An unsettling phone call

Ed1937

We were very close friends with a couple from Mississippi. We lost touch with them several years ago, and when I placed Carole in MC, I tried to find them on facebook, even though I never do facebook. I had no luck finding him, but I did find his wife, and connected with her. They divorced in 1999, and she has been living alone since. She talked to Carole on the day she passed, and Carole knew who she was talking to. It was a pretty good phone call lasting probably less than five minutes. I had given Wanda my phone number so maybe they could connect again. 

Carole's funeral was yesterday, and last night I received a call from Wanda. I told her we just had the funeral several hours ago. Wanda told me she had been living alone since 1999, and she was very lonely. Then she said "Maybe you could come down to visit me for a couple of weeks". I just buried my wife of 64 years. I'm 84 years old. I have no idea why I'm even posting this.

jfkoc

I too would find the invitation "odd" but would try to write it off to as an innocent friendly invitation if I could.

Gig Harbor

I think she was not thinking when she wrote that. She has been single for 22 years. She is somehow not understanding that you are just beginning to even think about your new life. I would take it as a compliment that she wants to see you. I think she will realize that you are not ready for a two week visit.

Mint

Ed my cousin who does funerals says this is very common.  He always talks to people about this is likely to happen.  He sort of warns them.

Stuck in the middle

Ed, you're 84.  There are several unmarried women in your cohort for every unmarried man.  I certainly agree it's too soon for the visit, but she's letting you know she's available (if only as a friend) before someone else gets a lock on you.  

I have no personal experience with this.  I am where you were until just now, married to the woman I married when I was 20.  However, my FIL and an uncle or two received multiple invitations of the sort you just received after they were widowed.  

I think I'd continue the telephone calls and take a rain check on the visit.  I hear Mississippi is nicer in January than in July anyway.

zauberflote

Ed, I know it was a beautiful funeral service...

My mom was 69 when Dad died. After wrapping up affairs where they'd been in WV, Mom moved to New York. It didn't take her long to declare to me that she was keeping her wedding band on, Glenn was the only husband she'd ever need, and she would not be "seeing" other men but it wasn't for lack of offers! And this was Lutheran church men! A few years later she confessed that she always felt more comfortable when men were around, and it was certainly true that half her large circle of friends were men. Mom would be 94 now.  perhaps Wanda is also of the cohort of women who prefer to have men around.

If your friend is truly a good friend, her offer will hold for another 6 months or however long. 

Ed1937

Thanks for the replies. I feel better reading them. The four of us really liked each other a lot. I just didn't expect something like that.

M1

I understand completely why. No need to explain. Geez. Really? Not the response you needed, sounds like, by a long shot.

We love you Ed.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

DrinaJGB

OMG. What a clueless individual. Unbelievable how so many are just thinking of themselves.

Last Dance

Maybe she thought that by your coming to see her that it would take your mind off all your sorrows and it would help your grieving process. Some times people say or and do things that make you scratch your head and say what were they thinking, are they really that clueless about what I am going through. I feel sorry for you Ed God's blessings to you Richard

Quilting brings calm

Let her initiate the phone calls, not the other way around,  continue to be pleasant and friendly. If a a visit gets mentioned again. Say some  version of  the following:  I really need to be with my kids right now.  Even though Carole has been suffering for a while, her death was totally unexpected and we are still grieving.  I don’t think I will be taking any trips anytime soon.  Nor while I be inviting friends over for stays.  I have a lot of stuff to go through here at the house  and my kids will be helping me, 

If she did mean something by her offer, she will get the subtle hint. 

FYI-  there is not one thing wrong with taking  a vacation as soon as you feel ready to go somewhere.  She doesn’t need to be informed of it. 

riajean

....a different take on this, but maybe she was thinking she could relate to your loss and as a friend of yours and your wife's for many years, thought it would be nice to see you, talk, commiserate, nothing more.  NOBODY knows what to say about a loss.  Just take it as a friendly, "I know how alone you must be because I've been experiencing this" and "I'm here to talk if you need to".

Jo C.

Gosh Ed, I am sorry; in the midst of everything you are already working through.  Unpleasantly startling I would imagine.   I have seen this so many times over the years and it is such a desperate and inappropriate dynamic.    Prior input from other Members is good; best to keep one's distance and put the kabosh on this intrusion if another call is received.  If it is, you could state that you are with family in grieving and much to be processed, so you are not taking any calls and then abruptly excuse self off the phone with no further conversation and no answering of questions to give information .

NOTE:  One thing . . . it may be that she, "Wanda,"(who sounds very needy per her input), is herself having changes in her own cognition and processing which leads to judgment issues. 

