Music Will Not Let You Down

Bill_2001

Family disappoints you, friends abandon you, church lets you down, Uncle Sam doesn’t help, and the medical community leaves a lot to be desired.

Basically, every single support system I had counted on has let me down in one way or another. Caring for my wife with dementia is something no one wants to help with. People mean well, and they were there in the beginning stages. But as this disease progresses and takes its sweet time stealing away my wife’s brain, I suppose most people have simply tired of the situation. I do not have the luxury of walking away, and the cruel irony of it is that the later stages are far more difficult. I need much more support now than ever, and there is none to be found.

Now let me talk about music. Music has never let me down. It brings me up when I am down and keeps my dear wife happy for hours on end. I have acquired quite a collection over the decades: Records, CDs, MP3s, you name it. Not to mention all the music available on streaming services, YouTube, and even on the good ol’ radio. Even if they are not making “good” music as much these days, my vast collection is just sitting there, waiting to help me and my dear wife through another day.

As I look through my collection of CDs, lots of good memories begin pouring in. When I begin playing one, my wife’s brain is activated in a way that nothing else can touch. I do not know if she is actually remembering a memory, but she sure knows every word to every song on this album! She is happily singing along, looking at pictures in a magazine at the same time. This is definitely a win!

Eating dinner, taking her medications, and even using the bathroom seems to go easier when music is playing. And I play it moderately loud – about the same volume as you would play a big-budget Hollywood movie. Not Metallica loud, but I must turn it down if the telephone rings!

I have been doing this for a while now. We have “music nights” when I will play 3 or 4 albums (or CDs) in their entirety, one after another. As I write this while looking at CD covers, I realize that music has not let me down in life, ever. Some of these records and CDs have been with me since I was a teenager, and many of them have been with my wife and I since we first married. They are truly the soundtrack of our lives.

It helps if music was an important part of your lives before your loved one had dementia. I am blessed that my wife and I have always had music around, and regularly brought a new record or CD home to play (even if it was ‘old’ by then LOL). My dear wife is truly happy when the music is playing. Even if I don’t feel like it, I do it anyway. I am always amazed at how it lifts my spirits, and before long, I have played 3 or 4 albums back to back.

Music also brings your home to life like nothing else does. If you are like me, it is too easy to just park your loved one in front of the TV and go from one chore to the next. After several hours of this, the house just feels so depressing. Nothing wrong with TV – but I just have to change it up a bit. So I turn on a few more lights than usual (or let the sun in), and start playing music. The thick “dementia atmosphere” seems to lift and the house just feels more lively. We usually have music time in the evening, but on weekends I sometimes will have two music sessions – one in the late morning and another in the evening.  It has made a world of difference.

Songs will play that evoke strong emotions, mostly for you, the caregiver. Some will make you sad (in a good way), some will make you happy, and some will remind you of past struggles that you managed to overcome. Music has been the one thing in my life that has been consistent, and it has never let me down. The way music helps people with dementia is amazing. I believe that music activates a different area of the brain, an area that seems mostly spared from the horrors of dementia.

There is no way that I can possibly know how my dear wife with dementia feels from moment to moment. Is she scared? Does she know me right now? Does she remember her mom right now? I am an exhausted caregiver, but I cannot imagine the horror of having dementia. None of us really knows how it feels to live inside the mind of the dementia sufferer. Can you even begin to imagine how your loved one feels? We can only guess.

Music seems to provide an avenue to true joy for my dear wife, moments when she is not confused, angry, or scared. At the same time, it brings our home to life, and gives me moments of peace and joy as well. Looking through my album covers, I find myself being extremely grateful to all of these artists that have provided such profound joy to me and my wife over the years. Each and every one of these albums and CDs captured a precious memory, a moment in time when my wife and I were truly happy. The sounds of these songs playing brings it right back to me and seems to also bring it back for my dear wife.

Discover the joy of music! Bring your home to life, give your mood a boost, and perhaps provide the only moments of clarity and peace for your loved one. Music may just give them a break from their own tortured brain, if only for a while.

Here is a link to an interesting article published in Practical Neurology in June 2017, about music and dementia.

https://practicalneurology.com/articles/2017-june/music-and-dementia-an-overview

Scooterr

Bill, I TOTALLY AGREE!, music has away of touching deep into the soul that no medication could every reach. It's amazing what music can do, my DW and I listen to it most of the day. GREAT POST.

Just Bill

100% agree with everything you said.

Stuck in the middle

I  love music, and dancing, too.  Got a funny story though.

A couple of days ago, I wanted something cheerful so I hit the '60s preset button on the satellite radio (Class of '64 here).  Here comes The Rolling Stones with "Mother's Little Helper" possibly the least cheerful song of all time.  Oh, well

Buggsroo

Music has always been my go to when I am upset, happy, depressed etc. I have very eclectic tastes but love French, African and Québécois music. I also have my eighties favourites, disco songs, well you get the idea. My husband doesn’t love music the way I do, in fact it irritates him. So I listen to my music on my phone and iPod. Sadly my old iPods have died, so my phone will have to do. So yes, I agree, music is a life saver.

Soul Mate

Yes, what would we do without music?

My DH has tons of CDs that can't be played because the players no longer work.  So at some point he switched to Pandora on his phone.  That's too complicated for him now but I have discovered that we can listen to tons of music of all kinds on YouTube.  We have Comcast/Xfinity for our cable company and YouTube is available as an app to play on the big screen.  Almost all of the music has a scenic view, but many of them include a nature video of some sort for both your viewing and listening pleasure.  You could be viewing a beach scene with the waves coming in, or flying over a mountain or be entertained by butterflies or birds flying around.  

