I’m making myself ill

Quilting brings calm

I’m afraid I’m going to have a heart attack or stroke if I don’t quit obsessing. This is not really a dementia post. it’s an I can’t do this anymore post. 

My Mom with dementia and my stepdad with possible dementia have run my tank of mental and emotional reserves dry.luckily they don’t live with me- they are in assisted living 

I have nothing left to deal with the other stress in my life.  my older sons divorce and the probably future loss of contact with  our bonus and only grandchild.  They live over 3 hours one direction. Our younger son, who has epilepsy( a seizure every couple years),  and has to deal with it and is working and living 4 hours away in a different direction than the older son.   He’s never had a girlfriend as far as I know

My spouse, who has a lot of health issues ( not dementia) and now needs a BPAP. Which we’ve started on, but waited until Medicare became primary this month,  to order   Those things are rent to own and we didn’t want to start that a month before Medicare because primary.  Plus we decided that a supplement and a prescription plan would be best in the long run and that we really needed to do that in the six month window for no health questions.  But the prescription costs will be a few hundred dollars higher a month than on my retiree insurance plan.  We ran into an issue immediately.  Friday was July 1st and a medication needed preauthorized  by the new part d plan and it didn’t get done before the three day weekend   So he hasn’t had that medication all weekend.  We go see that doctor today to do the required Medicare  face to face to get the BPAP approved through 

I feel like I screwed up by telling him to go with the supplement and part d rather than stay on my insurance.  My insurance  had preauthorized  this medication the second of June when the doctor prescribed it.  But it is a medication that they refused to pay for the refill before the first of July. And like I said, we changed to the Medicare part d on July first.  My insurance becomes Medicare Advantage when I am 65 in 2023.  Didn’t think that would be good for all his health issues.that’s why we went the supplement and part d route. 

I have not been sleeping  well for  months and the last two nights have been 4 hours and 2 hours respectively.  I probably need an anti anxiety med, but I am reluctant to take one 

Why is life so freaking hard? 

Edited to add:  part of my freak out is that we have a car payment and credit card bills like everyone else.  we’ve planned for( but not yet fully paid for) a month in Orange Beach Alabama in December and  a trip to Hawaii in January.  ThT was all done before the Medicare decision and before we found out needed a BPAP. Everyone here knows that you need to travel while you can because soon enough you can’t.  Especially since my spouse is diabetic and his eyesight is only good enough to drive during the daytime 

I retired early in December 2020 because of all my stress above.  Wish I hadn’t done that too 

And just now my husband told me he can’t handle me like this.  Even though he’s been on antidepressants  our entire 32 year marriage. 

M1

QBC I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  It is a lot.

Please consider an anti-anxiety medication.  You don't know unless you try.  You have talked about your mother's level of anxiety; a lot of this neurologic stuff is inherited, and we don't control the way the brain works.  You might really benefit from medication--and counselling too, for that matter, I'm a big believer in both.

There's an overlap for everyone between stress and depression.  When there are lots of stressors, even the little stuff feels huge.  It's like being overdrawn at the bank:  if you've got a healthy balance, you pay a $20 electric bill and don't think twice.  But if you're already overdrawn, that same $20 bill can feel like the end of the world.

The drugs can help our brains recoup those coping resources.  

Hang in there...

zauberflote

QBC I feel you! So many things that you really can't control. I am really really sorry about your grandkid.....we also only have one, and I can't imagine how you feel. 

My current state of health has certainly been "helped along" by the extreme stresses of raising our boys, now in their 30's. One of them has mental and mental health issues you would not wish on your worst enemy. I'm 70, and in my 50's and 60's had several occasions where I was just like you are now. I think it's the ambient level of stress that keeps us from having "recovery" or "back to a good baseline" periods. 

I like what M1 says about stress and depression. My son's counselor/therapist diagnosed me with depression 6 or 7 years ago! 

I think when you get all the Medicare preliminaries over with, you will be relieved that you chose "old-style" for DH. We both have it, with the supplements, and while it is a big chunk in the budget, it has already paid for itself a few times. 

Keep us posted. I have zero real help for you but I do care how you are!

dayn2nite2

Would eliminating Hawaii and shortening (or even eliminating) the December trip help you worry less about money?  I can't imagine dragging someone with health issues all over the place (with assorted equipment).  Who wants to go on these trips, you or him?  

You will be glad you put him on the conventional Medicare, believe me, even with the stress right now.

You may not lose contact with your grandchild.  You have to wait and see and there is nothing you can do to influence either way.  Your son with epilepsy sounds fine.  Why is the issue that you don't know whether he's had a girlfriend mentioned?  Are you worried he won't find someone?

