I can have a quasi-lucid conversation with Peggy, and she's been in memory care for eight months.  And of course all of that can turn on a dime. Today when I talked to her on the phone (they're still locked down because of a covid outbreak), she got into her loop about wanting a cat, a condo, and her car. It took me a half hour to finally get her redirected.

Peggy hated memory care when she first moved in, now, generally speaking, she likes it. Sometimes she even knows it's the best place for her. It's really sad though - like your mom, Peggy's young for memory care, she's 62.

For me, I know memory care is the best place for Peggy. TBD if it's the best place for your mom. But I know that Peggy is well-taken care of, she gets a lot of socialization, and there are routines. I'm still working and I know I can't spend all of the time she needs from me.  At memory care, she's always engaged. 

May flowers

So sorry to hear she’s having a hard time. If it is any consolation, i spent a lot of time with the residents at FIL’s facility and I didn’t see any of them miserable all day. One family we got to know said their dad complained every night about how miserable he was, but when we were there he was always smiling and engaged. One time, we were there and a lady (new resident) was participating and seemed to be enjoying things, and her daughter walked in and the waterworks started. I think nighttime is hardest when they are in their rooms and have time to think about things.

It is hard to keep the fib going, but she will settle in eventually and stop asking. Feeling guilty is very normal, I think we just have to keep reminding ourselves that they are in the best place for their needs. We second guessed ourselves a lot because my FIL was lucid and not nearly in as an advanced stage as many there, but he ended up finding others near his level. Here he was either sitting and staring all day or walking for hours on end. I could not get him interested in anything. It was so much better for him there with his peers, I actually think he had some improvement. The nurse sent me videos of him interacting with the group and I was really surprised, and glad.

harshedbuzz

DD80-

48 hours in is early days. Very early days. 

Even my dad, whose baseline relationship with me was anger, settled. I was surprised that it took only about 2 weeks- 1 month is more typical. He was placed a bit later than your mom seems to have been and likely lacked some of the ability she still has to socialize and engage because my mom cared for him at home longer than she should have. This is to say that even if she had a loving and doting husband, placement may still have been necessary for any number of reasons so please let go of that fantasy. 

Keep repeating the story about the plumbing issue and validate her frustration at not being home and then redirect to a more pleasant topic. I never visited dad empty-handed which allowed me to pivot to cookies, a magazine or cup of hot coffee I brought him.

If the phone calls are more than you can handle, let them go to voicemail and return them once daily when you have mentally prepared yourself for her vitriol. Some folks get a cheap burner phone with a recorded message meant to calm their LO in order to keep their main phone free of constant calls. Other folks disappear the phone as it increases anxiety and reinforces discontent. 

When you visit the MCF, it might be best to bring someone with whom your mom is inclined to be on her best behavior- a grandchild or son-in-law perhaps. If you have to go solo, make sure to keep the visit in a public space to avoid being excoriated. 

This is hard, but it does get better.

HB

Daughter80

I couldn’t do this without you guys. You have really been a source of hope and comfort for me. Thank you all for taking time to reply, comforting words and advice. I really do hav the power to calm her. The therapeutic fib calms her so quickly and that feels good. I always take her to church on Sundays and I’m supposed to go get her today. I am nervous but thinking it’s our normal routine. Best to keep that. And I have a plan for either her to join a painting class or get a nap when we return. That’s the part that scares me. Bringing her back. It will be ok.  It will be ok. My self mantra. Thank you all for sharing how your LO adjusted and the length of time it took. That helps so much.

