Between a rock and a hard place(3)

HamsterInWheel

I am taking care of my dad with dementia all by myself, and he is getting worse and worse.  He will not let me out of his sight, he shadows me constantly, and he backs me up into corners.  He will not sleep or let me sleep.  I really need to put him in a nursing home, but I depend on him for a home and income.  I cannot work because I can't leave him by himself for any amount of time, no matter how short.  I know that if I put him in a nursing home, I will no longer have his social security check, and I will have to get a job FAST!  I have no skills!  What do I do???

May flowers

Hamster (what a fitting avatar for all of us in this situation!), I am sorry you are going through this. As far as your dads behavior, there may be medications that can calm him and help him sleep if you can get him to a Geri-psych. 

As far as work in the future, try not to stress over it too much. There are a lot of entry level jobs out there. I know restaurants and retail have had a hard time finding workers right now, if that kind of work appeals to you. Around here (GA) they are paying as much as triple minimum wage.

Another idea is to do online college in an field you thing you would enjoy. It would give you the flexibility to do classes when you were free to, and you would probably qualify for financial aid. Just a thought.

M1

I agree with May Flowers, Hamster.  It's a great time to get a job, if that's what you decide you want.  Change is always difficult and scary--but it will come, regardless.  If your dad gets hospitalized, you may end up in the same situation; good that you are at least thinking about it, and probably better that you make the changes voluntarily than to be caught unawares.  

MN Chickadee

Does he own a home? In some states a caregiver who has provided care for a certain amount of time can stay in the house even if the PWD goes into a facility on Medicaid. You will want to google 2022 Long Term Care Medicaid and your state to find out the rules, and consulting an elder law attorney is always best to get the most accurate advice for each particular situation. Is he a veteran? There are separate services for vets.  Adult daycare can be a great way to get respite from caregiving while keeping the person at home. In some states it is covered by Medicaid and/or a waiver program. Also see if Medicaid covers any in-home care in your state, some states do send someone in for a set amount of hours per week to help you. 

It is true now is a great time to be job hunting; definitely an employee's market. Wages and incentives are way up. Does your area have any economic/job development centers? They often have people who can help guide you and give your resources on local job fairs and training opportunities. You could also call 211 and ask about temporary resources in your area if you find yourself in a financial jam all of a sudden. They should be able to tell you about anything in the area that can help with housing, food etc. 

You may end up having to move your father to a facility no matter what. Sometimes a change in health, a fall, a seizure, a stroke suddenly necessitates care we can't provide at home. It's good to be making a plan for if/when that happens. 

harshedbuzz

HIW-

You have 2 competing responsibilities here. 

One is to ensure your dad is cared for and the other is to create a sustainable life for yourself. The latter is more critical.

Your dad has a terminal diagnosis which could strand you in an instant. He sounds later stage, but even so could live another 2-6+ years at which time you will be older and no more prepared to enter the workforce. Plus it is highly unlikely that the job market will be as robust as it is at the moment.

You need to put you first. If nothing else, you could probably get trained as a CNA in a few months (depending on where you live- you already have the skills) and use that to support yourself while training for another career. 

To that end, I would encourage you to meet with a CELA asap. Taking a salary in exchange for care could interfere with him qualifying for Medicaid if you need that at some point. There are ways to make it legal to take a salary as a family member in some states, but not all. Medicaid rules vary by state so you need a professional rather than hearsay or the opinions of well-meaning people like me.

Are you your dad's only family? Is his home paid for or does he have a mortage of any kind (original, reverse, home equity) that would need to be satisfied on his death? Are there other debts or potential heirs to his estate? It would be a shame to put your life on hold expecting a payout to start a new life and have it not work out that way. 

HB

HamsterInWheel

May Flowers, I'm in GA too!

HamsterInWheel

MN, yes, he owns his home (which is my home too).  It is paid for, meaning no mortgage.  I am also aware that I can still live here after he goes into a NH because I've been his caregiver for way longer than 2 years (6 to be exact).  He also has a last will and testament which states that I will inherit the house upon his death.

HamsterInWheel

Harshedbuzz, being a CNA is the LAST thing I want to be!  What I really want is an entry-level IT position, and a live-in caregiver for my dad.

BassetHoundAnn

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be a CNA. That is one tough job, as we all know! 

If you're looking for an entry-level IT job you should consider getting Microsoft certification in several areas. https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/flexibility/training-and-certification-solutions and https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/learn/certifications/certification-process-overview

The training programs are free from Microsoft. You can work at them online at home. And the certifications carry a great deal of weight in the job market. 

You should also talk to advisors at local technical colleges. They may have some suggestions for training programs. Tech school advisors tend to be clued in about what sort of skilled workers are currently in demand in your area. There are often obscure niches in healthcare or lab work where trained workers are hard to hire. For instance years ago someone told me that hospitals were desperate to hire pediatric cardiovascular ultrasound techs, a specialty that requires lots of good kid skills with some medical training. 

The other posters are correct that you need to take care of yourself first and plan a solid life for yourself post-dad-care. It is excellent time for job hunting. The grocery stores near my house are paying nearly $20/hour starting pay. 

Good luck!

harshedbuzz

HamsterInWheel wrote:

MN, yes, he owns his home (which is my home too). 

Are you on the deed as joint tenant in common? Or do you just reside there with him? Big difference.

It is paid for, meaning no mortgage. 

This is good. 

I am also aware that I can still live here after he goes into a NH because I've been his caregiver for way longer than 2 years (6 to be exact). 

It's a little trickier than that. Medicaid rules state that you would have to be giving a level of care around ADLs to keep him from being admitted to a SNF in most states. This is another reason to line up your ducks with a CELA- to make sure you have truly met those criteria. In most places providing assistance around IADLs does not count. IADLs are the sorts of thing one typically takes on in adolescence- driving, housekeeping/home maintenance, bill paying, cooking- and are the sort of assistance one might get from an AL setting. ADLs (toileting, bathing, being fed) w/medical needs around care beyond simple medication management are SNF-level care. 

 He also has a last will and testament which states that I will inherit the house upon his death.

This would be after his financial obligations are met. If he went into a SNF on Medicaid and you hadn't met their definition of "caregiving" they'd need to be paid back which would include the house being sold unless there were other assets that could be used. 

FWIW, a paid live-in caregiver is typically the most expensive approach to dementia caregiving. These folks are paid a standard salary, plus you have to deal with background checks, additional homeowner's insurance, their payroll and social security taxes as well as fund suitable housing for them and schedule replacement care for their days off, sick and PT and vacations. Without a LTC policy, this is a fantasy for most people. 

zauberflote

Hamster, to add to BassetHoundSnn's comments about Microsoft certifications-- my son got an entry-level IT job in a county school system with these certifications and a 2-year degree in business admin (not sure that degree has done him any good yet!!) Being, as all you IT folks are, very good at what he does, he has moved up a couple of times and is now settled for life, if he wants, in the county IT dept itself. Go for those certs!