Antidepressant or anti-anxiety (whichever your physician recommends) is best.

Your mother and stepfather?  You may need to walk away and let their disaster unfold.

If you mitigate the stress and your husband continues complaining - you may have to cut him loose as well.  You deserve peace in your retirement.  I know you don't want to hear that, but he can either be happy to be married or be an anchor.  If he is becoming an anchor, cut him loose.  He's been threatening for a long time, which I find interesting, since it's you who worries and fixes all his issues.

Jo C.

M1 has given excellent input.

I am sorry for all that is happening.  When in the middle of such overwhelming anxietous times, it can be difficult not to catastrophize everything and not to have our imaginations project into the future things that may never happen.  You are suffering and the good thing is; there is help to be had.

Probably the best thing you can do at this point in time would be to see your doctor asap and address anxiety versus depression or a combination of both.  There are meds that can address both all in the same pill.  You may only need to take such a med temporarily and it may well take the tremendous stress off of your shoulders.  I agree that seeing a good counselor at the same time would be very helpful.  Such a professional can really provide much support and also be able to put matters into perspective and help you format ways to handle all that is happening. You state you are reluctant to take an anti-anxiety med; that may contribute to the level of the problems you are feeling and may affect your health.

Since you bring up finances, I too wonder if the future trips may be part of the upset as they will have to be paid for from air fare to all the hotel costs and meals out, etc. If this is contributing to the anxiety, and especially since you mention costs of items being an issue, the trips would be a huge financial outlay and that is a controllable expense. If you find the trips are dragging the finances to a bad place and need to cancel, if you have made deposits you may be able to get them back based on medical reasons that you can get a doctor's note for and doctor's are good about assisting with such dynamics. 

As for your son's divorce and your concern re your grandchild, try not to project and catastrophize things that may not happen.   For what it is worth, I can share that I had a similar issue years ago.  What I wisely decided to do was to NOT address the couples problem issues or to say negative things about either partner.  My persistent comment was, "I am Switzerland, I am neutral and will not address this."  Period.  During those times I also was very kind and stayed connected with our grandchild who was a tiny toddler.  The child and mother lived far away across the U.S., but I sent little cards from time to time, and also sent little gifts such as story books, or a cute clothing item, but not overly often.  Switzerland I was and Switzerland I stayed and still do today years later.  There was a period I did not see our grandbaby due to distance, but I did what I could staying in contact without being overwhelming to the baby's mother.  I always spoke kindly staying away from the adult relationship issues.  Switzerland.   As time passed, I was seen as a helpful and caring influence and had a wonderful relationship with my grandchild as she grew into adulthood, and in fact, she came and spent summers with us. 

Your other adult child seems to be doing pretty well.  Though you may worry about your son being alone and not in a permanent relationship, is really not a problem issue; it is not necessary to project problems where there aren't any.  He also may have friends or other people in his life that he has not shared; after all, he is an adult.

My recommendation, again for what it is worth, would be to become Switzerland from this point onward and to try to not project things that may not ever happen.  You want to be seen as part of the positive things, not a problem.  The idea that we are in control or that we must rescue everyone and everything are illusions and not healthy. It is also about letting go; a counselor can be helpful in such understandings.  Not everything is a catastrophe and not everything needs to be projected as OUR problem that we must try and control.

As for the insurance; do not dwell on what is done unless you want to reverse course but that is for another time that need not be done all at once right now.  Work with what you have got. The Bipap issue is only a temporary one; he will eventually own it.  The med issues will be able to be clarified and you can keep a schedule about when you need to get refills of prescriptions, etc. before they run out.  If meds can be ordered by mail through the Part D, they may be less expensive when ordered that way, three months at a time.  That was so for my parents.

I have given far too much input when you already feel like you are spinning.  You are going to be okay, and all of these dynamics will work their way out.   What is important now is that you get yourself to your physician asap and gain some help so that you can regain your equilibrium and not suffer unnecessarily from anxiety and/or depression.

Do let us know how you are, we care.  So hope you do get to some help so you do not suffer needlessly.

J.

Paris20

QBC, I’m sorry for all the stress in your life. I understand what it can do. My husband was diagnosed with AD in 2015. Then, two months ago, he had a paralyzing stroke. My 100 year old mother had a stroke in January after years of heart problems. Her memory and speech were affected. She has a live-in aide and my brother lives nearby, but he and my sister-in-law lost their daughter to drugs two years ago so they have their own stress. My niece’s death had a great impact on me. To add insult to injury, my beloved beagle has incurable cancer and her prognosis is just a few months left.

