How to tell DH he's going to Memory Care

Sligo177

DH had a hospitalization with a knee injury and gout, there's an earlier post about it.  My DH is now in a rehab facility to get him walking again and more strong, so he can go to Memory Care.  The nurse from MC will assess him and say when he's ready to go.  It's a beautiful place close to our home.

Right now, he is sometimes quite pleasant and then very angry, telling me to put him in the car and take him home or else...various threats, none of them to harm anyone.  His daughters are there twice a day and don't approve of the place, but that's another thread, ha ha!  He's really mad at me today....

I have read that it's best to tell your LO 1 or 2 days before the move.  I had once mentioned to him he would (he took it to mean we would) move to an apartment, but I think he's forgotten that.  Any advice on how to broach the subject? So appreciate and am grateful for you all, my Alzheimer's gurus.

Ed1937

This is really hard. Tell him he is going to a better place for rehab. I told my wife the morning of the transfer, a few hours before it took place. That would be my recommendation. No need to let him stew for any more time than necessary.

M1

Sligo, is there a reason you feel you have to tell him?  My partner was told by her doctors every day for ten days before she was transferred, and it meant nothing.  I know there is a wide spectrum on this, you could just tell him it's a different rehab if you have to tell him anything.  

Hope the daughters are not bucking your decision.  Not sure whether you mean they don't approve of the current rehab, or of the MC facility?:

David J

I didn’t tell my wife anything other than I needed an operation. Tje day I took her to MC, I packed a bag and took it with us. I said ”we’re stopping here” and took her in. Then I reminded her about my operation and said that “these people are going to take care of you while I recover”. That was it.

dayn2nite2

You don't tell him.  On the day, he is simply going to a place more suitable to get his strength back.

You don't say "you're never coming home" or "this is your home now."

Sligo177

Well, the daughters did not like the rehab facility, particularly one of them.  And then I found out that one had been telling him for the past two days about where he's going to be going afterward, and that it might happen tomorrow.  (He has yet to even be assessed by the nurse from the MC center) So, when I arrived, not knowing all this, he told me he would not go inside, and that I was a liar, etc.   Sigh......so I have my work cut out for me.  That's why I needed advice from my Forum!  I did send another nice email to all of them tonight explaining the game plan once again.   I do love them all though.

Paris20

In answer to the opening question, I give you the benefit of my experience when I advise NOT to tell DH he is going to MC. By now he may have forgotten everything your children told him. I hope so because fiblets work best in this situation. Outright lies can be even better.

In early May my husband, who’d been diagnosed with AD in 2015, had a stroke. The result was so debilitating that he will not go home, ever. My daughters and I decided to take advantage of the location of the excellent facility we found. It’s adjacent to our alma mater, so we told him he was going for further rehab in a special place run by the university. It happens to be down the street from his old fraternity, providing me with opportunities to joke about our youth, something he still remembers. I visit every morning and always tell him I’ll be back soon, not that I am leaving for home. One last piece of advice…when my DH first came to the facility he was aggressive, angry, cursing, etc. I called his doctor and she upped his Seroquel just a tiny bit. That helped. Good luck!

DJnAZ

My wife has been in MC for 5 weeks. For several months prior to placing her, I agonized over how to tell her and what to do if I had to personally take her to a facility.

As it worked out, I was spared the decision. Prior to being placed she had a very bad UTI and was in the hospital for a week. During her hospitalization doctors recommended she go straight from the hospital to the MC facility. The MC facility van picked her up after being released from the hospital. They told her it would be for continuing rehabilitation to help her get better.

She has mid-level dementia as well as PPA, primary progressive aphasia, so any type of two way communication is virtually impossible. She does, however, keep her things packed and ready to go at all times. My visits have been difficult as she may be unable to communicate, but she knows she wants to go home.

To answer your question...I don't know how I would have told her or if she would have fully understood. But I have a feeling the experience would have been difficult at absolute best. I hope your situation works out with the least amount of stress possible.

Sligo177

Thank you all!  I will have to stand firm with the daughters, especially the one, and if I can't get her to stop talking about the next place, maybe even have her barred from visiting.  As I say this, I hope she's not over there again.....and, I'll just let him know the morning of.  Awful to have to fight this battle along with everything else.

Buggsroo

Sligo, your daughter is probably acting out and projecting her own fears onto your husband. It really isn’t time for her to behave like this. I am sorry, however someone has to tell her to pull up her big girl pants and deal. It isn’t about her. I say that tell him what the others here say, that he is going for more rehab. It really is on a need to know basis and besides, many pwds forget what you tell them. I am sure once he has settled, it will work out quite well.

Sligo177

Buggsroo thank you so much.  You just have a way of saying things.  I laughed for the first time in days!  And thank you everyone so much.