Body Language

MaryG123

Hi all, and thanks again for your support and understanding.  Every day I read something here that helps me.  I am a retired veterinarian and love to study animal behavior.  The other evening, my DH had a panic attack, jumped out of bed, and ran out the front door.  His face had the look of a trapped wild animal.  We had had an argument about an hour earlier that probably triggered it.  I kept my distance and watched as he paced the yard, and eventually returned to bed.  Since then I’ve noticed that same frightened look a few times, and find that if I back off, give him some space, avoid eye contact, and relax my own body, as I would with a spooky horse, he calms down more quickly.  It seems the worst thing I can do is ask him a question or try to get him to explain why he feels like he does.  Some of you have mentioned how our moods affect our DO’s moods and behavior, and now I get what you’re saying.  I think he is affected by my body language and moods more than my words, and even a faked smile and pat on the shoulder seems to help reduce his anxiety.

Ed1937

Thanks for the post. When someone has a panic attack, the first thing we think of is talking to them. Glad that seems to work well for you.

Rick4407

 Hello Mary,  I have found that arguments do not work.  No logic, explanations, or pointing out of consequences work.  My DW brain is broken. 

It is surprising how perceptive they can be to tone of voice or body language while still ignoring common sense.

I avoid all arguments by agreeing with whatever she wants.  Visiting Mom, going to the park, going “home”.   I say ”I really want to do that too!”.  I really miss ___”.   Then I just say we will as soon as we can.  Right now, “mom is on vacation”, “the park is closed”, “the telephone lines are down”, “the government says no travel due to the virus”, “the car needs work”, etc.  The same response works every day every time since my DW will not remember.  Agree then defer or delay.   With my DW it has worked for 4 years or so.  I’ve completely taken “no” out of my vocabulary.  My DW hears enthusiasm in my response and believes me. 

Other will have other ideas.  Good Luck, Rick   

MaryG123

Yes, tone of voice makes a huge difference, for sure.  Thank you.

May flowers

I call it the fight or flight look, no amount of redirection or body language helps when my FIL (stage 7c) is like that. I have to leave him alone or give him meds. In earlier stages the body language, calmness and redirection really worked though.

MaryG123

Yes, that’s it, fight or flight.  It makes sense when I think about how confusing his life is right now, and he’s aware of the losses, so scary.

Jewelsrr

Maryg since you have that experience with animals you might benefit too from reading/ watching YouTube about polyvagal theory and social engagement. I am a trauma therapist so I work to notice the reactions I am having to my clients and now trying to do the same with DH. I say trying as we jut finally confirmed Alzheimer’s and he has wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening previously. Now in this week since I am really trying to step into this role of being the regulator and noticing how much he is relaxing into allowing me to guide him. It’s a lot of responsibility on us so I am also trying to scale back my work hours and gain more support so I can be there. Another layer of grief. Not what I thought I would be doing at 51.

eaglemom

It seems everyday is a new learning experience, doesn't it. And it keeps changing. Its good you've learned about your body language and how to address that.

Even though when our LO has anxiety they usually don't want a hug, but possibly just a simple loving touch on the shoulder does wonders also. Just that human contact that shows them you are there for them. And the other thing that works is music. Music they used to like to listen to. Music that your LO remembers - from their youth, high school, dances, etc. Music and a touch can change things very quickly.

eagle

MaryG123

Great ideas, thanks so much!  I’ll check out the polyvagal theory, and we both love to listen to the music of our youth.  I’ve learned to ask if he wants a hug, and often give him a pat instead.  Sigh.