I am 75 and had never taken an antidepressant in my life. However, a couple of years ago, the stress was getting so intolerable that I spoke to my PCP. She convinced me to try an antidepressant. I’m so glad I did. The medication takes the edge off so that I don’t feel anxious and crazy anymore. It has enabled me to deal with all of these horrors that are totally out of my control. When you can’t get rid of the stressors all that’s left is figuring out how to deal with them.

May flowers

Quilting, I feel for everything you are going through. I often feel like I am in over my head and I am also considering ways to deal with the stress. There is no shame in that. One thing I am doing is making time for me, and doing something I used to enjoy even if I’m not leaving the house.

I keep saying this, to myself as much as anyone, this will pass even though it doesn’t feel that way in the middle of things…

As for the children, I have such a hard time not taking their trials on myself and wanting to fix things. There’s only so much we can do. We raise them as best we can and the choices at that point are theirs. It is so hard to let go, I know. You have enough now with your husband’s illness alone to handle. I have a son with epilepsy and that is so hard, I know. He lives with us but I know there is a time he will have to go out on his own. 

My MIL gave me really good advice on that, as my BIL was epileptic, she used to fret so much over him, but he did everything he wanted to do (and epileptics aren’t supposed to do) and he had an amazing, full life. She just had to let go of that worry over him, it is REALKY hard, I am not there yet. But I did manage to take the rubber bumpers off all the tables, lol.

((Hugs)))

Quilting brings calm

Update-   Good Rx -  Just wow.   We saw his doctor today and he gave us a printed prescription to take to Walmart.   Good Rx there $13 for a 30 day supply.  It would have  been $194 through Good Rx at Walgreens.  We would have  had to pay the $480 Medicare deductible plus whatever the copay was at Walgreens if we had used insurance.  Plus when I called Walgreens to void out the prescription request there, they still didn’t have preauthorization from the Medicare part D company. 

The doctor for is getting the ball rolling on his BPAP machine now that Medicare Part B and the G supplement are in place.  Should have that in a few days is what the supplier told the nurse. She called a few minutes ago. Doctor thinks sone of his medications will go away once he’s getting a good nights sleep most nights  

Day2-  my spouse’s health issues are not such that he can’t enjoy a vacation now.  The December condo was his idea and he wants the Hawaii trip too.  He wants to travel while his vision is suitable.   He just takes a lot of medications for his diabetes, doesn’t  have 20/20 vision  and will have a portable BPAP machine to take.  He’s had  a CPAP machine for years, but it’s no longer the correct machine for him. 

We are driving to Alabama in December and believe it or not, the monthly rate for the condo  is $90 per night.  To rent the same condo for two weeks in December costs more than the monthly rate.  The condo is our Christmas gifts to each other and to both of our adult sons. They are coming down for a few days around Christmas.    The Hawaii trip in January is two thirds of the way paid for,  one more installment to go.     I simply cannot stay in Illinois the entire winter after two separate compressed fractures of the vertebrae this last winter. 

My husband is not ‘threatening’.   He just cannot stand to see me as stressed out as I was overnight,  I woke him up twice to talk through my extreme stress.  So yes he was a little upset today and was adamant I get some help from a doctor.  Same advice my dear friends here are giving me.  I am his rock and he feels overwhelmed when I am overwhelmed.  He also had had a front row seat for the parental dysfunction for 32 years and wishes I could walk away from my step-dad, but doesn’t want me to walk away from mom 

For the rest of the commenters here: I do indeed need to talk to a counselor and get some medication for my anxiety….and  to discuss my parents.   

I did call my retiree health insurance a few minutes ago and finalize the removal of my spouse from them.  So that part is done, finished and in the rear view mirror.  So maybe that will help my stress  as that option is closed until next summer’s annual  open enrollment period. 

Our house will be paid for this month.  

dayn2nite2

It seems my response has upset you.  I suggested you ditch the vacations so you wouldn’t worry about the future money needed.

I was basing my “threatening” comment on prior posts of yours where he has said the same thing and your statement in the past that your mother’s situation was threatening your marriage.

I won’t respond on any other threads of yours as my suggestions and perception of your situation seem to be a source of upset.  Good luck to you.

Iris L.

Medications do help, but you also need an anti-anxiety technique.  My LCSW taught me about using deep breathing as an anti-anxiety technique.  It sounds too simple but it did work for me years ago when I had high anxiety when I first thought I might have Alzheimer's Disease.  I still use this technique because it is available at a moment's notice, and it always works to calm me.

What you posted is dementia related, because it is related to your dementia caregiving.  The members here are a vast fund of great knowledge about everything.  IMO, one cannot go wrong in posting, because even what one thinks might not be helpful, can indeed be helpful, because it helps one to clarify one's thoughts.

