So many changes!

abc123

My mother is declining quickly now. Eating less than two ounces of baby food per day and not much interest in water/milk. We offer her food and liquids several times a day. We do not force her to eat or drink because we are concerned about aspiration. She pockets her food and liquids. She is so thin, it’s hard to see her like this. She was always such a healthy person. I let the nighttime caregiver go yesterday. She wasn’t giving my mom the nighttime dose of morphine until I told her to do it. I was having to stay awake until 1am to make sure mom got the morphine. The situation with this woman had gotten out of hand. She would cry and tell me how hard it was for her to see my mom like this. She was hired through a small local agency. I spoke to her boss and told him I think she needs some mental help. Her mother died 8 years ago and apparently she has not had time to properly grieve. By letting her go, I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I can focus on my own mother. When it comes to caregivers, I have had an experience of a lifetime! 

Tomorrow is mom & dad’s 63rd wedding anniversary. My brother is coming with his wife and teenaged daughter. My sister is coming with her husband. My daughter is here as of last night. We will have a cake and flowers with the immediate family. I am hoping and praying that it all goes well, no drama between the siblings.

  

One of the nurses thinks mom has 2 to 3 weeks to live. I feel like it could be any day now.

I have two laptops and they are both down. It’s difficult to use my phone for the forum because of arthritis and poor vision. I’m about 99% sure my dad has some type of dementia due to the head injury from falling on the ice last winter. One of my greatest fears was losing both parents to this disease I hate so much.

Please take good care of yourselves and remember you all are always in my thoughts and prayers.

   

Pat6177

So good to hear from you and thank you for the update. I’ve been thinking about you and your parents. I’m sorry your mom has declined, it has to be hard to watch this. You are such a loving  caregiver. I know your mom appreciates all you are doing for her. Sorry the night shift caregiver was so needy and glad to hear that you stopped the drain on yourself by firing her. 

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and I hope it goes well. Keeping you and your folks in my prayers. Take care.

May flowers

Ditto to everything Pat posted, you have taken such good care of your mom and it must be so hard to see her wasting away. It is hard when caregivers don’t understand. Ours is wonderful regarding his care, but there are many times I don’t think she grasps just where he is and I wonder how hard this will be for her in the days to come.

Prayers and hugs…

M1

Abc will be thinking of you too, have been.  From what your are describing I also bet it's less than 2-3 weeks.  

Hope the family gathering is a good one.

Let us know when you can.  We are with you in spirit.  

Quilting brings calm

Abc…. Thank you so much for updating us.  I hope the computer situation gets fixed soon, although I totally understand that it’s way down on your priority list right now.  Maybe those teenagers can help.  I also hope that your sister and her husband don’t upset you or your dad like they did during setting up his new home.  It will be hard since tensions will be high at this time.  

I’m sorry the nighttime caregiver was such a drain on your emotions and sleep.  She really needs to limit her caregiving to people much earlier in the progression of this disease, or to people with physical issues only.  

I’m so sorry that your mom has reached this stage.  You’ve done all you can do by getting your parents moved to your location, getting him settled and keeping mom at your place.  Please try to rest, given that you will be up at night now too. 

FYI- regarding your dad’s fall.   My mom fell in 2013, had a skull fracture.  The doctors at the time ( they were wintering down south) said there was no brain swelling, a neurologist ( up north) reviewing the MRI a few weeks later said there had been.   It took her about  18 months to regain her sense of taste, smell, and balance.  She used a walker for about that long. She was a little fuzzy brain wise too.      Maybe your Dad is on a projectory like that- and might improve in the next few months with rest and a reduction in stress now that he’s in your area.  Mom was then pretty good for about 5 years or so when we started noticing things off in her cognitive function. 

toolbeltexpert

Abc I keep you in my prayers. Your absence was noted by so many. I echo what the others have as well. Wishing a great time for your family to celebrate another milestone anniversary.  And please get some rest for you. Caregivers are the worst at taking care of themselves.

Joydean

Abc, thank you for sharing this update. I have been wondering how you and your mom are, so sorry about her declining. I guess she doesn’t watch her birds, I was thinking how much she enjoyed that. I hope your family has a very nice get-together for your parents anniversary.prayers for all of you. I do hope you can get some rest before all the family shows up. Take care.

Battlebuddie

Battle Buddy here.

  Thank you ABC123 for your update. I’ve been thinking about you and your mom.  

I’m sorry she is where she is. But it does seem like she is down to weeks now. It’s so hard.

I’m glad you dismissed the caregiver. I understand completely . I had a similar situation with a Hospice Aide that I ended up cutting back. She would come to bathe my husband and would spend the whole time discussing her very stressful drama filled life over my husband in a anxious voice . The whole thing was really about her issues not my husbands. I also just came to the same conclusion, that it would just be less stress to do it my self. 

   I think that party sounds nice. I hope everyone behaves. And who doesn’t like cake and flowers? I hope there is some comfort in being together. 

   Hang in there girl. You have done a wonderful job and you are admired by many here 

abc123

It’s so nice to hear from you all. Thank you for your support! My brother didn’t come today. Everyone was disappointed. My dad didn’t say much about it but I could clearly see that his feelings were hurt. I felt especially sad for my mother. I really think she was expecting him to be here.  This was the phone conversation with my brother:

Him -Hello

Me- Hi! Just checking in with you to see if your on schedule.

Him- I’m not coming today. I’ll come tomorrow.

Me- What? Your not coming today?

Him- I’m not coming today, I’ll come tomorrow. I love you. Bye. Then he hung up. 

