How do you handle their worries about money?

Quilting brings calm

For those of you whose loved one is in private pay independent, assisted or memory care: how do you handle your loved one when they ask you if their money will hold out?  My mom was always the person who handled the money in her marriage for 55 years.  Now she can’t.   I’m trying to handle that function. - with my hand tied behind my back because of my step dads actions.  Anyway, my step dads actions are not what I want to talk about today. Other than to say that he cannot be the one to handle the money. 

Their income is less than their outgo, so they are using their savings.  When we put them in assisted living in November 2019, I really did not think they would outlive  their money.  Their relationship issues caused them to be moved to a two bedroom unit during the covid restrictions, which costs more. Moving them back to a one bedroom  won’t save much because  the rental contracts have changed.  They would be moved under the new contract which raise the second person fee $500 a month 

Every time they go to the store for their groceries and incidentals, my mom calls me and asks if they spent too much and do they have  enough money. She’s still in our reality at a stage 4 but she’s extremely anxious and obsessive.  I try to explain that the groceries and incidentals are not where their money is going, and that as long as they are not wasting food, it’s ok.  Then she will ask how long their money  will last.  Some times  I tell her, sometimes I don’t. I always point out that they are in the level of care they need, and that they can’t live in any less level of care.  Which she  knows. Even if my step-dad thinks they can.  She knows her limitations, he doesn’t know his.  

Truthfully I figured one or both of them would be gone by now.  He’s 82 with a multitude  of conditions that will ultimately kill him.  But don’t seem to get progressing  as quickly as expected.  She’s 84 and although not on a lot of medication,  is frail and has used a walker since Nov 2019.  One severe fall could change everything. I also didn’t know back then how long this dementia thing could last before a nursing home level would be needed.  

There’s not really anything I can do about the situation other than to hope at least one is gone in the next 2-3 years.   Or that he gets told to stop driving, actually does and  then the cars can get sold and added to the pot. one sure thing - they aren’t coming to my house  

So anyway- how do you respond to questions from your loved one about money? 

zauberflote

Quilting, you are in a tough situation, as if I have to tell you that lol. What worked for us won't for you. Mom ran her own finances well for 20 years as a widow, partly bc my dad had set things up for her and, as she said, she'd have to die by 85. I expect my brother helped her with major decisions. 

Once she was at the point of being worried if she had enough (child of the Depression), it was sufficient to tell her "Brother is taking care of everything, you have plenty of money, and of course I'll let you pay for lunch!" For her, that was all it took. Is your mom far enough along that you can simply reassure, instead of  mentioning not wasting food? Or won't that cut it yet?

Oddly, and fortunately, Mom died three or four months before her money would really have run out. 

Edit: PS! She got such good financial advice somewhere along the line that she was able to stick around seven years beyond her 85th birthday!

RobinNicole

Hi 

I agree with zauberflote.  Fiblet are the route to go.  My moms greatest fear most of my adult life is she would become a burden and wanting to be financially independent.  (my dad died when I was 19).   When she was placed three months ago I told her everything was paid for from homeowner insurance ( we had house emergency) and since then I tell her insurance covers everything.  She asks less often and is less anxious about it over the last three months but she asks very lucid questions about her bills, the balance etc   I believe her ease with my answers is due the fact she is settled in and comfortable which helps reduce anxiety.  I keep the story consistent and when I answer I pivot to another topic right after.  It doesn’t serve her well to be worried or anxious so my motto is “fiblet then pivot”.   

Quilting brings calm

Ironically, my comment about not wasting food was meant to reassure her.  Basically I was telling her that as long as they were eating up what they bought, then they didn’t need to worry about what they spent  on groceries.  Her reply was that they hadn’t had to throw out anything and my response was you are doing ok then.

Sometimes  I can just give a vague answer and redirect.  Other times she is like a dog with a bone  wanting specific numbers.  Then there are times like this: My step dad changed the address at the bank to the assisted living center ( statements had been coming to my place) and she didn’t have a clue what the statement meant when the statement arrived there. I’m not very happy with him about that change of address. He did it for spite when I asked him to call there and order new checks for the account that only has his name on it. I can’t change it back since my name is not on the account .  He changed the address on both accounts including the one I am on. He moved money from their joint account into an account in his own name  in Oct  2019. He doesn’t understand why it’s needed to pay the bills, and thinks I’m stealing it because the balance is going down as I have him sign checks for their bills. He has probably  moved the money again now that he’s gotten checks at their address.  I’m working on getting him diagnosed for all the good it will do me.  

They have no investments.  All their money was in two joint checking accounts until he cleaned out the one they used in their daily life.  The other one held the proceeds from the sale of their house when they moved into a camper full time. It wasn’t a big house. 

ColetteMomko

My mom constantly worries about money and we haven't even started yet. She moves into AL this month. 

We hired a financial advisor that does projections around her assets and how long they will last. Mom will turn 82 in August but her family has really long life spans. Her mother lived to 102. She still is able bodied and is on no medications (she refused Alzheimer meds suggested to her).

Whenever she starts worrying about money we just tell her we hired a financial advisor and that she has her eye on it. The fact that she has a credentialed person keeping an eye out seems to quell her at times. I also took over all her finances and told her I'm keeping an eye out as well. 

If her care goes up and and she's in memory care we know it will burn through what she has fast so we are proactively trying to find a spend down facility to move her to when it's time. Unfortunately so few of those left. 

Stuck in the middle

Collette, I'm not trying to be harsh, but just in case no one has told you - Alzheimer's is a progressive, fatal disease.  Regardless of her health otherwise and her family history of longevity, it is very improbable that your LO will live another ten or 20 years.

You have mentioned elsewhere that you are far from your LO.  I think in your shoes I would try to get her to move to an AL facility near me or one of my siblings, one that also has a MC component.  I don't know where any of you are, but a State with halfway decent Medicaid coverage would be better.