Problem with siblings

Mtravel

Hello, I have two siblings, brother and sister, that are hard to deal with. They don't understand our mother's dementia and they come and pick her up with out any communication with me. Its unsettling since she may fall or have some kind of incident. I tried texting them to set boundaries but there is no reply. They are not professionals and are not in healthcare. She does live with us and her memory is getting worse every day. They live alone and don't seem to have a clue what we are going thru taking care of her nor will listen to anything we say. 

Obviously, we are a dysfunctional family but any suggestions as to how we should handle the lack of communication or respect? Any strategies that worked for any one? Thank you in advance. 

crazy4horses

I am in a similar situation: dysfunctional family and brother who does nothing and lives 2 1/2 hours away with no clue of how bad our mother's cognitive decline is. My mother doesn't live with me though. However, my father also does nothing even though he realizes my mother is having cognitive difficulty. He won't even help her with her medication. I tried to speak to my brother and father and have gotten to the point that I need to accept that I can't "make" them do anything. My counselor would tell me the same thing It is very difficult for me as a type A person who is a "get things done" or "do-er" person to try to let it go, but I am working on it. Try not to let it stress you out (I know, easier said than done and I too have a hard time with it). It is slowly getting easier for me to back away and know that I can't make them do anything. 

I don't know if hearing similar stories help but last Nov I got my mother out to visit my brother and he let her sleep in a taller bed with a step stool near by...she has a history of falls, back and knee problems, vertigo, etc.....she of course fell! My brother and my mother were going to try to keep it a secret from me until after my mom's return her back hurt so bad I had to take her to urgent care to see if she broke any ribs; that's how I found out about the fall. 

I feel for ya!

Mtravel

Thank you for sharing your story. It does feel good to hear others are dealing with the same issues. It's such a shame that we all can't get along. Best of luck to you. Thanks for responding.

FloydSnax

Maybe they know exactly what the job entails. I have a friend that went through this thing, and she told me horror stories about her siblings that I couldn't believe. I thought, when I need help, I'm sure my family will step up. Then it happened. I watch my mom 2/47. 365 days and feel like a prisoner without committing a crime... So, I finally reached out and made a schedule and everything for the three of them to take mom for one weekend a month. I was shocked when they declined! Of course! Why would they want to deal with what I deal with all the time! It has affected the way I look at them and this very small family. Their excuses weren't even valid. So, unfortunately, we are in this fight on our own. Don't expect too much from siblings.

GothicGremlin

Everyone in this thread -- I'm so sorry - for all of us.  I'm in the same place as all of you, and in my experience FloydSnax is right (unfortunately).

In my case, it's my incredibly self-centered brother. The world revolves around him, and only him. The last time he helped out with our sister was in June, 2021. He calls Peggy every once in awhile, but the last time he saw her was on her birthday last September. 

I have a cousin who helps out when I need her, but mostly I rely on Peggy's three close friends. One of them sees her every other day (Peggy's in memory care now), one of them lives far away but she calls almost every day. The last one calls at least once a week, and since she can't drive anymore (health issues), I bring her to see Peggy when she's well enough to travel.  They're all angels in my opinion.

And that's how I cope. Peggy's friends are my team. Well, Peggy's friends and my s.o. who is my rock. We work together to make things as good for Peggy as we can. We make sure one of us sees Peggy most days, and we keep each other in the loop.

I wish things were different with my brother, and that he could be part of the team, but he's MIA, and for my own sanity and well-being I finally had to just let it go.  Once I accepted that this is how things are, my stress level went way down. 

So I guess that's my long-winded advice -- find your team, even if it's only one other person, and let the rest go.

ctl

I am new to this, my mom, my husband and I moved my dad into memory care portion of their assisted living facility June 15. I'm glad I found this website, it makes me feel better knowing others have similar feelings about their brothers and sisters. I have a full time job, live 40 minutes away from my parents and have been down to see them every week for a month getting them settled. I email my bro's and sisters weekly sometimes daily about what is going on (one lives out west and two live at least 4 hours away and one brother lives in the same town as my parents but can't be bothered to visit regularly) and it seems to take forever for them to email me back. I am still waiting on a reply to an email I sent last week, it makes me feel like I am the only one in my family that gets the severity of it all. I even think my mom is second guessing herself on placing dad in memory care. I makes me sad, mad and frustrated. I know it is the best thing for my dad and my mom, but is it too much to ask to get a simple reply from my brothers and sisters? Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant.

dayn2nite2

Stop updating the unconcerned.  I did that too with my mother’s siblings and one of them had the nerve to say that the updates “depressed” her!

