Hoarding and moving

Ralenie

Hi! I am new to this thing. My boyfriend and I moved in his grandma, 92, last year. I see her progressively getting worst with memory issues, taking showers, changing clothes, and hoarding. We are suppose to be moving and her room is cluttered with trash and clothes etc. We already got rid of somethings during the initial move but she is still holding onto a lot of things. I don't have help as my boyfriend works a lot so I am trying to figure how I can help her get rid of things so we don't end up taking a lot of trash with us during the move. She is very stubborn and not just due to the dementia. She argues a lot and I try to just brush off what she says as I know arguing is not going to help. Does anyone have suggestions as to what I can do? Any resources as I am sure this is going to get progressively worst and she does not have any family other than my boyfriend and I. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and we honestly don't want her to either because we believe it will be better for her to be with us for emotional and comfort support.

Fairyland

A suggestion.

 I would just agree with her as much as possible, but say things have to be put in storage “temporarily”. Then help her pack and do that, have it taken away and put in storage. Label boxes well and then store them and move, let her settle in the new place and keep diverting her with excuses if she wants the stuff back.  If there are particular items she actually remembers repeatedly, maybe get those out for her (do not let her see ALL the stuff, in storage, ever). Eventually she may forget most of it, then you can stop paying the storage fee. 

If there is too much to store, quietly mark and divert some of the junk boxes to the dump.

I finally told my mom she could keep the whole houseful of stuff, after years of her refusing to move because of all the stuff, and insisted she had to move to AL “for a while” (forever, but didn’t tell her that). Now she’s out of the house a couple months, she doesn’t remember specific items, plus has just deteriorated health wise so actually she is not thinking about that stuff.. So I intend to clear the house soon, I will just store a few treasures but the rest will go in an estate sale. Then I will rent out the house to help pay for her fees.

Mean maybe, realistic for sure.

BassetHoundAnn

Hello, Ralenie! Welcome to the club no one wants to be a part of! 

If your grandma is suffering dementia she is probably losing memories of what belongings are hers. When my mom reached 92 she clearly lost the ability to recognize that many items in her own house belonged to her. In the course of moving her to assisted living we moved many boxes of her supposedly beloved treasures from her house to our house but it soon became apparent that she no longer recognized most of those things as her possessions. It was a wasted effort of time and money.  

Here's what you should do: when your grandma is not in her room clean out all the trash and the most recently acquired hoarded items. When she returns to the room she probably won't realize that they are gone or even remember them. If she does distract her with a fib about having sent things out to be cleaned or repaired, then divert her attention to something else. 

Talk to your grandma about her possessions. Try to determine which items hold memories and significance for her, and put those items in the save pile. There were a couple items of my mom's that I was about to toss out, but when I asked her about them I discovered that they held rich stories and memories. I now work with those. I moved them with her to memory care and whenever I or the staff want to get her talking or reminiscing we ask her about those things. She doesn't always remember that they are hers, but sometimes she does and talks animatedly about them. 

As my mom's dementia progressed I rather ruthlessly tossed out many things, cleaning out her room and closets. She never missed anything, and right now she's at the stage where she doesn't recognize her own clothing or most of her possessions. So don't sweat it when you toss things out because your grandma is probably not going to miss them. You're moving and your first priority should be to make the move as easy as possible for you and everyone else in the household. It's really tough to do this, it's as if you're dismantling your grandma's life and stripping her of things that might make her happy, but don't think of it that way. You're making her room safer for her, you're doing what you need to do to take care of her and keep her safe. Good luck!

harshedbuzz

Ralenie-

I moved my dad a few times during his dementia. While he wasn't a hoarder by definition, he was acquisitive and owned 2 homes which meant downsizing from 4000 sqft to about 1700. I also helped my aunt clear out my other aunt's compound when it was time for memory care. Auntie made my dad look like an amateur in terms of collecting stuff; as her dementia progressed in widowhood she did trend into hoarding plus she had a large house, a 4-bay garage, a freestanding workshop, a couple cottages, a shed and a boathouse in which to store it all.

The single best thing you can do is to move the PWD into the new setting and deal with the mess left behind after even if it means an extra month of rent for clean out and a short hotel stay while family/hired hands do the move. 

Dad was very suspicious about me stealing his things, so I told him they were all in storage. For a short time that was sort of true, so I took a picture which I could show him when he got ramped up. 

HB