Being in my professional status as well as having my parents living in a huge elder gated community of about 5,000 people, this sort of dynamic was rife.  When a spouse died, the surviving male spouse was suddenly indundated with enroaching elderly women.  Casseroles, cakes, being delivered or just arriving at the door unannounced,  making invitations, telephone calls, etc. It was often like a bad movie script.  Sometimes the "outreach" happened even before a death when the wife was terminally ill - single elderly women would begin their multiple contacts and "shopping" of the husband spouse getting their foot in the door so to speak.

Interesting in that this is almost always a female instrusion issue; the single males seem not to be in the same ball game so to speak.

Certainly can understand the unsettling part of it.

I think of you and your family often and continue to send warmest of thoughts, 

J.

ButterflyWings

Ed, I’d be thrown off a bit too. Not just awkward, it probably stirred the hurt you are still of course processing, very near the surface. I’m sorry she was so thoughtless even if she did not mean to be so forward as it sounded. 

This must have been a thing for centuries though, because widows used to dress a certain way during mourning (for a year or so?) to communicate “too soon” before changing their attire to signal bereavement status. Protocols are surely more relaxed and individual than that now, and not everyone is on the same page. E.g.,  I have definitely had to ignore a hint or two already, and my DH is still present. 

  

I was thinking what Jo C said, maybe W isn’t just tone deaf, she may be having cognitive decline herself. Sorry to say but it is reality- like a recent thread stated, seems best for those of us who have been through the fire already to keep the MOCA and MMSE handy once (if) we do decide we are ready for a new friendship at any level. 

Great advice above on “the script” to use if anyone gets too persistent or forward. I’m sending you and yours loads of positive energy for healing at your own pace.

Ed1937

Thank you again, friends.

Sayra wrote:

Ed my cousin who does funerals says this is very common.  He always talks to people about this is likely to happen.  He sort of warns them.

I just went to pay for the funeral services. So I asked the owner, a real nice guy, if he ever had anything like this. He is my age, and has had the business for many years. He told me he never had anything that aggressive (his word) happen. He asked me what I thought about what happened, and if I thought she would call again. I told him I didn't know what to think about it, and if I didn't get another call in the very near future, I wouldn't expect to get another one. He asked me if I told our kids about it. I told him I did. He told me to tell them I was just not interested in any southern belle at this time.

He just lost his wife about eight months ago, and has been invited to dinner by three women, although not immediately after his loss.

I just can't wrap my head around this, no matter how hard I try. The four of us were good friends who had a lot of fun together.

Kenzie56

Ed, first I want to say condolences on the passing of your wife. Both of you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I just wanted to say your recent experience has me baffled - but maybe because we are all on such a long, never ending grieving journey, something like this is hard to wrap our heads around.  Timing was inappropriate, to say the least.  I hope you can tuck this phone call away and focus on yourself now. You need time to grieve and recover from this awful experience. Btw, your wife's obit was beautiful.

My mother passed 5 years ago. A few months later, my stepfather started attending a hospice grief support group made up of 8 people. He was the only male. He made it clear from day one that he was not interested in replacing my mom...so four people (who felt the same way) decided to socialize as a group with him. To this day they dine, go to concerts, visit their LOs graves, etc., together - sometime just 2-3 people and sometimes all 5. They are all very happy and no one makes another person feel uncomfortable. (My stepdad reminds me often that no one crosses the line. lol) My stepfather is 92 and happy. I guess it may just be a female thing, but my stepdad seemed to find a good solution. 

Stuck in the middle

Do you recall the man (a member of this group) who loved to dance with his wife, and she passed away?  He told us he met another woman when he returned to the karaoke bar where they had danced, and found a new dance partner.  Then, in about a week, he reported that she had asked him to live with her so they could take care of one another!  In fact, she had watched him with his wife for years and wished for a man like that for herself.

You are a good man, Ed.  There aren't enough men like you.  All I can say is, keep your guard up and don't sign anything.  Your old friend won't be the last.  Women get lonesome too.

Jo C.

Your funeral director, Mr. Keiper sounds like a wonderfully caring person. Nice Dutch name; I used to work with a physician, Dr Keiper.  Also nice Dutch fellow. Bet he belongs to a Reformed Church in the Dutch community.  Really lovely people who relate to being kind and caring in their lives and helping others.  So glad you had that level of kind help during the whirlwind days that you have been dealing with.

J.

Stuck in the middle

Hi, Army Vet.  I couldn't remember your name but I half remembered what had happened to you.  I was just using that to try to show Ed that these things happen, and he will likely receive more invitations that will seem odd to him after so many years of being safely married.  

Hope you're doing well.  Thanks for joining in.