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Safta
Safta Member Posts: 10
Seventh Anniversary 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions First Comment
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DH was diagnosed with lung cancer -- aggressive -- the first week in March. There was nothing to be done. The sudden worsening of memory, vision issues, abdominal issues, lessening appetite and energy - it was not from a progression of his neurological disease but the cancer accelerating the neurological symptoms. He was home with hospice help and was able to be home until about 48 hours before the end, when they could not control his pain without inpatient hospice. I moved into the room with him. He wasn't alone.  Having Alzheimer's and Parkinsons and a host of other medical problems was agony for DH who was aware of what was happening to him. It was agony for me, too, watching him leave in pieces and not being able to protect him from the fear of losing himself. He did not go to the end of the Alzheimer's and Parkinsons, and for that I am grateful, but whether it was from that or the very virulent cancer spreading like wildfire, his death has shattered me to the core. I knew it was coming, but still my soul has been shredded. Now I find myself walking a different path. This is not like losing parents or siblings.

I know that you are all still struggling with your spouses' or partners' disease, trying to love and support them, trying to maintain dignity and independence for as long as it is possible. It is a Herculean task. I am grateful for all of the kindness and support you gave to me during my journey with you, and you and your loved ones will be in my prayers. Take care of yourselves, and thank you. I think now I am supposed to change groups -- Be well.

Comments

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    Safta, I am so sorry for your loss.  Thank you for the update.

    I don't know that you have to change groups.  Everyone is welcome on these pages no matter where you are in the journey.

  • Buggsroo
    Buggsroo Member Posts: 574
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    Safta, I can’t tell you how sorry I am that your husband has passed. I guess you are picking up the pieces and that is heartbreaking. I offer my condolences and am so sorry. I would like to echo what M1 says, stay with us, there is always room at the table.
  • Ed1937
    Ed1937 Member Posts: 5,090
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    Safta, I'd like to send my condolences. You're right, this is not the same as losing parents or siblings. I just lost my wife on June 24. Whether or not you continue with this form, I send my best to you. I'm sure you will find support whatever you decide.
  • Mint
    Mint Member Posts: 2,767
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    Safta I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband.  

    Feel just like the others, you are welcome to stay here as long as you want to.  We all need each other.

  • Joydean
    Joydean Member Posts: 1,500
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    Safta, I am so sorry for all the suffering your husband and you have gone through. It is heartbreaking to see the least. No more pain for your husband now, but your pain will last for some time. My prayers for peace and strength for you and your family. Be kind and gentle with your heart !
  • Jo C.
    Jo C. Member Posts: 2,941
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    Dear Safta, I am so very sorry for all that has happened and for your deep loss.  You are right, the loss of a spouse is a different dynamic altogether.

    Safta, you do not need to go to a different place to Post.  Once part of this large electronic family, you are always part of it.   Please do continue to come here as often as you wish and feel like doing and share with us.  You can also Post on any of the other Forums too, no restrictions. 

    May your heart begin to heal knowing how well you cared for your beloved husband; you went the entire journey, faithful to the end of his life.

    Sending warmest of thoughts your way and may peace and solace find you soon.

    J.

  • ImMaggieMae
    ImMaggieMae Member Posts: 1,033
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    Salta, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart cries for you. I hope you will stay on this forum because I want my husband to stay in our home and I’m sure I will need more advice. The only reason I would place him anywhere would be if he became aggressive and dangerous. He’s somewhere in stage 6 now, needing help with eating because of trouble swallowing hard or chewy foods, dressing and undressing, showering and is incontinent much of the time. It’s already so isolating.
  • Jeff86
    Jeff86 Member Posts: 684
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    Please accept heartfelt condolences on your husband’s passing, Safta.  What an ordeal you and he have been through.  His suffering is over, and I hope you will find peace and acceptance in the weeks and months ahead.  

    You will always be welcome here.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 890
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    Safta, I am so sorry for the loss of your LO.  Sending hugs and prayers.
  • David J
    David J Member Posts: 479
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    Safta, I am saddened at the loss of your husband. For most of us, the end is inevitable even if we don’t know when or how. One of the great things about this forum is that no matter what stage you are in, someone here has been through it and can share experience and advice. Stage 8 is what they call your stage of his awful journey. Your husband has passed, but you are still suffering. Please stay on the forum and help those of us who are following behind you.
  • Last Dance
    Last Dance Member Posts: 135
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     Dear Safta, I am so very sorry for all the things that have been so hard on you and your husband and for your deep loss.  I have always felt that taking care of a spouse with Alzheimer's or dementia is much different and harder than taking care of a parent. And it's much harder losing a spouse then losing a parent or even a sibling. When you lose your spouse, you lose half of yourself and your support system. I do pray that you can get help with your lose either through this board or another board or some type of grief counseling. God’s Blessings to you as you start on a new journey in life with out him. Richard

  • toolbeltexpert
    toolbeltexpert Member Posts: 1,583
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    Safta I am so sorry for your loss. And keep posting where ever you feel like.
  • ButterflyWings
    ButterflyWings Member Posts: 1,755
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    Dear Safta, Please accept my heartfelt sympathies on the passing of your loved one.We can never be ready even when their transition means freedom from dementia or other cruel disease. May he rest in peace and may you find healing and peace, in time.
  • Safta
    Safta Member Posts: 10
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    Thank all of you for your support. I will continue checking in. I did contact the social worker at Hospice, and they are starting a new group for widows/widowers on the 20th - I'll participate, and have found the couple of individual sessions with the counselor there to be helpful, especially confirming that what I am experiencing is to be expected. Thank you again.
  • Safta
    Safta Member Posts: 10
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    MaggieMae, thank you for your kind words. Home is best because it is what is familiar and known. Please know that when aggression occurs, it is NOT them - they would be horrified if they knew. It is the disease, and fortunately, there are a couple of really good medications that can control that. Seroquel was really good, coupled with Lorazapam as needed, and after it built up, enabled me to keep my DH at home. The hospice doctors know about it - some meds, like Haldol, that are routinely prescribed, don't help patients with dementia but might actually make the agitation worse, so make sure that your neurologist weighs in. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does, there are meds to help.
  • Safta
    Safta Member Posts: 10
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    Thank you. We made a commitment to each other, and were devoted to each other always. He knew I was with him.
  • Vitruvius
    Vitruvius Member Posts: 326
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    Thanks for checking back in. Your insights are appreciated.

  • Joe C.
    Joe C. Member Posts: 968
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    My sincere condolences on the loss of your husband, may you find peace in the days ahead.

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 856
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    I am so sorry. Prayers for your peace and comfort.

  • Jeff86
    Jeff86 Member Posts: 684
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    Thank you for sharing your lived experience. At one month into stage 8, I have much to learn. Alas, I am not at the stage yet where the memories of my DW healthy are replacing the memories of my DW sick. Too soon, I know.

  • Dio
    Dio Member Posts: 718
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    Great to hear you're moving on! May your days ahead be full of joy again!

  • midge333
    midge333 Member Posts: 331
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    I am sorry for your loss.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 890
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    Thanks for checking in and sharing your experience. May God bless you in the new year with peace and joy.

  • Kibbee
    Kibbee Member Posts: 229
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    Losing people we care about is one of life’s hardest experiences. But being able to look back on the good times shared is a blessing.

  • Mimi50
    Mimi50 Member Posts: 144
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    I am so sorry for the loss of your DH.

  • WIGO23
    WIGO23 Member Posts: 118
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    In time may the good memories supplant the struggles of the journey you traveled together.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more