Abusive Narcissist Now Obviously Has Dementia/Alzheimers

angelanogle

TIL: My grandfather is and has always been abusive towards my grandmother and is escalating as his symptoms get worse. He doesn't have a diagnosis because my grandmother has 50 years of Stockholm Syndrome and does absolutely everything for him. We're struggling to keep up through the abuse and my mother's (their only child) inconsistency. Please give me suggestions. 

I haven't found any situation quite as...dire as mine, so I'm hoping for support and advice. My grandfather has always been very abusive to my grandmother; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, you name it. He also tormented my mother into an abuser just like him. Now 80, my grandfather is well into the stages of some sort of cognitive issues. I have about 4 pages worth of examples/proof that he is starting to lose his abilities (shaky handwriting, unable to recall events accurately, struggling to do math, etc.) The problem is my (also 80) year old grandmother has cared for him and been abused her entire life. He is secretive and controlling of finances, so she is terrified of retribution - not to mention the Stockholm Syndrome. 

He has always been, well, a complete and utter jerk, to say the least. The most OPENLY and PROUD racist, sexist, close-minded person I've ever even seen. His pride is unmatched. I can see him lose his intelligence, and he's escalating. He becomes ENRAGED and blames others when he can't do math - and then gaslights you (not as well) into convincing you that YOU are the reason basic math is wrong. According to him, he is perfect and unchanging. 

My friends, he does nothing. I'm not exaggerating. My grandmother is expected to sit with him all day - without moving, unless she is cleaning or cooking. He gets angry if she leaves the room. Immediately demands to know where she's going and why. He wakes her up at 7:30am every morning by staring at her and asking "Where's my coffee?" even though she prepped the coffee the night before. All he would need to do is turn it on. She's prescribed adderrall because she is always "tired." She physically can't keep up with his demands. Now that he's becoming more irrational, there's no way to appease to him. He is in complete denial that something may be wrong with him and becomes even more irritated, leading to more abuse with my grandmother. 

I have moved in with them twice. I'm getting married in June and I have no idea what to do. We bought several acres of land that I am trying to have them downsize to (they live in a suburban 2300 square foot house now), but I can't even bring myself to accept that as reality. My mom (their daughter) was also abused by her father, causing the same abusive patterns (I have cut off contact for her domestic abuse issues, specifically towards me growing up). She only comes to see her parents when it benefits her, and being in control of her dying parents in their moment of most weakness, only to seal her part of her inheritance - that is intoxicating. My grandparents drop everything and fall for her lies knowingly every time, claiming "but she's our daughter!!" Every time she starts sneaking her way, she causes drama and confusion. I am the only stable person in their lives. 

Here is my dilemma: What do I do about him? I feel like I'm putting my grandmother at risk by doing nothing, but there's genuinely nothing I can do. I don't have POA. He doesn't even have a will, meaning (in my state), The estate will be split between the wife and the kids. I can't even get him DIAGNOSED because he can (at this point) pull it together enough in front of a doctor. My grandmother and I can't take much more abuse. Any words would be more than helpful. 

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mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you for sharing here, hope you’ll keep coming back.  I can only imagine the heartbreak you have for your grandma.  My first thought after reading your post is there’s not much you can do.  If I were you, I’d go on with your own new life and enjoy.  Do not move them to a place where you would have the responsibilities.  Many marriages don’t survive the upheavals of caregiving a dementia patient and it sounds like a much bigger task than just your grandpa.  You don’t have the legal authority to do anything so you’d need full compliance from your LOs to get them safe.  That seems nonexistent.  There may be some resources out there, maybe contact the Center on Aging in your area, calling the Alzheimer’s Association consultation number?  

I’m so sorry for your dilemma.  You’re a wonderful granddaughter, the grown-ups in your life are the ones that have failed, not you, and sounds as if you’ve gotten it together even though they may have also failed you.  

harshedbuzz

 

 angelanogle wrote:

TIL: My grandfather is and has always been abusive towards my grandmother and is escalating as his symptoms get worse. He doesn't have a diagnosis because my grandmother has 50 years of Stockholm Syndrome and does absolutely everything for him. We're struggling to keep up through the abuse and my mother's (their only child) inconsistency. Please give me suggestions. 

Hi and welcome. I am sorry you have a need to be here, but happy you found us. 

I haven't found any situation quite as...dire as mine, so I'm hoping for support and advice.

Your situation isn't all that different than what I went through with my parents. Dad wasn't physically abusive in a way that would leave marks, but he was not a great dad and was not a good husband.  Add in the death of his favorite child and a descent into high functioning alcoholism and enough on the ball to put physical distance between his relationship with my mom and myself as the one person who could take away his independence.

My grandfather has always been very abusive to my grandmother; physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, you name it. He also tormented my mother into an abuser just like him.

I am sorry your mom wasn't the parent you needed, but I think it's helpful to think about her as being as victim here, too. Not only was her dad a bully, but her mom allowed it. Perhaps your mom identified more with her powerful dad than her ineffectual mother or maybe whatever brand of mental illness he lives with is something she came by through genetics. 

Now 80, my grandfather is well into the stages of some sort of cognitive issues. I have about 4 pages worth of examples/proof that he is starting to lose his abilities, unable to recall events accurately, struggling to do math, etc.) The problem is my (also 80) year old grandmother has cared for him and been abused her entire life. He is secretive and controlling of finances, so she is terrified of retribution - not to mention the Stockholm Syndrome. 

At some point the other shoe will drop if you are correct. Be ready for it with a Plan B. Perhaps he will be hospitalized for some other health issue- a mild stroke or cardiac issue and you could push for a neurology consult at that time. If he's very agitated (many PWD develop hospital psychosis), you could push for a geripsych eval as well. 

