Shocked and Sad

ElCy

I was so surprised today when DH did not know we’ve been together for 36 years, didn’t know we lived together and asked me what my back story was. It just seems so early. He’s driving, up on current events, etc.

In so freaked out by this.

Vitruvius

Yesterday DW calmly and conversationally ask me what my wife's name was. This however has been going on for a while so it was no surprise to me. It doesn't make me love her any less. Point being your not alone, it's just another heartbreak of dementia.

A. Marie

ElCy, I'm sorry to have to say this--but if he's still driving, he shouldn't be. See numerous other posts about the possible fallout (getting lost, legal liability if he gets into an accident, etc.) of someone with dementia still driving.

dayn2nite2

Go out and look at the car in daylight really close.  Dings?  Dents?  Scuffs on the tires from cutting corners too close?

If not, you're lucky.  Get him a driving evaluation from an occupational therapist.  If he doesn't know you or your history, he likely is a danger on the road.

Vanderbilt has a Driver Rehabilitation Program and lists dementia as one of the conditions they evaluate driving ability in.

Driver Rehabilitation Program | Vanderbilt Health Nashville, TN

Bob in LW

ElCy wrote:

. He’s driving, up on current events, etc.

In so freaked out by this.

Having been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, your DH should not be driving.  My SO had to give up driving, and she isn't happy about it.  Her son, who has POA for her affairs, was advised by his attorney that if she should be at fault in an accident, he would be liable because he didn't stop her from driving after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

M1

ElCy, I did not know you're in Brentwood.  I am in Williamson County too.  FWIW, the Vanderbilt driving assessment program requires a referral from your PCP but there is at least a six month waiting list--we tried in the past.

I have to say, I agree with day2nite.  Probably time to have that fight, and you should be freaked out.

And I know exactly how your feel--for months before placement, my partner asked how long we'd been together, how we met, what work I did, whether I was married before or had kids--stuff she used to know all the time, that was part of our personal history.

He's probably further down the trail than you think.  That's what happens, it sneaks up on us.  

ButterflyWings

I know you probably don't need another to say it, but please, please stop the driving like yesterday. Please. If he can't remember you, what about all the traffic signs, right of way rules, and even brake vs. gas pedal when some other driver makes a wrong or aggressive move? 

Yes to checking for signs but even if you don't see any, the time to stop his driving is before something terrible happens. But just for fun, have you noticed any traffic violations? DH had a rash of red light *camera tickets (speeding, rolling stops, right on red with pedestrian in crosswalk, etc.) that he swore were unfounded, long before I realized what was happening with his brain. Also, so many scrapes, dents and dings on the car, but he honestly thought his son was responsible for those. (My SS did back into the garage while trying to park, and scraped another car while trying to parallel park...so it was reasonable that he was the one jacking up the car...until all the other signs of "something's really wrong with DH" came together. 

So, I took a few intentional drives with DH just to observe closely and was nervous enough to note that he was doing things he never would have before, including yelling at other drivers, getting impatient if the car in front didn't speed up through the yellow light, etc. I had seen enough, which is exactly what his neuropsych doc said when I told him my obervations. 

If you don't want to fight, that's OK too. Many have anosognosia and do not know they are impaired. That was my DH by the time it was clear he absolutely should not be behind the wheel (dementia related spacial issues, trouble judging distances, peripheral problems so pedestrians and runners in the crosswalk were particularly at risk).   I took the easy way out, yes I'm chicken like that, or know my LO very well). So after DH clearly was not going to comply with the initial gentle suggestions, I disappeared the keys and played dumb. Then disappeared his car and played dumb again. It is not worth hurting him and/or others, to not be on top of this one. Dementia + driving = accident waiting to happen. Literally. 

ElCy

He also wants to sell the house and get a divorce…

I know on the driving I just can’t figure how to do it.

Mint

ElCy I’m so sorry.  Have no answers, in the canoe rowing with you.  My mom wants generator and A/C removed from house.  Recently mentioned she does not really need hot water heater.  Very challenging.

toolbeltexpert

Elcy I do know your pain, for several months now my dw has been asking if we are married, she said she is still getting used to her new last name,been married 44 years. She still knows me and can still do a lot of adls. The last time she drove I have no idea where she went and neither did she. I had observed the scratches and little dents, normal trip milage way up. That was over a year ago. I swapped her keys with blanks and have a fib just in case it happens that she gets behind the wheel. It's a safty feature,the key won't turn if the battery is half dead. Or it's a computer problem.  Lots of folks hide the car. None of this is easy or fun.  I am on the east side, dekalb County.