I wrote back and said “depressed like changing your mom’s diapers depressed?”  She of course never took care of her mother.  I lit into her and told her she didn’t have to worry about my depressing emails and I’d let her know when my mom was dead as a courtesy.

And I did just that.

The only person who visited my mom in the NH other than family was a former co-worker of my mom’s, whose sister also had dementia.  Out of all her so-called friends, this one sweet lady who would call ME to ask how I was doing.

GothicGremlin

cti - I'm so sorry. I know how you feel - a feeling of disbelief. How can they not respond? Maybe it's too painful for them, or maybe they don't know what to say or do. And like I said in an earlier post, when I was confronted with a similar situation with my brother, I had to just move on.  Maybe they'll step up in time, but maybe they won't.

dayn2nite2 - I'm so glad you had "that one sweet lady". One of my sister's friends is like that too. She calls my sister almost every day, and then the two of us debrief. Periodically she checks in on me to see how I'm doing with everything. This morning was one of those days. 

*Ollie*

I have a brother and sister as well and they way they are dealing with my mom is interesting and frustrating for me.   My mom lives with me and my sister helps out by managing her money and pays for all things related to my mom.    She used to live closer to my mom and was the primary one helping her so she has a clue as to how things are.  My brother does little beyond texting my mom and asking her if she has any "fun plans for the weekend".   He has no clue how impacted my mom is at this time and his whimsical questions are so off mark.   My mom loves hearing from him, which is nice for her, but all he does is text aa few times a week and she thinks he is the bees knees.  Somehow, she gets that he is too busy for anything more but the fact that I also work and have a family doesn't compute.   It's just hard.

May flowers

Just chiming in, we can relate here. One sibling lives far and has seen my LO twice in four years for a short time, and almost never asks about him, the other lives four hours away. Offers to help but then is often unavailable when we ask. That sibling always seems so busy but we find out later they have taken this trip and that trip - must be nice! They even have taken trips across the country for weeks at a time, and we can’t get a weekend away.

It’s frustrating, but into our fifth year of caring for my FIL (at home except 9 months in a facility), we have come to just accept that this is the way it is. 

dayn2nite2

GothicGremlin wrote:

dayn2nite2 - I'm so glad you had "that one sweet lady". One of my sister's friends is like that too. She calls my sister almost every day, and then the two of us debrief. Periodically she checks in on me to see how I'm doing with everything. This morning was one of those days.   

I'm glad you have your "one sweet lady" too.  Seriously, it just baffled me to see that the people I was counting on to be there for her (maybe a visit a month or every 2 months) evaporated and this one co-worker to whom my mom wasn't even that close to stepped right up, but of course she had real-life experience with this disease and the loneliness the caregiver has.

ctl

Thank you all so much! I cried when I read all your replies and I am crying as I write this, but it is a good kind of release. Again thank you for understanding.

caregiving daughter

It's in your mom's best interest to see all her children. However, this needs to be weighed against the potential harm that could come as a result of visits and/or outings. I would suggest putting some guidelines around visits. For example, they may need to be in the mornings when your loved one is more energetic and peaceful. Combining a visit with sundowning could cause distress for someone with dementia. A visit beyond x number of hours could cause distress as the loss of routine may trigger panic. I would do some research and come up with general guidelines. Don't make a big deal of it. You want to keep whatever peace exists in the family as is. If it is not possible to keep within the scope of what you consider safe guidelines, I would suggest you involve a social worker or care manager to facilitate the discussion. Pull yourself out of the middle and make them be the bad guy. In all fairness, siblings do not see the distress that can be caused. Even a morning, short visit, without any physical obstacles/dangers can cause anxiety for a couple days. Your sibling is gone before any of this happens. It's not their fault as they aren't there to see the after effects. What, I believe, is their fault is a lack of consideration toward you when you explain the negatives. They are adults. If they choose to ignore the situation as well as your guidance, they are not exhibiting adult behaviors. Again, if there's sibling rivalry and you say the sky is blue and they say it's green because they will never agree with you, find a professional to relay the information. Again, it's in your mom's best interest to have relationships with all her children. There could be a point where it is not wise; however, you want to try whatever you can to keep the relationships in place.