Funeral HELP

Gthoma

Does anyone have experience taking their LO to a sibling's funeral and be glad you did? Anyone have experience NOT taking their LO to the funeral and regret not taking them? Why? 

Thanks in advance.

Jo C.

That is dependent on the individual.  Would the person understand what was going on? Would a service for a LO be upsetting?  How does the person deal with strange, new places; how does the person deal with noise; how does the person deal with strange faces in crowded places?  Will this bring bad feelings of loss at a funeral?  Does this person have the capacity and tolerance to sit quietly for an hour or so for the service as well as the time spent pre-service and post-service?  Is the person continent or will incontinence and need for urgent toilet accessibility become a problem? 

A friend just had her mother at her father's service; she lives in MC and she did okay but was horribly exhausted afterward and very uncomfortable.   We did not take our step-dad to our mother's service.  He never would have been able to tolerate strangers in a crowd nor would he have been able to sit for an hour through a service plus pre and post service time.  He also gets easily upset when away from home and new places are threatening to him and incontinece and urgent toileting needs were also issues.  Mostly, the concern was for his tolerance and emotional well-being.

Also, might be a good idea to explore why would the LO with dementia go to the service?  Would he/she know it was a funeral and does he/she retain the memory of the LO who has died?  Is the presence at the funeral for the good of the person with dementia, or is it for appearances for other reasons not specifically for the person with dementia . . . if you examine the reason for attendance closely and think about the individual's capabilities and tolerance as mentioned above, you will probably arrive at your answer whether or not to have your LO attend funeral services.

J.

J.

Joydean

My husband’s sister passed away in January, they had always been close and she and I were closer than sisters. I loved that lady and knowing she had passed was very hard for me. But I did not tell my husband because I knew he could not emotionally handle it. I could not do that to him and really there’s nothing that would change anything. Why would I choose to cause him pain and maybe indirectly cause he to decline more. My heart was hurting because I wanted to be there. but I know she’s in heaven and in no more pain. There are times I wonder did I make the right decision, but I honestly would not have changed it.  My decision was based on do I take a chance to cause him more pain or confusion or stay on the course we are on.  We all make the best decision we can, then live with it.  Best of luck to you!

Jo C.

I agree that if a person with dementia would be horribly upset about a death, then it is best to take the path of kindness.   Same with a LO who forgets that someone has died such as their spouse, parent, sibling, etc.,  When they ask where that person is because of memory loss, I also prefer to take the path of kindness and simply say they are at work, or on a trip, or visiting another relative and then refocusing the person. I cannot imagine making a person with dementia having to relive their shock and grief over and over again by being told of the death each time they ask.

However; when my mother died, my step-dad despite his dementia was fully aware and could remember that.   As discussed above, we did not take him to the memorial service for that variety of reasons. He knew there would be a "funeral" but he was glad not to have to attend as being away from home caused him great anxiety and stress.

Always it is what is best for the person with dementia and not to worry about what people might say if the pwd is not at a relative's funeral. 

I am not certain if the funeral you are discussing is a close relative or not, but in any case such losses are still difficult.  I hope all is well with you and that it all turns out to be okay.

J.