Just Bill

Disable the vehicle. Keep stalling on the repair. First and foremost you cannot take anything he says seriously anymore.

Joydean

EICy, not to harp on the driving, telling my dh he could not drive anymore was the hardest thing. He loved driving, just getting in his truck and taking a drive was something he loved to do He was always mr safe driver, never had a ticket in his life. When I noticed his concentration was right, I just told him I could not ride with him anymore. He had started having a lot of panic attacks so I would take him for rides to help calm him down. He hasn’t driven in over 2 years, ever time he sees his doctor he ask when he he drive again! I know for a man it’s about independence. Trust me I don’t like having to do all the driving, but there’s other things I don’t like either. But that’s just the way life is with Alzheimer’s. 

Sorry about his wanting to sell your home and the talk about divorce. Hang in there. 

Stuck in the middle

My wife doesn't know how long we've been married.  I reminded her of our anniversary (June 15) and she asked me what year we were married.  She doesn't know the day of the week or the month of the year, and I'm not sure she can read a clock either.  You would not guess any of this in casual conversation - you would think she's a pleasant lady who lets her husband order her food at a restaurant.  In short, what you describe is normal for dementia.

My wife stopped driving after her diagnosis of dementia.  She worked in insurance long enough to know she would be blamed for any collision, regardless of the circumstances.  

Dementia is progressive, which means that you will be shocked and saddened many times before it is over.  I have balanced my wife's checkbook for five years, and written all the checks for four.

ImMaggieMae

There was no fight or disagreement at all when I asked my DH to let me do all the driving. I think it was about 18 months ago when we were going to pick up a pizza at at familiar place and he asked me which way to turn. On the way home I said to him “I know you’re a great driver but the confusion about directions concerns me (and it concerned him too - he was not in denial about his memory,) If a car were to pull out in front of you unexpectedly, or a child were to run out in the street, I think it would be very dangerous. How about I do all the driving from now on?” He agreed and never argued about it. At the time I was more in denial about his memory which had been diagnosed as MCI some time before. I still thought it was just aging or effects from chemo 10 years prior. At the time, the forgetting directions along with some forgetfulness was one of the few indications of any problem. About 10 months ago it was like someone flipped a switch and things started progressing very quickly. But even now, he never suggests driving himself and always asks me to take him for rides in my car. It is so sad, because he always loved cars and driving. 

My DH usually remembers that I am his wife, but only remembers my name about half the time. If I ask him, he’ll often say, “You’re just you.” Tonite he said my name was Marilyn Monroe. I guess I could do worse.

Sligo177

Hi EICy,

It sounds like you are going through great emotional hurt.  Your DH is giving you a hard time about a lot of things.  I am so sorry.  I wonder if you could turn to his doctor to give you some support in stopping him from driving...hoping you find the right solution.  

CStrope

I think taking away my DH's license was one of the hardest things I've had to do during this disaster, but I could tell that it was just a matter of time before something bad happened.  We only had 1 really nice car, and the other was just an older vehicle we used only occasionally.  He never liked or wanted to drive the old car, so I didn't worry about that one.  In the state of WI, when it's time for your license renewal, you are required to take a written test.  I went online to the DMV website and printed off a small portion of the online test they had available for practice.  I told him what it was and that it would help him know if the test would be too hard for him.  It was all street signs, and he got 1 out of 11 right.  After accusing me of scoring it wrong so that he failed, he realized how hard it would be for him to pass.  Plus I kept telling him that I was more than willing for him to take the test, but I didn't want him to be upset or embarassed if he failed it.  He refused to take the test, so he couldn't renew his license.  I also went and bought a new car with push button start, knowing he wouldn't be able to figure that all out.

Dio

ElCy, I feel your pain, as we here on this forum live it everyday. Our LO just doesn't have the capacity to remember or be the same person as we once knew.

