Fell and hit his head

riajean

  Reeling today as I got a call from the MC community saying my husband was up all night - going on for some time I guess- and this morning when up, someone was trying to get him to lunch as he'd slept almost all morning, thank goodness, and he got up, a bit dazed, and fell, hitting his head on a dresser.   I was told he was being taken by ambulance to the local ER for evaluation, in case he was bleeding internally.    Ok.  I panicked. 

I was also told in that conversation that the slip on shoes he was wearing may have caused his fall as he seemed to stand on an angle, his foot on the corner of the shoe causing him to fall.  Of course I was upset as I'd just gotten those summer slip on sandals for him.

So, at work, I left around 1 pm and got back home around 7:30 - a very long and harrowing day, wondering all the way up -more than 1.5 hours driving - if he was bleeding to death or what. 

When I arrived at the ER, waiting my turn to go see my husband, walking in he recognized me and became agitated, trying to get up, so the nurses and me tried to calm him and get him to relax.  He was trying to tell them who I was without the words, of course.  Anyway, he's OK. He's fine.  Nothing broken, nothing bleeding, thank you God.

Then the real horrors of the day presented themselves.  In order for him to be transported back to the MC community, we'd probably wait 2 hours. Not willing to do that, I wondered if I could really handle him in the car and said I'd try it but need help. They were willing.  15 minutes to get him to understand how to get into the front seat of my car, somewhere he hasn't  been in almost 9 months.  He finally got in and with that same half dazed smile, allowed me to drive him back to the MC.

I was so terrified to have him in the car as when he was originally brought to MC - late last August, he knew how to get in/out of the car.  That is now gone.

Calling the MC community ahead of time, I told them I'd be driving him but needed assistance to get him out of the car, back into the community, and the nursing staff called them too. So, OK, that worked out.

Then, inside, I met with the head nurse who had the balls to tell me that I'd blamed her staff for his falling and that was unacceptable.  Now I was again trembling asking What the F?!  I mean I would NEVER do that and did not do that, but was upset that maybe the shoes I'd got him caused his spill.  So, upset, and reacting to the accusation, the head nurse then chastised me saying I was speaking wrongly to her and that my words were inappropriate and she would be walking away from me.

Oh my God Almighty, what the hell is up with this crap?!#@)

Here it is almost 10:30 at night and I'm still reeling from my emotions about this very long, intensive day. 

The head nurse then, after accusing me of something I wouldn't do, said I "arrived angry all the time", to which I was again aghast saying, Wha?!I don't arrive angry.  I may be tired.  I may be questioning the whereabouts of my husband, straining, with a possible furrowed brow, to hear through an "F'n"mask what was being said to me, but angry?????? No!

So, I insisted on speaking with the Director who for the first time seemed to be looking at me like I was a crazed lunatic, explaining what happened and what is going on?  She listened, but I felt like a criminal.

Really?  After the day I had?  Where was their compassion toward me?  Accusatory, disiplinarians like I was the bad guy, weepy little girls who cannot understand and misunderstand someone trying to understand or hear correctly? Was there a weeping willow conference I didn't know about?

I had to go buy him new shoes.  His slip ons were missing from his room.  The summer slip ons were missing from the hospital, so he had nothing but one sandal, so I left MC, went to the store and got new sandals, ones I was told were good for him and returned to put them on and put his name on them too.

I'm sorry, but I feel like a criminal but have done nothing wrong.  I am emotional, who wouldn't be when they are told their husband might be bleeding inside after a fall?  OMG, I don't see any empathy here from the MC community and for the first time in 9 months, feel like an unwanted visitor.

How is any of this fair?  Best part is my husband has NO clue about any of this, but HE is my reason for being alive.  HE is my life.  HE is the reason I live and breathe.  Is there NO empathy left?

I'm still crying, feeling like a lowlife and can't understand because I've never done what I'm being accused of.  What is going on?!

Ed1937

Riajean, I'm so sorry. Maybe talk to the administrator, and let them see this thread?

David J

Riajean, 

I like Ed’s idea!  I think there is a communications problem that needs to be corrected, and having a written narrative may help them understand. 

Dave

Sligo177

Riajean, I am sorry, that sounds like a terrible day.  I agree with showing the chain of events to the administrator.  This needs to get straightened out.  You do deserve compassion and understanding.  I hope tomorrow brings more peace to you, and rest.