MN Chickadee

My mother was somewhat lucid when we moved her. It was a very painful time. There will be more nights like last night. But it does get better. Eventually the place comes to be familiar and they consider it home, at least to the extent possible in their minds. Sometimes home is a place from long, long ago. It was two steps forward one step back for the first couple months. Mom would have some good days and enjoy the activities but then we'd have awful conversations about going home, sadness, tears, anger. After about 6 weeks she would have more good days than bad, and after 8-12 weeks I would say she had fully adjusted. This part is a marathon not a sprint. Just try to keep your head up. It does get better. The first week she was in MC was the hardest time in my life, basically second only to when my mother was dying. I remember questioning all my choices after she entered MC, from the choice of facility to the fact I moved her at all; that I didn't move my family or msyelf in with her, or try this or that. I did the same line of thinking after she passed away. I think it's all part of the normal grief process. The bargaining step of grief. Over thinking everything, ruminating to no end, all the "if only" thoughts. There is a great deal of grief during the move to MC; you and your mother are both losing a lot through no fault of your own. We do what has to be done even though it is hard. We get our LO the care they need as their loving children and POA. I knew in her right mind my mother would want me to move forward, to be a good parent to my children, to invest in myself and job and retirement and health. Keeping her home just wasn't possible in our circumstances but knowing this stuff logically didn't help my heavy heart. It does get better. She will slowly adjust, it just takes a while.  Hang in there.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Daughter80, if your mom puts up a fight returning from church, you can consider finding a church that streams/uploads their services online and load them up on a laptop or tablet and play them for her without leaving the MCF. I have heard others say try to limit taking newly moved LO out of the MC to help them transition better, so this might be an alternative you could use of needed. 

Stay strong! You did the right thing for her. I'm cheering for you ((hugs))

Daughter80

Thanks again to everyone. I did take her to church today. She looked awful when I picked her up. Jeans on backwards. Jacket upside down. Looked like she hadn’t slept at all. She was sad in the car. Cried at church but it was ok. I let her because, good grief this must be so hard for her. I just hugged her and held her almost like i would with my own kids. Then watched as her brain “changed the subject” and joined her in that. She is amazing. She kept trying to wrap her head around everything. Like confirming all of the details. Then once she realized (at that moment as I’m sure this will be ongoing) that she would be living alone in an apartment she said that she would work to make new friends. That is so promising to me. Like you have all said. I will give it time. But I just kept telling her how amazing she is and this cheered her up. When I took her back she didn’t even bat an eye. Just asked where we were. I told her the name of the place. She asked if she had an apartment there and I said yep. We had picked up lunch and we went in and ate lunch in her apartment. Then I took her to “cocktail hour” and met a few of the more verbal residents and had mom introduce herself to them. They chatted for a bit and I attempted to leave. She knows she can’t find her apartment so she got nervous and said she just wanted to go back to her apartment. I planned to just drop her off there and leave but the staff noticed and had her join them for “painting and sips” in a room with all of the higher functioning residents. They were laughing and having a good time. I told her bye and scooted out. Man this is facing fears head on daily for me. All of you who have already gone through this…you are amazing. What you do gory our LO is amazing. To me you are real heros. Bless you all

RobinNicole

Hi Daughter80

First - you are a wonderful and caring daughter and doing everything to ensure your mom is safe and cared for .As others have said it takes time for your LO to settle in - but also for you as well.   My mom settled in after a few weeks and by a month was in a good routine.  We told her it was a hotel at first since the house was being worked on -which was truth.  At first it was rough   Lots of questions and calls about the house , money, needing to go home but within a few weeks less questions and more routine 

 She was placed on the memory floor because that was only room available for respite but she is on the AL tier.   We have not moved her as she has become accustomed to her “apartment” and sometimes joins activities on her floor and most times on main floor.  We have not taken her out  thinking that might be a trigger but she goes out with the group on rides and the restaurant lunches.  Sundays they have different services which many seem to attend.  Maybe the MC has something?

As for lucidity I get it.  My mom is navigating personalities like a pro , knows the year she was born, asks about the family etc.  She also is a champ at the trivia and word games!

She has asked about the house less often and now I remind her it’s being worked on and she quickly thanks me for taking care of it and moves on to telling me how nice it is there   She is also not shuffling as much because she is doing exercise classes and walking a lot.  She also never calls anymore-which is sad to me BUT as my son reminds me is that is because she used to call me for every little thing and now there are always people around to be with and help her.  So as she has adjusted and in her way thriving with new friends I still adjust.  I help her but in different ways and I cherish my visits where she loves introducing me to all her friends.  

Please be kind to yourself as she acclimates to her new life.  Whenever they get upset and tell us they forget the conversation a few minutes later .  We just need to remind ourselves that. Thinking of you both 

Daughter80

Thank you Robin for sharing. Your mom sounds a lot like mine. Sweet ladies. Such an awful situation.