short-lived

M1

I know fluctuations are to be expected, but I was so hopeful that we'd turned a corner and I would be able to spend time with my partner on a regular basis.  No such luck.  I tried again to take lunch yesterday, and while it had worked very well on Tuesday, it didn't work at all yesterday.  She was unhappy, crying,  upset, said she was "up to here" with being there and couldn't take it much longer.  Back to the "just need to be with you" and furious with any excuses about the house being worked on ("that's what I do, do you not remember that, I need to be there or it won't be done right").  So I only stayed about 15 minutes and then left.

According to friends who had visited on Thursday she did not remember my having been there on Tuesday.  So I'm not sure what the difference is.  Two thoughts come to mind:  she does remember, on some level, and I'm still a trigger for being upset and wanting to leave.  But there's also a new resident who is vocal and stuck on repeat; she sits in a corner in a wheelchair calling out "help me" every ten seconds, 24/7.  I think it's upsetting everyone there.  

Nothing to do but keep trying I guess.  But we're at the 4-month mark.  I still think the other shoe is going to drop, and she's going to give up soon and quit eating.  Hope I'm wrong, but I'm worried about it.  And they are already worried about her weight.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I am so sorry to hear this. But I am hopeful that it will be soon when you can sit with her and have some peace.

Pam BH

M1, I'm so sorry to hear your visit didn't go well. Hopefully she'll forget this visit also and the next one will be more pleasant. I know it was difficult for you, but I had to smile when she reminded you that "That's what I do, do you not remember that" when talking about the house. She still has her sense of humor and desire to do things. Is there any kind of small project you can bring her to work on? I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to suggest but it came to mind as I'm looking for one of DH's fishing reels to "break" and give it to him to work on. Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ed1937

M1, that's terrible! I really felt that the table had been turned. But with this disease,  you really can't know. I know they say to have low expectations, but when you had a visit like you did last time, your hope and expectations had to have been high. I'm sorry to hear you are still dealing with this. You and your partner will remain in my prayers.

Jo C.

What an awful disappointment, M.  I hold out hope that the next visit will be better.  Perhaps she was very annoyed and bothered by the other patient's constant yelling out and it raised resistance from stress.   It may also be better to let some days go by between visits.

The day will come where this will not be an issue.  I wonder if a family member brings up the emotionally disturbing behavior of the new patient, if clinical staff will not work with that woman's physician to adjust her medication; not only for the other residents relief, but also for the poor woman herself who is suffering.

One foot in front of the other, gently moving forward and trying again.  You are doing your very best; no one could do better.  I am so sorry for the hurt this is bringing and hope that soon, all visits will be in a more positive realm.

J.

Joydean

M1, I’m sorry. I’m not a medical person but I was just re-reading your post. She seems to remember the work she did, but that’s the fib that you are using, what if you change your fib? Maybe she thinks you don’t trust her to help with repairs, or something along that line. Just thinking outside the box. Please take care.

M1

I agree Joydean, fibs about remodeling/repair work feed right into that.  I need help coming up with something different, it's hard to know what.  Maybe I could make up some fib about my daughter needing surgery or some such.  Or her husband.  I don't know if that would work any better.  Open to ideas if anyone else has one.

Joydean

Again just my feelings because your wife is still very much with it, your daughter is (I’m guessing) is also her daughter so again major concern on wife’s part. Was she in  the plumbing part of house? Some kind of big pest problems?  Anything that she was not working with, children to me would definitely be off limits because she does seem to be aware of a lot! 

I’m sure others are better at this, just trying to be helpful!  Sure hope and pray something will work! 

ImMaggieMae

M1, I’m so sorry to hear that, especially after your last visit went so well. I bet it is that resident sitting and crying out every 10 seconds that is making her agitated. I think it would bother anyone, dementia or not, to have to listen to that. She is already anxious about being there so it can’t help. Could you talk to the nurses about finding some way to manage that? Surely she isn’t the only one who is bothered by it. 

Joydean’s suggestion of a pest problem at the house sounds reasonable. With inspections, etc., that could maybe be stretched out for a while. Or maybe she was just having a bad day and will go back to where she was at your last visit. It’s so hard to know with this disease. You are both in my prayers.

Beachfan

Sorry, M1, I thought she was coming around.  It must be so frustrating, but take your cue from Winston Churchill - - NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP.

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jfkoc

Pests sounds good also could you be needed elsewhere? Maybe her Dr says she is not ready to leave yet.

Then the horrible of horribles...have you considered not visiting or visiting without her knowing?

NylaBlue

M1, I guess any fib to do with construction or design problems will be hard to carry off, but how about an environmental issue? You could tell her it was discovered that a previous owner of your property (or even better, an adjacent property) allowed hazardous chemicals to be dumped in some remote corner and the government has declared it too dangerous for anyone to be in the area until the problem is investigated and remediated by the EPA. This could go on for a long time and we know how slowly the government moves.

Stuck in the middle

You had a bat problem a while back, maybe it got worse?

Pat6177

I’m sorry your visit went poorly. That’s so discouraging. But I must say, if I had to listen to someone yell “help me” every 10 seconds, I would be crying, upset, would have had it up to here and desperately want to leave. I agree with Jo C. that a chat with management might help. I don’t think it will matter what fib you use, as long as there’s that constant irritant, your partner will want to leave, to get away from that noise. Maybe you can get your partner moved to a different building where it’s quieter? Maybe some noise canceling headphones as an interim solution? I’m sorry you keep running into these issues.

White Crane

M1, I am so sorry.  After your visit on Tuesday I thought things were looking up.  This disease is a beast and we never know from one day to the next how our loved one will react.  Praying it goes better next time and she will adjust soon.

mrahope

FWIW, could you say you moved something in the basement and found mold?  Mold abatement could take a really long time.

Jeff86

You are understandably discouraged, M1.  We were all hopeful, on your behalf, that your partner has turned a corner.   You’ll have to muster all the patience you can to outwait this regrettably protracted adjustment period.   Thinking of you both.