Where I’m at

Buggsroo

Here at Casa Loca things are more or less the same. My hubby now is in Depends all the time, I am going to pitch his underwear because he hides them and I can only work on smell. I smell him now and know he has to changed. He seems to be oblivious to his situation, his solution is putting his poop in the sink. So I have decided, Depends are the way to go.

I have been in touch with the social worker and have a list of places nearby. I have started to research them, but I feel so sad and depressed doing this. He had my back for so long in our 31 year marriage, I feel devastated even contemplating this move.

He drives me up the wall working and will announce 4,564 times daily that he is going to bed. Because my job is intense, this makes me nuts. I have had a good couple of nights sleep and am not as bothered, so feeling a good takeaway from this. So, while my life isn’t great, it’s not horrific either. So while I am looking into all of this, things will continue on the same track. 

I just want to say, I find this forum a life saver and am grateful for it.

Stuck in the middle

You still have his back, Buggsroo.  You're just calling for backup.  It takes a village to raise a child, and sometimes it takes a village at the other end of life too.

Ed1937

Buggs, that sounds like another bittersweet post. I wish we could just skip the low points. Unfortunately that's a big part of the game.

Jo C.

Dearest Buggs; you will not be doing something to him; you will be doing something for him.  It seems it may well  be time; it is about calling in the cavalry to help with the 24 hour seven day a week over the top care needs and you are but one person.

This will let you be his caring wife and advocate, but also gives him 24 hour multiple staff, socialization, routine and structure and exercise.  You will also get sleep and have time to do your professional work which will help your own health.

It comes to mind; you are in Canada. Beautiful, beautiful Canada . . . if I were younger . . .I notice that you like traditional Quebec music.   Do you live in Quebec?  I have become even more interested in Quebec from reading Louise Penny's novels which are a good read, and her love for Canada and Quebec certainly comes through.  Makes me wish I spoke French.

Being in Canada, does it take longer to be able to find custodial care setting for one's family member?  I am not certain how it works there.

Will wait to hear what you find and what you decide.  Take good care Buggs; I just do not know how you do it all and still keep your humor.

Big hug to a lovely lady,

J.

Quilting brings calm

Buggs….. as a daughter of a mom with dementia, and a stepdad who probably has it, I feel sad and depressed most of the time.  And it is not even my spouse that has it.  Although he has several physical illnesses. 

Work added to my stress until I retired.  Which I now wish I hadn’t ( the stock market has sone a number on us).   Then there’s the insurance dilemma in the USA at 65.   

I say all that only to tell you that sad and depressed is totally understandable for the point you are at.  It’s normal and you can stop worrying if you are abnormal.   

Buggsroo

Thank you for your kind replies. I appreciate it.

@jo Québécois music is varied, I went to uni in Montreal and lived with a French man. He spoke English with me but my degree was in French. Now I could speak to him in French fluently. I spoke French fluently as a kid because my school was French. The musicians I like are Paul Piché, Diane Dufresne, L’air du Nord, Beau Dommage, Harmonium etc. some Québécois music is similar to Cajun music, another favourite of mine.

As for my husband, well I realize he is gone mentally and I am dealing with a toddler. Once I made that leap, I felt better. So I have to just get on with it. Thanks again for the support.

Sligo177

Buggsroo,

You are a heroine to your DH, your loyalty and sacrifices have been incredible.  And now, you will be giving him more help. And if he was aware of all you do, he would want you to have this help.  You can be his wife again, and let professionals do the rest.  I know it's tough to make the decision.  God bless you!

Jo C.

Quebecois music is certainly some great music and yes; it does indeed seem to be a cousin of Cajun music.  I have heard a bit of Beau Dommage which I like, but not the others; now I am curious.

I have been to Canada twice as an adult and once as a child and love  the country.  What great people and so welcoming and kind.   Sadly, I have not been to Quebec which interests me greatly, but unfortunately, I do not speak French so communication would not be as open.   Wonder if it is too late to learn another language to a point at which one can communicate well and not fracture the accent.

As mentioned before, author Louise Penny in some of her books really writes of her love for Quebec.  She lives in Quebec in the town of, Knowlton.  One of her books was actually not so much a mystery novel as it was a love letter to Quebec.  She is a good author and reading her books in order is really necessary for continuity of characters and themes.  She has also written about her beloved husband Michael Whitehead, MD, who was diagnosed with and eventually died from Alzheimer's Disease. He was a physician; head of the Hematology Department at Montreal Children's Hospital.  She was his caregiver.