According to Teepa Snow you keep your sense of rhythm until the end, so this is one activity that I'm thankful I can count on until the end.  

Bill_2001

Soul Mate,

If you have a DVD player or BluRay player, it will probably also play CDs. And YouTube is wonderful - there are many playlists that will play multiple songs. Teepa Snow is a real blessing, and what she said about music is very helpful. If our sense of rhythm lasts until the end, then music is a great tool to have in our box of tricks. We can use all of the help we can get as caregivers. There is so much hopelessness and futility in dealing with dementia. Music is certainly a bright spot for us. 

Just Bill

I was doing some meditating and breathing exercises listening to African drum music and my my wife just started dancing for a good 3 minutes. It was a great moment.

Joydean

Bill 2001, thank you for sharing about the music. So very happy for you and your dear wife. My husband and I both loved music and still love singing along and occasionally dancing (well we hold each other and sway to music). Good feeling’s!

DrinaJGB

Absolutely, Bill!

 Music has been my saving grace for my whole life, but most especially during this dementia journey these past dozen years.

  I recently purchased another turntable because our old B&O bit the dust. We have so many albums and it has been so much fun listening to vinyl again. Sometimes I just lie on the sofa and turn up the wonderful music and drift back of better days and fond memories.

I go on You Tube all the time as well and watch great performances like Janis at Monterey Pop and Hendrix.

  DH likes to hear his albums especially Steely Dan, Supertramp, Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, and some of the great jazz artists like Billie Holiday and Lester Young.

It is nothing but healing.

Carry on.

eaglemom

Yes, music it simply can reach out and touch our LO's and they feel the love. I've seen some amazing things happen when music has been played. For this reason I have YouTube Premium, Pandora and Sirus on my phone and the TV. Several of DH's favorite channels are marked or we just listen to what happens to play.

I've found not only does it calm him but my tensions are less also. To me that is a win. Thanks for sharing so others can hopefully benefit from music.

eagle

MaryG123

Another great tip from y'all!  I have pulled out the recordings that we listened to when we were first married many years ago, and are both thoroughly enjoying them.

Bill_2001

I am very happy to hear that this post has been helpful. A shout-out to Scooterr about music being able to touch deep into the soul that no medication can ever reach. That is profound!

I believe music strikes a primordial chord in people (pun intended). Certain combinations of notes and chords can produce intense emotions in most people; this is incredible, and I don't think that science has figured out why. Minor keys make people nostalgic and sad, rock and roll makes people feel like getting moving. Music has true healing properties that cannot be overstated.

Bravo DrinaJGB for buying another turntable and spinning that vinyl! Music is healing for us as caregivers as well. Reading the posts on this board has been so helpful, but it can also be hopeless and depressing. We all have the same issues, and there is no end in sight, no solution, and certainly no cure or happy ending.

We are in this for the long haul, all of us. Music can certainly help all of us pass the time without losing our own minds in the process. This journey is not going to get any easier or better any time soon. There will be more challenges, heartbreak, and losses. When all else fails, when family and friends let you down, when the system is no help, let the healing power of music into your life every day and let it help you get through it.

Music can bring a smile to your face and give your loved one some joy. It seems that while she is singing along, or humming, or simply smiling, that my dear wife is free from the internal torment of dementia. At least for a while.

There was a scene in the move The Shawshank Redemption where Andy locks himself in the warden's office and plays an opera record over the prison's PA system. Music was shown to have an immediate calming and positive effect over the inmates. (Of course, Andy got in trouble for that stunt.)

Discover the joy and the power of music!

Scooterr

Thanks again Bill, it's always good to read positive post. By the way I have to compliment you on your writing. I wish I could put my thoughts down like you, it's always profound. I do wish I still had my old vinyl records.

ImMaggieMae

Absolutely agree, Bill. We listen and sing along with Alexa most nights before we go to sleep. Sometimes songs are from a playlist and sometimes we just think of old songs that we want to hear and request them. 

A friend who has a daughter who is high functioning autistic told me her daughter was over 3 years old before she started talking, but would sing out her wants and needs at a much earlier age. Her daughter still loves music, many years later

Stuck in the middle

I met a woman whose stroke left her unable to speak, but she could sing.  Different part of the brain.

CStrope

I love music....I love dancing.  I have found that my DH will not let me put on music.  Not at home, not in the car....never.  I think the music is too much for him to process.  Most of his atrophy is on the left side of his brain, so language is a huge part of his problems.

GothicGremlin

Music has been a saving grace for both me and my sister. Peggy still knows the words to most of the songs she really likes.

Yesterday afternoon somehow Nazareth came up (a late '70s band). They did the song "Love Hurts". I started singing the song, and Peggy was able to finish it (word perfect). There we were in memory care belting out this song. It was pretty hilarious. And if I play something by Berlin or Duran Duran, we're golden. I don't think it's possible to be sad when singing Hungry Like The Wolf, or Rio.

Music was how I kept my sanity during lockdown, btw. Lots of good goth music is in those minor keys, and I'm there for it.

DrinaJGB

If not for the ability to escape into the music realm or the company of my dogs I fear I would have jumped the cliff by now. Carry on. Any way you can.

Stuck in the middle

CStrope wrote:

I love music....I love dancing.  I have found that my DH will not let me put on music.  Not at home, not in the car....never.  I think the music is too much for him to process.  Most of his atrophy is on the left side of his brain, so language is a huge part of his problems.

Sorry, CStrope.  You are giving up so much, and he has lost so much.    

Ideaman

Thank you for such good advice. I am going to copy my wife's playlist from her phone to use as a music guide in the future. Good luck to you!