I would be careful with professionals in using diagnostic labels; it would be better to describe behaviors and let them decide what they're seeing. FWIW, my dad's geripsych saw "likely bi-polar" while my clinical psychologist friend and my own therapist felt he trended more into sociopathy. You don't want to paint yourself into a Munchausen-by-proxy corner. The other piece to this concerning your grandmother is that relationships in 80-somethings really can't be judged by the same standards we do those of our contemporaries. Many women that age see their role in a marriage as "supportive" to the point of agreeing with everything their spouse says, does or believes. My own mom fought me for years in getting dad diagnosed because she saw "protecting him" as part of the job description. 

He has always been, well, a complete and utter jerk, to say the least. The most OPENLY and PROUD racist, sexist, close-minded person I've ever even seen. His pride is unmatched. I can see him lose his intelligence, and he's escalating. He becomes ENRAGED and blames others when he can't do math - and then gaslights you (not as well) into convincing you that YOU are the reason basic math is wrong. According to him, he is perfect and unchanging. 

I didn't have this with my own dad, although he did make a hard right turn for a time in the early and mid-stages of dementia. I also saw this with the mother of a friend who'd previously been a Peace Corps volunteer running vaccine clinics in India after she retired in her 60's suddenly quoting anti-vax diatribes and carrying on about Bill Gates' chips. I am watching a beloved aunt make the right turn lately and suspect I may be working with my co-POA to get her evaluated at some point. 

One thing that does happen is a loss of social filter but that might not apply here if he's never cared to hide his true identity. 

If you are pointing out math errors, I would question why. It's generally best to allow them to think they're right. 

My friends, he does nothing. I'm not exaggerating. My grandmother is expected to sit with him all day - without moving, unless she is cleaning or cooking. He gets angry if she leaves the room. Immediately demands to know where she's going and why. He wakes her up at 7:30am every morning by staring at her and asking "Where's my coffee?" even though she prepped the coffee the night before. All he would need to do is turn it on.

This may be more a function of generational expectation for gender roles than actual dementia. My dad was always like this even before he had dementia. 

That said, the need to have her with him is likely a form of shadowing which speaks to progression of the disease into the middle stages. 

She's prescribed adderrall because she is always "tired." She physically can't keep up with his demands.

Who is prescribing Adderall for an 80 year-old woman? That's someone whose name needs to be on the radar of local authorities. 

Now that he's becoming more irrational, there's no way to appease to him. He is in complete denial that something may be wrong with him and becomes even more irritated, leading to more abuse with my grandmother. 

Are you pointing out his glitches for some reason? Because that is not a good tactic. You are only signaling a sense that you may be dangerous to his well-being and that won't end well. He's probably not so much in denial but suffering from anosognosia a condition  seen with dementia and some mental illnesses where the person is unable to appreciate that they are not thinking/behaving is a normal and rational manner. 

One strategy that might work would be contacting his PCP behind his back and share the concerns you have about the memory issues and resulting abuse of your grandmother. If he routinely gets out-of-control and threatening, record that and send it in with your bulleted list of concerns. Without a HIPAA form the doc can't talk to you, but you can share what you know.

I have moved in with them twice. I'm getting married in June and I have no idea what to do. We bought several acres of land that I am trying to have them downsize to (they live in a suburban 2300 square foot house now), but I can't even bring myself to accept that as reality.

I don't see how you can start a successful marriage and attempt to deal with this situation. You might have to pick one or the other. This really is your mom's responsibility. 

 My mom (their daughter) was also abused by her father, causing the same abusive patterns (I have cut off contact for her domestic abuse issues, specifically towards me growing up). She only comes to see her parents when it benefits her, and being in control of her dying parents in their moment of most weakness, only to seal her part of her inheritance - that is intoxicating. My grandparents drop everything and fall for her lies knowingly every time, claiming "but she's our daughter!!" Every time she starts sneaking her way, she causes drama and confusion. I am the only stable person in their lives. 

Are they dying? Or are they just old with one potentially having some form of dementia? Your mom probably feels entitled to a pay-off in exchange for the many ways the pair of them failed her as a parent. I wonder if she'd be more inclined to step in effectively if your weren't enabling her by doing her job. 

Here is my dilemma: What do I do about him? I feel like I'm putting my grandmother at risk by doing nothing, but there's genuinely nothing I can do. I don't have POA. He doesn't even have a will, meaning (in my state), The estate will be split between the wife and the kids. I can't even get him DIAGNOSED because he can (at this point) pull it together enough in front of a doctor. My grandmother and I can't take much more abuse. Any words would be more than helpful.

I don't know what you can do. In your shoes, I would probably focus on tending your own marriage. Then I would craft a Plan B and wait for the shoe to drop. 

 

 

terei

I can tell you only what I would do.  I would take grandmother to an attorney(CELA Certified Elder Care Attorney preferably) + detail what is going on + find out what her options are.  Your GM is going to have to agree that she wants out of the situation.     I would immediately do what I could to obtain any + all financial information they have(bank accounts, real estate info, tax statements etc, investments, pension info etc). 

This should be brought to the meeting with the attorney.  At the attorney, you should get DPOA + any other documents  on GM in case they are needed.

I would want to everything I could to protect my GM.  He is not going to improve his behavior + it is only going to get worse for her.

If she cannot bring herself to exit the situation, frankly, there is not much you can do IMO

FloydSnax

Angelanogie:

      I don't want this to sound like a joke because I understand the severity of your issue and feel for you...but, in a lot of these cases, the disease turns the persons behavior completely around and the nasty become nice (and also the other side of that coin too). I'm hoping this will be the case for you. I'm no doctor and know absolutely nothing but wouldn't that be nice. I'm pulling for you because there's nothing ever nice about this thing.