Magenta Sunrise

I went through something similar with the assisted living facility my step-dad was in when he fell.  I found out it is all about liability.  The MC facility is afraid you will sue them for allowing him to fall, so they want to establish right at the start that his falling was all your fault and no fault on their part.  Now that he is a fall risk, they view you as a danger ... you may sue them.  That's all it is, and you have done nothing wrong.  They have to shift the blame to you in order to protect themselves from liability.  I also found out that after he goes to the hospital following a fall, they don't have to allow him to return.  If they believe he may be too big a liability risk for them, they may not allow him to return.  And their reason?  They have to blame it on something, so they will say it is because you are hostile and a threat to their staff.  Your fault again ... not theirs.  Just a heads-up that it could happen.

riajean

Oh my God Magenta, really?!  What happened to compassion?  Falling is part of dementia and old age so they're looking out for No. 1 and not my poor, DH?  This saddens me to my core.  What you're saying feels like they're building a case against me so we have to move or something?

Thank you everyone, and I did let the Director know this yesterday, through tears.  Didn't seem like she was on my side for the first time ever.  Very scary here.  Who can be trusted? 

JoseyWales

Wow. Of course you would have been upset, but what in the world made them think you were taking it out on them? I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that. 

Please keep us updated on what continues to happen. And hopefully your husband has no lingering effects from the fall.

dayn2nite2

I'm not saying any of it is fair, but you need to somehow learn to control emotions when you are speaking to the staff OR not speak to the staff until you are calm.

The reason?

Facilities are begging for people to work, so if the staff (the aides) feel they are being verbally assaulted, they will complain to their superior (the nursing staff), then you will hear it.  Which is also why the director didn't give you any satisfaction because that person needs their staff not to be upset and quit.

Again, not fair but it is the way things are now.  At this time, they are not doing "emotional" in any way, so if you are feeling emotional, best to not communicate with the staff until you are calmer.

If you end up looking for another facility, make it a point to describe this experience and how you feel and see what the reaction is at the prospective facility.

Marie58

I'm so sorry all of this happened; the fall, your worry and stress, their reaction, all of it.

I had 2 thoughts while reading your post.

1. My DH's MC facility allows residents to wear non-skid socks instead of shoes. I switched when I thought my DH's slip-on shoes might cause falls. You might ask about that.

2. When I've had issues I'd talk to the director of the facility. Fortunately they were small issues in comparison to yours, and she was always compassionate and we found solutions. I had one big issue and I didn't bring it up until I was calm. I wrote down my thoughts for days and then compose an email. That way it was in writing. She responded and we had an in-person meeting. I took notes and then responded to the email with my take aways, so again it was in writing. 

Hope you get everything worked out and I'm so glad DH is OK. Blessings to you both.

riajean

Hello everyone.

An update.  Speaking via email with my sister, she relayed something she went through many years ago which is similar and she was very helpful in helping me calm down and write a 'quieter' letter to the Director, however, I did ask for an apology.  I wanted it from the Head nurse, not the Director because it was she who accused me wrongfully.  I mentioned that I was not informed my husband's shoes were wrong, so I thought he had what he needed.  I was also never told the socks protocol which I learned when the Director responded and THANK YOU for the suggestion of the non-skid socks.  My husband always wore shoes, but lately he doesn't seem to care one way or the other, so maybe this will help and I appreciate the suggestion!

It seems to me WE are always at fault now in this new "barbie doll" world where plastic smiles and hiding emotions - even in life/death situations - is now the standard and demanded practice.  Not my personal problem if the facility cannot find staff. I never treat anyone badly - not my nature - but if I have a question and it needs an answer, I will ask. 

I found out from the Director that immediately after the nurse called me to inform me of my husband's fall, she went into the Director relaying that I'd asked why my husband would be wearing socks when it was 90 degrees.  I guess that was enough for the head nurse to cite me for "blaming the facility".  To me, in the real world, it's ridiculous.  All of this new behavior is ridiculous.  I've never been good at lying, pretending or faking anything.  I'm a real person, but I do know very well how to be tactful and respectful......but, when my husband is in trouble, someone is sick, hurt, dying, well.........pardon me, but I do get emotional about those things.  Seems to me I'm PAYING for some sort of arm across my shoulder at these times.  If I have to be plastic when inside I'm exploding for fear of hurting someone else's feelings, I'm going to have a heart attack.

This world is nuts.  Everything is upside down and backwards and I simply cannot be a part of the barbie doll world.  I do understand managing emotions but so should the head nurse and others who -without thought or concern for another - only their own chips on their shoulders - choose the very worse time in the world to accuse another of doing something they didn't do.  There must be some recompense for that.  I mean.....really?  Another time, when things had calmed down would have been more respectful and perhaps more manageable.  I would have still been shocked as most are when they are wrongfully accused.