Iris

ButterflyWings

(((QBC))) - I am sending you double triple virtual hugs! I have not taken time to read all the posts thoroughly, as it is just crazy here (at my little MC for one - DH who is in fine form the last 24+ hours). However, in my quick skimming, I saw that you had some great GoodRx news and I am hoping and praying that you have many, many more small and large wins coming soon.

Please do take the next 6 months to intentionally, deliberately put yourself first. What I was going to say, is I think it sounds like some getaways are just what the doctor ordered. Even so much that even if you had to charge them, or take out a small loan, I'd say do it! We take out loans for so many other things in life...why not a little investment in yourself? You are doing so much for so many...you deserve it and it will ultimately benefit everyone to pamper yourself for a change.

The other thing I thought when I read your post is that I used to get near anxiety attacks when I had to leave my children for out of town business trips. Even though it was part of my job, and I had reliable care arranged...it was just stressful knowing those changes in routine were upcoming and that I'd be out of pocket in the unlikely event something might (never did) happen.

I hope and pray that the remaining things that are weighing on your heart and mind, will lighten up. My apologies that I have been slow to post -- I too am feeling pretty much stressed, borderline depleted, and hoping I don't fall off the cliff before I can pull myself back to safety. Because...well, there's no one else to do that, but me.

You have lots of love and friendship here on these boards. You have provided SO much wise counsel, caring feedback, and just genuine empathy -- even when there was no "solution", but kindness was the temporary cure. I thank you so much for that. And am sending it right back to you. Sounds like you need respite, and I hope you can take some short breaks long before your winter ones, which sound really, really awesome!!! Put you first. Just for now at least. Be well.

Quilting brings calm

Thank you BW- and thank you to all the commenters.   I feel like the Cindy Williams character ( angel in a mental institution ) on the Touched by an Angel episode.  She was reminded that all she had to do to get emotional help was to ask for it.  All I have to do to get support here is say I need it.  Sometimes I don’t word my posts ( or my replies in other threads) well or I just throw out a quick reply that understandably is misunderstood  - but you all somehow know I mean well or that I really really need help that day.  And I know the same about all of you. 

They say  Misery loves  company.  That’s not true.  I really hate to see BW and the rest of us in pain and frustration and depression.  I do think though that we help each other when we show that we are also dealing with pain and frustration and depression.  The feeling of being alone in it all becomes less that way. 

I slept well last night - 9 hours.  I feel better today - at least at this moment, ha! 

toolbeltexpert

QBC I can't add to what the others have written. I have felt the same way which brought me to the same place. Feeling like heart attack,  anxiety overload over all the stuff at once. Luckily it doesn't last forever. A good night sleep always does me good.

May flowers

Sleep makes a world of difference for me - I will go to bed feeling like I’m gonna have a panic attack and wake up and things don’t feel so overwhelming as they did the night before. 

I have said from the beginning of caregiving that I can handle a lot if I can get 10 hours of sleep. When my FIL was sundowning, I was losing it because I couldn’t sleep. Thank God, he sleeps now. If not, I would have to hire an overnight caregiver because I cannot handle that!

Jo C.

Dear Q; the stressors you deal with are monumental - it is good to be able to vent  - when I was dealing with my LOs with dementia, I used to come here and it was the kind folks on this Board who kept my head above water so I could breathe.

Just hearing their suggestions for some of the over the top problem issues gave me ways to think about helping  to deal with various problem issues I had not thought of.

Your trying to deal with your parents in Assisted Living; especially with your father's behaviors is a huge set of issues for which there is no easy answer.

The best advice I was ever given was from a Social Worker who made home calls for families whose LOs had dementia.  My mother had FTD and step-dad had Alz. at the same time. I was working fulltime and had to. They lived in their own home in a senior community with 24 hour care with my management and daily oversight. It was a dreadful situation; though highly compromised in some areas, they were still able to make their decisions no matter how bad the choices were.  I became exhausted trying to keep it together for everything and some of the things that fell out from behaviors was extremely high risk financially.

The Social Worker seeing my exhaustion advised me that things at this point would not change. She advised me they were safe and secure but that there was really nothing more I could do at that time frame.  She advised that at some point, the other shoe would drop and then I could step in.   She was right.  Eventually, the other shoe did indeed drop.

You are a kind, caring and loving person who is a wonderful advocate and are doing the best you can do under the circumstance with the challenges at hand.   Eventually, that other shoe will drop.

So hope you will have moments of respite for yourself, and your idea that you wish to continue on your vacation plans for the two trips gives something to look forward to for some much needed respite and enjoyment for just yourself and your DH.  Take good care and let us know how you are doing, we truly care and will be thinking of you.

J.