It was of course, a very deep experience for her as well as a severe loss.  She has discussed the difficulty of caregiving even when having the significant assets and life they had.  She evidently does some work as a spokesperson for Alzheimer's Disease in Montreal.

Buggs; you are such an angel, (perhaps in disguise - grin), you continue to move forward despite the uber-problems with the significant caregiving issues you are dealing with while also trying to maintain your professional life to the degree that you can.  I often wonder how you keep your sense of humor when he is busy decorating your kitchen!  I would have been a screaming loon by this time; but you soldier on.

I am though, glad you are looking into alternatives for when the time comes that a change is necessary.  Take good care of you too; in case you may have forgotten, you too are very important!

With warmest of thoughts being sent your way,

J.

Buggsroo

Jo, you are lovely. Thank you. 

I am glad you like Canada, I am happy here in Ontario, but did spend my university years in Montreal. I did my degree in French with a minor in German and Italian. It was a fun four years and because I was living with a pure laine Québécois I got a real exposure to the francophone segment of Quebec. If you like French literature, you can’t beat Gabrielle Roy who wrote the Tin Flute, etc. Her books are translated into English. 

I came home today from a walk and was gobsmacked to see my husband fried himself five eggs. You could have blown on me and I would have fallen over. I started laughing. Five eggs? Why five? It just beggars the imagination. Just call me stunned, well he was farting up a storm, totally smelly but luckily no poo. 

Joydean

Buggsroo, I so admire your sense of humor! 5 eggs?! Goodness, if you’re going by smells, you sure got it today! 

Please take care of yourself because you are important to many of us too! 

Jo C.

Aaaah; sound effects, parfum, but no art work - Progress!!

J.

Buggsroo

Ok I laughed out loud at this. You guys are a hoot. Yes he is still farting up a storm, the cats are keeping their distance. He is back to telling me is going to bed 5,000 times a day. Livin the dream.

Joydean

Most people are having their fireworks outside, but Buggsroo you are getting fireworks inside your home! You have some smart cat’s! When my dh has bad gas our dog will not go anywhere near him! Have a good day!

Jo C.

So . . . . Mrs. Buggsroo . . . . anything eggsciting happening today? 

Have to say, with your ability regarding languages, you would have been a fun person to travel with.  I had an "adventure" in Italy that I sure could have used your expertise with . . .

We had gone to the Gallery Museum in Florence to see Michelangelo's sculpture of David.  Afterward, I needed to use the restroom, so went to the front desk to speak to the receptionist to ask where the bano was.  In not quite English and not quite Italian, we kind of communicated . . she told me this and that, mostly in Italian, and waved her arms and hands around in the air . . . I finally thought I had got it  So; down the stairs to the lower level I went . . . got  to the bottom and turned left as she had gestulated . . .

Aha!   There was the bano . .  I walked in and oh my stars and garters!  There were three men . . . well; I decided that I had hit upon one of those European unisex bathrooms . . .  "I can do this, I can be cosmopolitan . . . "  So in I went, trilling, "Buon Giorno!"  The fellows looked up and kind of said, "Giorno . . "  Smiling and feeling oh so capable, I went into a stall.

Soon, a man entered the stall next to mine - oh my goodness - okay; I can do this, I am sophisticated enough . . .then he lit up a terrible smelling cigarette . . .. I whipped out a small spray bottle from my purse and spritzed some perfume upward in the air to the top of the divider.  There!

Out of the stall I went and as I was washing my hands, another man entered and once again I trilled, "Buon Giorno!"  With a big smile of course.

I left the bathroom and went down the hall toward the stairs again thinking how well I had carried that off . . . BUT . . . right before "up" stairs, what did I see?  EEEEK!!!! It was the women's bathroom!!  OH NO - I had been in the men's bathroom!  Embarrassed to the moon and back.

I can only imagine the men telling their wives about the crazy American woman; but the poor fellow in the stall next to mine - how did he explain why he smelled like women's perfume?  Hope they are still married.  Only consolation was, that I would never see them again.   Positive outcome was, I learned to remember the difference between sinistra (left) and destra (right).

My most used phrase the weeks I was in Italy . . ."mi dispiace!"   Sigh.

J.

