My money

sunshine5

DH who was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, has always been very possessive about money. During 36 years of marriage, I have taken care of him, cook, clean etc. Past year since diagnosed, I am the sole caregiver. He is the breadwinner. It upsets me greatly that he doesn’t include/ consult  me in making any financial decisions! Last week, the bank called ( he is the primary on this account ) he transferred 100 k from one account to another. When i opened the mail today, and asked him about the transfer, he said - it’s my money, I can do what I like with it, he doesn’t think necessary to consult me! It makes me feel i am here just to serve him!

I don’t know if this means his dementia is getting better! So far, I haven’t taken his credit cards away, he is very possessive about them! Anyone else going thru this! He is 84. Since his diagnosis, my workload as a caregiver has increased a lot!

Very upsetting for me!

Quilting brings calm

People with dementia do not ‘ get better’.   They only stay the same until they gradually or suddenly get worse.  Some  are  more cooperative than others.  Some understand their limitations, others do not.  Some are paranoid, often  about money.  Others realize they can’t handle money and allow their family to handle it. Some of their family members understand what they are up against.  Others are in denial. 

You really need to get a lawyer. If the bank is calling you, that means they know he shouldn’t be making these decisions and you need to take away his access.   It sounds like he’s moved money to where you cannot access it.   Which is going to cause a problem sooner or later unless you have a durable power of attorney. I know this because my step father moved money and I cannot get him to put it back into their joint account and he doesn’t want to use it to pay their bills.  Mom has dementia and he probably does.   I’m trying to pay their bills with that money and he’s fighting me at every turn. I have no POA for  him.  I know the situation is $&@“.  

RobertsBrown

Hi Sunshine,

This is extremely alarming.

In my opinion, this should be the only think you focus on until it's resolved.  Yes, a lawyer, but also talk to family you can trust, and try to get a handle on this 'it's my money' thing.

The world is overflowing with predators that are working overtime looking for old and vulnerable persons with cash and impaired decision making skills.  There are thousands of sad stories out there, and we don't need another one.

You are right to be concerned.

harshedbuzz

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. We were fortunate that when dad was initially diagnosed with Alzheimer's the very next sentence out of the neurologist's mouth was "He doesn't drive or manage finances anymore-- you'll need to take over that". Alas, he and my mom fought me on dad being screened or evaluated for the better part of a decade during which he managed to lose $350K (their IRAs, a SEP, and an investment account of money for my nieces left by their late mother) day-trading. Additionally, there were other smaller losses I discovered wading through my parent's papers after he died-- like the 5 separate internet security suites auto-renewing at $300 per each year long after he could use a computer or buying a Ford Taurus at full MSRP because he got lost going out for lunch while mom was in the hospital. 

You need to shut this down which will require an enacted POA or guardianship/conservatorship. You should also lock down his/your credit. Once the money is gone, there is no Mulligan or do-over. A CELA can help you here. 

IME, many people focus heavily on the short term memory aspects of dementia and forget about the other losses like executive function (the higher order thinking skills needed to do the sorts of IADLs one learns in adolescence or early adulthood), the social filter that renders them much like a "truth-telling drunk" and empathy which makes everything about their wants and comfort and darn* the person who is wiping their butt. 

I expect there will be some fallout around you taking steps to protect your family assets. He sounds sort of like someone who could trend aggressive with dementia on-board. You need to be prepared for anger and maybe even violence. You should proactively get rid of any weapons in the house, keep a charged cell phone on your person and have a saferoom you can lock as needed-- preferably one with an exit to the outside. He sounds as if he could benefit from medication to soften his mood, so you might consider a geripsych especially given the seizure issues. 

The roads on the dementia journey only go in one direction and as care needs increase you will need all your assets to provide a safe level of care for both of you. 

HB

dayn2nite2

I know you don't want to do this and have conflict but you need to do everything in your power NOW to get control here.  Whether that means guardianship of him, whatever it takes.

He can wipe you out with 1 bad decision.  

He is not going to get better.  He is getting worse.

Unless you want to get a job to provide for yourself (barely), you must see an attorney tomorrow.  This is an emergency.

JDancer

I agree that this money situation is urgent, I'm so sorry this is happening.

So, I hate to bring up another difficult issue. Is he still driving? I ask, because I assume he drove to the bank. If so, please read everything you can find on this forum about PWD driving. It's not safe and if he has an accident, you can lose everything. 

Gig Harbor

I think you need to see a lawyer as soon as possible. Has he always handled all the money? Did you work outside the home and did he handle your income too? It will be difficult to make him change if this is the way he has always done things. Do you have family you trust to help advise you? A lawyer can help you make a plan. He can tell you what papers you need to have copies of. Try not to do or say anything to make your husband suspicious until you get a plan in place. Good luck.

M1

Sunshine, from reading your previous posts, I have to say in all kindness that I get the impression that you simply wish this weren't happening.  But this with the money needs to be a huge wake-up call.  It is happening, and you are endangering him--as well as yourself--if you do not take steps to protect your finances and other aspects of your life.  No matter how deferential you have been  through your marriage, you need to not be deferential now.  I don't intend that to be harsh.  But you can't let him go on like this, any more than you would let a toddler run out in the street.  It is courting catastrophe, and we know you don't want that.  Please call the bank and an attorney tomorrow and find out what can be done as soon as possible.  Call his doctor too if you need to.

sunshine5

Yes, I did work outside the home. I have my own ira and bank account.I have the durable POA on file. No he doesn’t drive anymore nor he knows how to do on line banking. The money he moved by phone was in the joint account from one account to the other, which was harmless.I was surprised they did that because they r pretty strict about security questions over the phone! I called the bank, I was told he was the primary on the joint account, they won’t talk to me unless they have his authorization! 

Thanks to everyone who responded. 

The Dr has told him in the past to let me handle the finances! Mostly I do! I do on line banking & pay his credit cards and open the mail.

He has anosognosia, he has no memory problems he says !

I am hoping either Alzheimer’s reversed or a miracle would happen, everything is back to normal, i know it’s wishful thinking!

JJ401

Moving the money may have been harmless this time, but that does not mean next time. Talk to the lawyer who did the financial POA about using it. You need to protect yourself, and him. Yes, him. He can do something foolish with the money that can jeopardize both of your futures.

Crushed

You need a lawyer yesterday and a  new bank .  Primary is a concept only on a debt account  not a joint bank account both owners of a joint account have all rights.

Crushed

You need a lawyer yesterday and a  new bank .  Primary is a concept only on a debt account  not a joint bank account both owners of a joint account have all rights.

Thank you for putting Virginia in your profile here are the statutes in Virginia 

6.2-606. Ownership during lifetime; garnishment, attachment, or levy.

A. A joint account belongs, during the lifetimes of all parties, to the parties in proportion to the net contributions by each to the sums on deposit, except that a joint account between persons married to each other shall belong to them equally, and unless, in either case, there is clear and convincing evidence of a different intent. § 6.2-613. Payment of sums in joint account.

Any sums in a joint account may be paid, on request, to any party without regard to whether any other party is incapacitated or deceased at the time the payment is demanded