Too many visitors!! Vent

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Just needed to get something off my chest about the afternoon at home.

So just before my family and I were going to church, my aunt texted my dad that she and two of my uncles (mom's siblings) were going to be stopping by around 2 to visit with my dad after him being in the hospital this past week and to see mom.

They came around 2:30, towards the end of Sunday dinner and my one uncle brought along his 16yo granddaughter and his 13yo son! So that was 5 extra people in our house. Mom (PWD) was obviously overwhelmed at times and her siblings kept saying "do you know this? did you do that? are you going to go there?" etc. Thankfully her siblings eventually stopped and then asked what needed to be done around the house and then went to do it, leaving the kids. 

My sister and I tried to distract mom and to bring her into the bedroom where it was quieter but she kept hearing everyone coming in and out the front door and just had to see what everyone was doing. Eventually she started to recognize her siblings and called them by name and calmed down a little. She did enjoy it once in a while.

Then the kids started getting restless and playing their games loudly and started asking my sister and I for drinks that we didn't have and running around asking when dinner (supper) would be and complaining that it was past their dinner time. Their guardian kept telling them that they weren't eating here (thank God because we didn't have anything on hand for nine people!) but they kept whining. So since my uncle didn't want them to have food, I thought I shouldn't either, not that we had anything to share to begin with.

So mom kept getting more agitated and my sister and I were having a hard time trying to calm and redirect her while simultaneously trying to get the kids to understand that we didn't have anything for them and that they had to calm down. Then dad came back in and took mom outside.

Somehow that calmed both parties (yay!) and my sister and I got a little breather. I periodically went outside to check on my mom and she was happily watching my aunt prune the flowers so I left it be. But then later dad comes busting in the door with mom in tow, yelling at me to wash mom's hands off for touching poison ivy! 

Mom's agitated again because no doubt they were yelling at her for touching the plant and not understanding what the hullabaloo was for. I've never interacted with poison ivy before so I wasn't sure how urgent it all was so I was trying to get mom to the sink quickly which of course didn't go well for us. I read online for cool water and scrubbing under the nails but mom was having none of that. She fought me the whole time and I felt awful for forcing her but I didn't want the chance of her getting rashes which would be worse. Once we finished I thanked her, said praises, gave her high fives and gave her her late afternoon snack. She left the kitchen smiling! 

Things outside got wrapped up and everyone started to say goodbyes. Then my other uncle asked for bottled water for on the road. We didn't have any and he started complaining, refusing any alternatives. Then the granddaughter started asking for coffee on the go. I tried telling her that we really didn't have any way to transport it and it would have taken 5 minutes to make it when they were already running out the door as she was asking anyway. I was only able to say goodbye to my aunt and totally forgot to tell her less people next time during the chaos.

As soon as they left, my sister and I went about feeding the cat and getting supper ready since it was now 6. Mom settled down in her favorite spot and dad conveniently played some Bach. Mom was back in her tranquility and she really enjoyed her dessert after dinner, watermelon. 

Glad she rebounded okay but I'm totally upset that I didn't get a chance to relax on my one day off of work and constant mom care. It was just too much going on!

Daughter80

Ugh. That sounds awful. And exhausting. So sorry for you for sure. Maybe you could ask them to come in smaller groups and to bring food next time?  Anything to actually help you guys and not add stress. And when they are there maybe you can go take a nap??

May flowers

Ugh, Cats, what a day! I agree with daughter80’s ideas.

My FIL doesn’t have visitors often, but when My BIL come to visit it is always 6 of them (four kids). I love my nieces and nephews, and I’m glad for my FIL has visitors, but…

Like your mom, it is agitating for him after a while. Last visit,  I just took the kids to the pool and got a nice break in the process. 

I really wish family would come not just to visit but to give us a break, even if just for the afternoon. It always feels like we are entertaining while trying to keep up with my FIL. I won’t hold my breath though, we are going on  5 years now, with one week of respite (early on) during that time. We get a lot of “offers” but when we ask, there is always something going on and they can’t get away. *sigh*

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Oh nice ideas! I'll try and remember that for any future visits. 

I was hoping that while they were here I could have gotten away for a short time because I thought that they were only visiting. Turns out they were going to do yardwork for us. Mom used to do it and she was great at keeping up with it before the dementia came in. My sister and I hardly have had any time to work on it since taking care of her takes all our focus and energy. Dad has his own issues so it's difficult for him too.

I was thankful that they were here to help, our neighborhood has a few trigger-happy reporters and I was worried we'd be seeing fines from township soon about it all. Just sucks that it was a lot of people at once. 

The aunt who came today has asked dad before if we needed any help, and he said "no, we're good " ((sigh)) I told my older sister about it and she told aunt that actually we could benefit having someone come to stay with mom once in a while. Aunt was like "call the church and have someone come sit with her." Um, I thought you wanted to help us personally? She really surprised me coming down today.

zauberflote

Cats, what an ordeal! I agree with Daughter also. Maybe some rules of engagement have to be put in place. If it were me.... I might have had a little nervous breakdown regarding those teenagers, who sound much much younger in your description! 

It was nice of the folks to do all the stuff around the house-- you were very smart to have a list. 

And Bach! Yes!!! 

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Zauberflote, yes Bach is great! I have his cello concerto as my alarms on my phone. My dad must have heard it and decided to play that today instead of his heavy metal (which I also don't mind but mom on the other hand...).

I think we had told my aunt that she should get her visiting in before 4:30 a week ago when she said she might visit. Mom tends to sundown around then on occasion so we wanted to minimize any stressors for her during that time. The family was definitely here past that. It's just kinda hard enforcing boundaries and limits to my older family members, I feel like it's not my place. I'm going to have to get over that since it's about my mother's well being and she's the oldest so they should be on their best behavior for her anyhow.

When my older sister and her two sons visit, mom handles that very well but those boys know how to behave and occupy themselves while here. Maybe we should try limiting visitors to only three at a time and see if that'll be okay with mom going forward.

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