When to split a couple?

StepKlet

My father and Jane, his wife of 20 years, both have dementia and moved into memory care at Thanksgiving. She has always been angry and paranoid and he is passive. They were sleeping in separate bedrooms at their house so we got them single rooms next door to each other in the assisted living residence. They immediately coupled up in Jane's room so we switched them to a double together. The Jane's behavior includes tantrums, holding onto my dad's belt loop instead of using her cane and, most recently, insisting that he wear her Depends even though there is no evidence that he has incontinence issues. When she is angry, my dad's confusion rises in tandem and it's difficult for staff and family to watch when he seems so vulnerable. Dad married Jane when he was of sound mind would prefer to stay with her, but I do wonder whether there comes a point when we should consider moving them to different locked corridors of the residence where they can see each other for visits but not for living together. My siblings want immediate change and are upset with me for not making this change right now, but I know it would be very disruptive to Dad, Jane, Jane's family, and the staff -- at least at the beginning --- so I want to make sure I do my best to be thoughtful about this decision. Any advice?

Quilting brings calm

So they were next door to each other in assisted living… but you now are discussing separate locked units? Do they now both need memory care, hence the locked units?   I am just trying to understand the actual environment. 

If you a) can afford separate units, and b) think they would not end up in the same room again … then go for it.   I would split my parents up if they could afford two apartments in their assisted  living facility because they can’t get along either.  

StepKlet

Thanks for your reply. Yes, they both have dementia and need assisted living. We can afford the second room. On the outside, it appears that they don't get along, but for the two of them they want to be together. I'm just not sure when Dad doesn't get to choose anymore.

sandwichone123

I think the two hallways sounds like an excellent idea if they can get together for meals and activities. I've worked with couples that had this living arrangement (smiles at fond memories of these folks). They could look forward to time together, but always had an out where someone whose judgement is still intact could decide it's time to go their separate ways for a while.