I think the best thing I can do is let it go, let him go. My youngest sibling and only brother. We have always been close. If I could get Momma safely in my car I’d be tempted to run away with her! Leave the majority of knuckleheads behind. I feel lost, sad and scared- all at the same time.

SusanB-dil

Agree with other posts - thank you for the update. Glad you let the night-care go. With feeling such a relief, you know you did the right thing. 

((hugs)) 

yeah - we all hate 'this'!  

sorry brother didn't show on the specified day. It would have been nice with everyone there, but guess he had his reasons...

You take care of you!

Joydean

I’m sorry your brother didn’t show and he didn’t even tell you why. Sometimes just knowing why makes it just a little easier. Mostly for your mom! It’s so hard to see the one you love being disappointed and knowing you can’t fix it hurts even more. Running away sounds like a good idea but you know it would not change a single little thing. You are your mom’s rock and her strength and you always have been. You are doing an amazing love experience with your mom. I didn’t say job because it’s a labor of love. Take care of yourself and please know you are cared about by so many!

​fesk

abc123, I'm glad you checked in. Also, glad you got rid of the caregiver, but sorry that responsibility is now yours.  You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

mommyandme (m&m)

abc123, 

Thanks for sharing with us.  I can always read the hope and peace in your posts.  Seems even though you’re life is difficult and often anguished, the love you have for your mom and dad and family shines through.  You’re an awesome person and caregiver.  Thanks for your updates.  

Olly_Bake

abc123, Just doing a ditto. Thinking of you and your family! Sorry to hear about the recent health development with your mom.

TessC

Hi abc,

We have been forum friends for a long time and although my mother has been gone almost 3 years, I still recall vividly this last stage. Full of sadness and heartache for me and my family, and a time of pain or dreaming for my mother.

 If I could do anything differently for my mother in her last stage, it would be to with her more because the end is close at hand and I wish now I had spent more time with her. Use this time to rub scented lotion on her, comb her hair, sing her songs, play her favorite music, spread some honey on her lips, spray her linens with scent of lemon or lavender. Relax in her presence and relish being near her loving soul. There will be plenty of time later to deal with your brother. There will even be time later to worry about your father, Don't get distracted from your what you want to do at this time for and with your mother.

You'll want to know you gave her the best of yourself. That is all that our parents ever asks of us. We don't have to be perfect-very few of us can be- if it is even possible.

Please accept my sincere wishes that you and your mother and father find solace in a fact they had a long marriage, a happy life together raising their children and you will be at peace knowing they lived a long, fruitful, meaningful life.  Hugs!!

ImMaggieMae

abc123 I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You didn’t need the caregiver problem at this point, but glad you got rid of her. Do you have anyone else that can help? I’m sorry too that your brother didn’t come to the anniversary party. Maybe it was just too much for him with everyone around. I hope he shows up today.

Please take care of yourself. I hope one of the relatives was able to fix your computer so it would be easier to be here.

Jo C.

Dear abc 123, it is good to hear from you, I had been wondering how you were doing.  Not only has this family gathering been an anniversary honor, it seems it is also very much a celebration of your mother in what may well be final visits by the family.

Just best to let go of who did not show up on a particular day and not bring the topic up. Brother is going to show up and be there, and it is good that he is there despite it being  a different day; it is okay to let go of that, it is not important in the scope of what is happening.

You have been a loving and deeply caring daughter; Tess wrote a beautiful Post and she gifts us with her experience and wisdom. 

May all go more smoothly now as you spend the final days of your mother's journey with her. When my mother passed, it felt like an honor to be with her as she left this earth despite the grief that was felt. 

Perhaps when things smooth out, you can have someone bring your laptop to a computer repair place for you and get it up and running so you have it for ease of use and vision. I recently had to do just that for my laptop.  

Soft hug is being sent to you down the electronic tether,

J.

ButterflyWings

(((abc123))), sending so much love your way. You must have so many angels watching over you and your dear mom and dad right now. For sure your fellow caregivers here have expressed their tremendous support and encouragement for you at this last mile of such a long journey.

You are an inspiration and I just want to add my positive energy to all that is being directed to you. I too am glad you released the nighttime aide as it was yet another person for you to console and accommodate, which is backwards! 

And I too have a sibling who was a no-call no show at times like this (after promising to be there). I found it curious the first time. Then did not anticipate anything different the 2nd time. I decided it wasn't my business nor my problem so I didn't even ask what happened. I think it was for the best. You are wise to let it go. He couldn't meet those expectations, or he likely would have. Best for you to focus on you and your mom as Tess suggested, and not worry about anything else if that is possible for the next few days. You are amazing.

I understand how surreal this all is, having been where you are, and am thinking of you as are so many others. Wouldn't it be nice to have a hospice perk that could bring a loaner laptop or geek squad repair? Maybe the teens and young adults can indeed fix it. Keep breathing.

Ed1937

Abc, I just saw this thread, and I wish the best for you and the family in these very trying days. You have been all you could be for your parents, and I'm sure they realize that nobody could have done better for them..

Re: your brother - you have to let it go. Is it even possible that he kept his distance because of a possible altercation? Whatever his reason, you just have to let it go. Hanging on to a bitter feeling will not be productive for the coming days or anytime in the future.

You did the right thing getting rid of the caregiver. You surely don't need to have someone else to watch over. You have more than enough now.

I hope things went as well as they could today. Please just try to be near your mother now. She needs it, and so do you. 

GothicGremlin

Thinking of you, abc123.  I'm also just seeing this thread too, and I'm so sorry that your brother didn't show, for whatever his reasons.  I'm in the same spot with my own brother (also the youngest) - you're right to let it go. Let him go (for now).  I'm hoping he showed up today and that all went well.