Buggsroo

Oh Jo,

That is hilarious, I had a similar experience in Morocco, we were on our way to Marrakech and stopped to have a pee break. In the hotel were two bathrooms on the main floor. There was a big lineup at the ladies and I was bursting and afraid I would end up peeing on my shoes. So I made my way over to the gents and hoped no one was there. I went into a stall, started to go and hey presto a group of men walked in. I thought, oh no, do I stay in the stall and hope they leave or do I make an exit. I realized people were waiting for me so flushed and exited. Three very surprised men in the midst of peeing started yelling at me. I apologized like a madman saying the ladies was full up, all in French. I then went over to the sink and washed my hands. It was an experience.

By the way, my name is JoAnn and I have always been called Jo by my family.

toolbeltexpert

I don't have anything to add just that you all crack me up.

Ed1937

Our two Jo's are hilarious!!

Jo C.

Off topic me:

Oh Buggs; and in a mainly Muslim country! Yikes!!  I can indeed well imagine the shouting at you.   If any of them had a prostate problem, you may have caused him Flomax failure for weeks.

It was so very polite of the Italian men to tolerate my intrusion.  Had another Italian adventure in Sienna where a very elderly gentleman attached himself to my husband and me.  We had stopped our car to let him cross the road with crazy traffic outside of Sienna,  he could not get across otherwise.   We stopped, he looked into the side car window, opened the back door, jumped inside the car, pointed up a hill and shouted, "Avanti! Andiamo!"   So; off we went with me desperately wondering how to dial 911 in Italy.  He spoke no English, but led us to a private garage where he had our car parked and instructed the attendant to guard our car carefully.  Then he began to be our guide walking us upward to the center of Sienna (centro).   As he walked us, Italian people kept warmly greeting him, "Mr. Pepini!"  Turns out the very elderly gentleman long, long ago had been a soccer star.  Wow!   I learned in the weeks we spent in Italy that all roads to be walked go uphill; even when going down, the road goes uphill.  Puff, puff, pant, pant; but I LOVED every moment. We stayed out of big cities and drove everywhere and met wonderful people and saw such dear little towns. And oh; the food and wine! 

When in other  countries we never took a tour; we drove and that led to so many unplanned adventures; it was awesome.  We often never even booked a place to stay except for day of arrival and night before departure back to the  U.S. so we could wander at will.   DH used to get antsy because we had no reservations, but heck; the worst that could happen is that we would have had to sleep in the car at a road stop, but that never happened.  We always found a place and some great ones.  In Scotland, they had those terrible round-about busy traffic circles one had to whiz through without stopping - sometimes there were two or three one on top of the other one.  I learned the Scottish name for them; they were the "o-shhetts," because that is what my DH exclaimed every time he had to drive through one, how nice that he knew their proper name. 

Gosh; I am getting reminiscent.  Sorry.

So hope that today was an okay day for you with no need for clorox.  You are a trooper beyond measure, I do not think that I would be as tolerant; as it is, I feel like having you nominated for a living saint. I do not know another person with the fortitude and patience you have had. It is so much that sometimes I do feel a bit of concern for you; it has to be a major tribulation and exhausting to the marrow of one's bones.  If I had one, my hat would be off to you.

J.

Buggsroo

Hey Jo, you would be fun to travel with, I honestly never worry about where I stay, the more off beat the better. I slept on a bunch of suitcases on a train and did great, another time slept in a train station, and in Italy slept in a doorway. I love North Africa because everyone is pretty chill. 

Today, found a brown offering in the bathroom sink, so grabbed it with my hands and got it into the toilet. I did feel a bit nauseated but managed to get the Clorox out and get the bathroom smelling good again. I am ok as long as I get out and about, if I stayed home all day, I’d be in a rubber room.

I loved Italy and spent a lot of time in Rome. I had an experience in a Roman toilet that was pretty wild. I went into the gents and the only way I knew that was the toilet had no seat. I fell in. I had to pull my butt out of that toilet and it made a sound like popping a cork. Coming out of the bathroom, I was treated to a bunch of comments in Italian that were very rude. I retorted: “Sono una ragazza molta Catholica e non posso stare qui.” Basically translated I told them I was a very catholic girl and I couldn’t stay there. I had long red hair and when they heard me speak Italian, they shut up real fast.

Thanks for your concern Jo, love Jo.

Cherjer

Hey Bugs...I could be your best friend!!

Buggsroo

Hey Cherjer, that is very nice. I consider all the people in this forum really good friends. I am lucky to have you all.