So, I've decided to do what I usually do when I'm faced with an out of control, unreasonable and stupid situation....I get sarcastic.  I'll look for a mask with a really big smiley face on it and just waved like the idiot they want me to be.  If I'm approached, I'll simply say in the highest pitched voice I can, "sorry, can't talk now".  And if someone has to tell me something, they can leave a detailed voice message so I can listen to it in private and react privately or they can put it in writing.

Sounds like a plan to me.  I can play the game.  Now that I know the game has reached MC.  Sad.  Just ridiculously sad.

dayn2nite2

Sarcastic isn't going to work either.

If an apology is the hill you're picking to die on, then I'd get looking for another facility for your spouse, because that plus the sarcasm will get all of them looking for reasons why their facility might not be "suitable" for him anymore and he will be asked to leave, but really it will be their difficulty dealing with you that will be why.

Tread carefully.  And if you think that losing the revenue you're providing to the facility is going to scare them, they will merely get another patient to take his place, someone with loved ones who are not sarcastic or difficult.

Not fair, but they hold the cards.  You can decide the course from here.  I do not have any reason to give this advice other than seeing the "real" game being played and the patient and loved ones hardly ever win.  When a family does get what they think is a win, it usually means the staff will do the bare minimum for your LO because they don't want to deal with questions or discussion with the family, and that is a loss for the LO.

jfkoc

All of this is regretful but the reality you face is getting good care for your husband. If he is not getting good care then move him. If he is then instead of a mask I would buy an offering for the nurses and offer an apology.

Do you want to do this? No, but you have to remember what the goal is and you want to be the winner. You do not want to do anything that detracts from your husband's care. I know this is not easy...I have been in your situation.

Regarding the socks....it is not 90 degrees in the facility and often older people have cold feet and since it is probably comfortably cool in the facility I would get some lace up shoes. They will give  him better balance.

You will always find support here which is especially helpful when the world is "nasty".

riajean

Of course you do not know me but I was being faceitious about being sarcastic.  Just hurt. And nobody cares that I'm hurting.

YES, of course, my ONLY desire is the best care for my husband but I will not be treated unfairly either, by the staff, by the facility, I will not and should not (who made that OK? when nothing else in this world is Ok?) be accused of doing something without an incident report or other.  Just not right.  Not right. 

This morning has been another all out war with my poor husband who came out of his room around 5:30 AM, throwing over furniture, ripping down draperies, yelling at everyone, refusing medicine, swinging at EMTs.  Two officers had to restrain him and bring him back to the hospital where they have found nothing wrong with him.

The MC facility told me they don't want him to return.  I've been on the phone with the ALZ Association, the hospital, the MC facility and a newly found geriatric manager.  END result is that my husband is, of course, now calm, but the hospital won't send him to the behavioral hospital the MC facility wants him to go to, so they have to take him back.  Now its MORE meds so he sleeps all night which he doesn't.  He's in perpetual motion, always walking, never sitting for long, pacing all night. 

If it happens again, the MC facility MUST send him to the hospital with the behavorial unit and then he may have to be put in a higher skilled care place.  So, another "fun" morning in our lives.

I was even asked if he was in the process of end of life as this frequently happens and such a question, I almost threw up because NO doctor on the face of the planet will even touch that question.  How the hell am I supposed to figure that out?!

Can't tell you how much I'd like this never ending saga to be over - for my husband's sake and selfishly mine.  Almost 8 years of hell.

Gig Harbor

Hopefully his medication will be changer or increased  allowing him to sleep and be calmer when awake. I think that the suggestion of not talking to staff until you calm down is a good one. As a nurse for 44 years and as a spouse who just placed her husband in memory care I see both sides. When a family member would come in and yell at me and often swear at me I would back away. I would never respond to them in the same way and I often said that we would talk a little later. I understand that fear can make us respond like that but it serves nothing. It sounds like they did not approach the slippers in the right was and that started things off on the wrong path. We can yell and scream inside but not at some other person. I have no idea how I will respond when I am confronted with the situation that you are in. I hope things work out for you and that a way can be found to keep him quieter and less anxious.

dayn2nite2

I forgot to add that I am “emotional” and often I find myself in a situation where I become overwhelmed and say “I can’t talk about this right now” and I have to cry or whatever elsewhere and then I am able to revisit the issue in a better frame of mind.

