LO wants to go back home

Ltt31

My mom and dad who are in their 80s are suffering from dementia. They grew up in South East Asia and want to go back there to live out their days. They are constantly asking me to buy air plane tickets for them. This usually happens in the evenings when my mom gets worked up and depressed. 

What do I do? Or say to her? 

How do I talk her out of certain delusions she has? Such as her son and daughter in laws not wanting her around anymore? 

If I am able to set up time and a place for them to live in SE Asia, is it advisable to do this at all? My siblings and I all live in the US and we will be very far away from them. But I do think that it will make them very happy to be back in Asia.

I am morally conflicted.

Thanks for the advice.

Fairyland

Hi Ltt31

Welcome but sorry you need to be here.  I am a carer for my mom who is on another continent, except when I go over to her to try to sort out problems. I don’t really enjoy my visits there, it’s all unpaid work for me and uses up my own rest and recovery time, and it is also very disruptive and unfair to the rest of my family friends and colleagues, and especially my own kids. It’s not ideal but the best solution I can find.

Two things I would say, the costs of dementia care are very very high, and get higher as they get worse, especially with 2 people in the equation. They never improve.  And you have no idea how long it will last. So it MAY make sense for your family to arrange care in SE Asia. If it was me, I would want a second capable person, independent of the care arrangements, who was there to keep an eye on the care they were getting, and report back to me. 

The other is what you probably know, you will lose really big chunks of the remaining time on earth with your parents.

You mom may be sundowning, and it is very common for dementia patients to continually demand to go home, even if they are in the home they were born in!  So she may keep on complaining no matter what happens. It might represent a state of mind more than a physical location, a desire to return to comfort, health and happiness remembered from younger days.

Ltt31

Thank you for the helpful tips, Fairyland. 

Its also a hard decision cos now my brother, sister and I are not on the same page of where my parents can get the best care. The way I see it, perhaps their happiness is more important than the best level of care. But it's a difficult trade-off. 

harshedbuzz

Ltt31-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your need to be here but glad you found the site,

There are a lot of moving pieces to this-- especially with both parents having suffered a cognitive shift. Fairyland alluded to the near universality of a desire to go home at a certain stage in mid to late dementia. For many "Home" is more a feeling of security, relief from confusion or a function of a kind of "time travel" that comes as newer memories are lost in the relentless progression of damage to the brain.

But the bottom line is that, at a certain point, safety becomes the goal. With the apathy so common to dementia, happiness may just not be possible. Safe, clean, cared for, checked on by family may be as good as you can make this situation for them. 

A return to country-of-origin can make sense at times. One thing that often happens is that PWD lose languages acquired later in life which can make it hard if family and professional caregivers don't speak the other language. My friend's mom increasingly spoke German in the last year of her life which made things difficult around care as daughter's German was basic at best. They had a HHA who spoke German for a time, but she quit to take care of her own mom back in Germany. It can also make sense if the parents is not a U.S. citizen and can not use Medicare/Medicaid for the care. 

If you were to honor a wish to move "home", who would oversee their care? Who would be on hand to protect them from physical, emotional or financial abuse? Many PWD have anosognosia where they are unable to appreciate the ways in which they are impaired and can not see the futility of them living away from family. As the disease progresses, there will be falls and medical emergencies along the way which would make them being 12 time zones away a hardship for all involved. 

If they can get care here, I would keep them here. 

Does someone in the family have the necessary legal paperwork to make decisions on their behalf? This can be useful if a POA exists that allows one person to be making these decisions. If this hasn't been done, you may still be able to get it done, otherwise guardianship may be needed to make decisions for them.

HB

MN Chickadee

It's quite possible you could move them back to SE Asia and they will still be asking to go home and your mom will still not be happy. This is common with dementia. Home is probably more of a feeling than a place. When my mother was still in her house, the place she lived for 40 years and raised her kids, she still asked to go home. She still got sundowners in the evenings, she still had anxiety, she still was a handful when she got worked up in the evenings. Just as she was later once we moved her to a memory care facility. Decisions cannot always be made in the hopes of pleasing whatever your parents' current desires are, they aren't able to think straight. To whatever degree possible of course try to accommodate them, but for the big stuff decisions need to be made for the best possible care and outcomes for them. This depends on their finances, residency status, and what resources, care options, and family are available here versus back in Asia, and more. But it needs to be about their care needs and what serves them best. Chasing what you feel will bring them happiness will likely be an ever changing game. If it is indeed the fact that being here would  be the best way for them to get care and proper supervision and safety, I would utilize therapeutic fibs. You are looking into plane tickets. It will take a while, the pandemic is too bad back home right now. Flights are full. Flights are cancelled. Let's wait until the price comes down this winter. Let's wait until some holiday. Until I have some time off work to take you. I will research the travel next week. Next month. They will forget and you may do this over and over. These are the things we have to do once their broken minds can't process logic. These phases change and you will be on to the next thing before you know it.

Ltt31

Thank you all for all the suggestions and thoughtful points. Really helpful for me to think through the decisions for them.

mommyandme (m&m)

I’m sorry to say but their “happiness” may be fleeting.  Your mental and/or physical health with trying to care for them long distance may be damaged.  You are also an important part of this equation.  I planned so many things which might make my mom happy that stalled out, kind of quickly. 

I sincerely hope you find a solution that works out for all of you.