The hardest thing for me to do was taking away and hiding car keys so as not to let DH drive. Sadly, he attributes being able to drive to being independent and in believing that he's not ill. Like a petulant child, he would insist on driving each time we got into the car and continues today; although with the right meds now, I am able to talk him out of it. Prior to getting the right meds, he once held me hostage by keeping the car door open with his leg halfway out the door so that I couldn't drive off. I face-timed his psychiatrist in hope that the doctor would be more effective, to no avail. That took 30min. Then I face-timed his sister, but again to no avail after another 30min. Even with a threat to call the police he still wouldn't budge. Then I called my sister, and he abruptly pulled his leg inside. So I quickly ran to the passenger side, slammed the door shut, ran back to the drivers seat, pulled his seat belt and clicked it, and was finally able to take off and bee-lined it home. He pouted the whole way. I was just relieved that he didn't try anything stupid while we were on the freeway home.

Heavy sigh. There are times I soften when I see his tortured face filled with pain and anguish. But my sanity returns and resolve strengthens. It's more than him getting lost or the liability of being sued, etc. I simply couldn't live with myself if he winds up killing/hurting some innocent person--and I know that he couldn't either.

Gig Harbor

My husband never scratched or dented our car but the last day he ever drove he had no idea where we were. I had no idea that he didn’t until he mentioned getting gas in Portland. We were going no where near Portland and the warning gas light had just come on. He was unable to tell me where we were even though he had driven that same stretch of road for 25 years while going to work.I drove home that day and we talked about getting lost while driving. He admitted he had but said it was fun and that he always found his way home. I said that with his diagnosis of dementia he could not drive and that insurance would not cover any accident he might be involved in. He actually gave in fairly easily which was a surprise.

T. Slothrop

ElCy,

It is a special moment when our spouses stop recognizing us. Mine came recently; my DW has been having delusions for months, but now they are more frequent and durable. She does not accept that we’ve been married for 46 years.  She is in a dreamstate wherein I am a houseguest; and often asks if I have heard from her husband. As firmly as I believe that it’s the disease, not the person, I find it hard to protect myself from the hurt feelings that are the result of not being seen by my wife. 

I had thought this would be easier, once her detachment from reality was more complete; that I could be more dispassionate, just find a caregiver partnership, and start to recover some of my life.  But so far, the hurt is the salient sensation. 

Tyrone

sandwichone123

EICy, I thought my dh was up on current events--he was reading news stories to me over breakfast regularly (albeit missing or mispronouncing some of the words), and could carry on his end of the conversation, vague, but engaged. When he had testing for SS Disability, he could not name two current events. He did know there were balloons in the sky (our annual balloon festival), but no other current event, even though I knew he'd ace that one.

Just Bill

Taking the keys away was easy. Her job gave her the you can retire or else speech because of issues due to her condition. She locked her keys in the car that day. And a week or so later she got her diagnosis of early onset dementia. Luckily the key fob battery was dead and I just kept stalling when she would ask when am I going to fix it. That took about 3 months to get her to fully buy in on not driving. It was a painful process but she did get it. And I made a point to drive her anywhere anytime so she wouldn't need to drive.

Davegrant

Driving was one of the first challenges that arose in this road to understanding dementia. My DW PP said right off that DW should not be driving. The PP told me to blame her for taking taking my DW license. Being new to what was happening, I followed the PP advice and boy was I glad that I did. The DMV required my wife to take a written test and DW failed and never took the test again. This process went on for a year and my DW was angry the whole time and I was forever grateful that the PP was blamed and the target of my DW rants. My DW will occasionally get an advertisement in the mail for car insurance which invites a rant about why they would offer her insurance if she can't drive. The car is long gone as it was given to a grand child. The lesson I learned was about following the advice I read here. I have done that and followed many  suggestions. I have prepared for the next steps in our lives using all the resources I can find. I have a legal and emotional support team that I access when needed. I check in here daily which helps me stay emotionally and mentally prepared to handle the day. Its not necessarily a neat packaged system but more of a frantic unorganized system of trial and error. But it has sustained me for five years , a day at a time. My DW has anosognosia so adds to my challenge of knowing what I am seeing as I need sources other than my DW for confirmation.