ImMaggieMae

riajean, I’m so sorry to hear about all that you and your husband have had to go through and the way you were treated. If his footwear was dangerous or inappropriate, they should have informed you of that ahead of time. They are responsible for his care and you are probably paying a fortune for that care. Of course you were upset after the trip to ER and the long waits and then having to drive him back in your car. Am I the only one who thinks that maybe their staff needs to brush up on their people skills? If they aren’t equipped to calm a normal upset spouse who has been through a terrifying experience with her husband, how are they handling people with dementia?

Are there other choices for MC in your area?

I hope the hospital can find medications that help him to sleep through the night. That would probably make a difference in his daytime behavior as well. It’s terrible that you have to go through all of this.

jfkoc

Maggie, I am in total agreement with you and will go one step farther and question staff training this facility has in place for careing for persons with dementia.

When selecting a facility I think that is the first thing to scrutinize. Then the contract and then the state license. 

riajean

Rough day. Gig even if I wanted to, I'd never swear at any staff member.  I might raise my voice in an effort to be heard and understood through a mask - talking louder - but that's it.  I only ask questions as is my right.  If I'm accused of something I'm not doing simply due to my trying to be acknowledged, again, this is wrong in my book.   And may I reiterate that I was not upset after the whole hospital thing, it was only when accused of blaming MC for his fall and the wrong shoes did I become upset (makes sense to me). And to add to that, was accused of "arriving angry on each visit" which is a total, and blatant lie.  There's no reason to arrive angry and I've never done that....actually have very little to NO interaction with staff when I'm there.  I'm just spending time with my guy, rubbing his back, listening to music, bringing him treats.  How they arrived at that and then had the nerve to accuse me is just a mystery, especially on a day that was already difficult.

THANK YOU Maggie May (my cat's name for your concern.  Today was the worst day in a long time, calling almost 12 facilities, hospitals all over my area only to find these repetitive points:

1.  My husband would have to be evaluated by a psychiatrist before he would be able to go to a behavioral unit in a hospital or nursing home.  Not good as he cannot communicate.  And he's not mentally unsound, he's sick.

2.  Many places were short on staff, so he could not be considered for residency.

3.  One hospital in particular had no available beds and were in a 'code red' situation -the one our MC facility wanted him to be sent to.

4.  Connecting with a Gerontologist was almost a gold nugget, as she knew the director of our MC facility and could calmly tell me the meds the facility was willing to try and why my husband might be reacting as he is - literally very uncomfortable due to no rest.  That I can understand vs. "we're all afraid of him", "don't know what to do with him", "have to keep the other residents on lockdown for their safety". I've written her asking if I can hire her as my liaison to guide me through these difficult days.

Yes, of course, I care about the other residents, but the MC facility shouldn't be reacting out of fear. 

The MC facility hesitantly agreed to have my husband return after the hospital he was at spoke to me and to the director for 15 minutes or so, asking her what her plan was because there was no medical reason to hold my husband and I couldn't take him home.

I'm exhausted wondering where this goes now.   I told the director I'd looked up the medicine they plan to try along with melatonin and said it takes a full 6 weeks to be beneficial and was she willing to allow my husband to remain there for that time?  She didn't give a direct answer only a day by day we'll see.

This is just so sad.  So heartbreakingly sad. 

ImMaggieMae

riajean, who makes the decisions on medications? Does the MC have their own doctor? Does your husband have his own neurologist or a Geri psychiatric doctor who could maybe step in?There are medications that start working fairly quickly. 6 weeks sounds like a long time. Maybe there are other choices? 

How is he doing today? How are you doing?

riajean

Hi Maggie, My husband's doctor is 1.5 hours away - VA.  Trying to reconnect with the neurologist we saw a few years ago close to where MC is.  There is only a PA that comes weekly for the residents.  SHE, with her doctors/supervisors permission makes medicinal decisions.  The Gerontologist I finally found agreed with that particular medication, so I said OK. 

My husband actually slept through the night for the first time in a long time --- probably because they didn't bother to wake him hourly to use the bathroom.  Honestly, you'd think they would have thought of that earlier.  Who can really rest when you are awakened often through the night.  Though he has pull ups for daytime, I ordered overnight pull ups to be sent directly there.  Why didn't I or someone think of this before?  I'm so agreeable thinking they know what they're doing, though I do question, obviously.  I'd forgotten the staff did that.

As far as me, I didn't get up till 9 this morning, no appointments, so that was a relief and actually felt really good.  I was easy on me today, feeling a great need to recover from yesterday's hell.  Just very happy my husband was better today, that the MC facility took him back and are trying to be the support he needs.

Thank you for asking.