Weekend Admission Through VA Hospital Emergency Room

jmlarue

Friday evening brought another round of scary hallucinations and violent aggression from my DH. Incidents like this had happened 4 or 5 times over the past 2 weeks, where DH has lashed out at me with broad, open-hand slaps directed at my face and head. I've managed to duck and dodge to avoid any real injury. I'd been advised by his VA geri-psych to get aid for committing him for a psych eval and treatment by calling 911 for transport to our local hospital ER. Friday night's melt-down was a turning-point when I managed to avoid a round-house punch with a closed-fist. I grabbed my "bug-out bag," got in the car and parked within eyesight of the house while I dialed 911. The violent behavior was clearly escalating and I needed to act.

Similar to Toolbelt's experience, this was an utter failure when DH refused transport by the responding Medics and LEOs, with claims that "their hands were tied" because he did not lash out at them. Thus, they couldn't say that he presented an imminent danger to himself or others. I didn't feel safe to return and remained watchful from the parked car until 4 am - (about 2 hours after lights went out and I guessed he'd gone to sleep). I returned, but remained awake and planned my next move. Like many of us can report, I knew that he would awaken calm and with no memory of his actions the night before. Unlike previous times, I took advantage of this early-morning return to some sanity to tell him what he had done, that I was afraid of him, and would permanently leave if he refused to go to the hospital for medical treatment. There were many protests, of course, but he finally agreed.

We made the long 2-hour drive to his VA hospital in Seattle and was easily admitted through their ER. I dismissed any suggestion that they treat and release him to go home. Just kept repeating, "I don't feel safe and he is your responsibility to stabilize him before I'll consider it." Their problem was that they couldn't figure out where to place him - it's the weekend and there's no big-wigs to advise. After 4 hours, my resolve was weakening and DH was beginning his late-afternoon escalation in anxiety and demands to go home. I signaled the nurse and told her I was leaving and asked that the attending doctor call me when they had a plan of action for my DH. I was pleasant, but firm. Turned on my heels and walked out.

This morning's update was that he'd spent the night in the ER without incident. He'd been seen by an on-call psychiatrist, but still no decision made where he would go next. They gave him some make-work chores (like folding towels) and the evening progressed without major incident. They said he slept well. I am quite sure this wouldn't have been the outcome if I had remained with him overnight. It was hard, but the best decision I made was to let go and walk-away. I was told he would probably remain in the ER until Monday and was invited to visit him. That's a firm "No." I won't give them or him another chance to manipulate me into taking him home. The ball is firmly in their court, now. I'm going to pour myself another cup of tea and rest. This is my first respite in 4 years and, doggone it, I deserve it. The hardest part is letting go. I'll continue to be a strong advocate for his care but, for now, it will at a distance.

MaryG123

I’m so relieved that you’re safe, and impressed with your inner strength and courage!   You definitely deserve a well earned rest.

Ed1937

Jm, you did the right thing. There's no doubt about that. It's probably something that needed to be done before, but I know how emotional that can be. Do not second guess yourself. You absolutely have to be safe yourself. There's no telling what could come next. I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot, and hopefully they will be able to do whatever it takes to get him stabilized.

Joydean

Jmlarue, so glad you are safe and so is your dh. You know you did the right thing for both of you. Just stay strong and don’t let them try to change your mind. Have a couple of cups of tea! Try to get the rest you definitely need. Prayers for you and your dh. Because this is the VA I really want to know what they do. Please don’t take that the wrong way, because we are dealing with the VA too.

Quilting brings calm

Jmlarue-    Thank goodness you held firm - both to get him to the ER and to leave him there.  Thank goodness the ER staff didn’t do something incredibly stupid like releasing him on his own demand.  I’m so glad you were safe - you were the one on this forum that I worried most about these last couple days.  So many of you have had to go through the ER process the last couple weeks  

You must have been exhausted by the time you got home with so little( or no) sleep and that long round trip drive. Please rest, and drink all the tea( and whatever else ) you want.  Along with eating well too.  Get some sleep.   Do not go back to the hospital until he has moved on to a geri-psych unit and it’s just for an actual visit.   And, if like toolbox expert, you need to take a minute, hour, day, week, month before that visit, then do so. 

Mint

Larue I’m glad you were blessed to remain able to think straight and stay safe.

abc123

You definitely did the right thing. I am happy to know you are safe! You made the best choice for each of you! You are one strong lady. Good for you!

toolbeltexpert

Jmlarue I am glad you are safe and you obviously used the wisdom from this forum. I am sad as well, it doesn’t get easier, I am afraid to say and I know you know that. The safty tact you set sail with is the right course. And I think it will make geripsych possible. I had Leo's three times, it was my neighbor who convinced her to go. That is so frustrating. Stay the course your on. I am hoping my first choice is gonna happen. Because 4000 is something I can do short term, very short term. Get any rest you can, you'll need it, you have to be totally exhausted. Your not alone. My prayers will continue for all who are in the same stage we are in as well as the ones before and after this stage. I know I sounded like I was gonna falter and maybe bring her home, but that's not realistic, but it is so heart breaking. It's been 1 week now since it all started for me. Someone from my home church is going to visit in 30 min from right now,  she has with a card from me, happy cat pictures, and flowers from one of her best friends..

M1

Another voice of support.  Yes indeed, you did the right thing.  Every time I rue my partner being in MC (which is multiple times a day), I remember what so many reminded me of the time:  she threatened me with a knife.  I had no choice and neither did you.  He may well be better off in the care of folks who are not emotional triggers.

loveskitties

Jmlarue, I am so very glad that both you and your DH are now in safer situations.

You have done all the right things for you both.

Hoping that the VA can and will help.

ImMaggieMae

I am so glad you’re safe. It’s frightening that the medics wouldn’t take him to the hospital after the threats and attempted attacks on you. Does someone need to be injusred or killed before they will transport them? I’m glad you were able to get him to the hospital the following morning and you did right by insisting that they keep him there. That he is a danger to himself and to you are the magic words to get him assessed and medication to control the behaviors if that is possible. Please try and get some rest while you can. What an awful thing to go through.

Jo C.

So very glad that you are safe and had the strength to make the decisions you did.  Sometimes working with the VA is like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall; the only way is to stay the course is to stand firm and keep repeating what he has been doing that makes him a severe danger and life threatening in the home.

Well done, and so hope you are able to get some much needed rest and that he gets admtted to the VAs long term care facility. 

J.

jmlarue

Thank you all for your words of support. There's been so many times I've needed propping up and this caregiver family always comes through. I also want to thank all of you who openly share your experiences of the dementia journey here - the wins, the losses, good decisions and bad ones. I especially value the whines, the vents, and the tales of woe. Through you I've learned so much about the value of patience but, more important to me, I've learned great lessons on being resilient. These posts and replies always produce clarity to the challenges caregivers face and possible ways to overcome them - or, at the very least, how to endure them with an attitude of "This, too, shall pass." I'd like to give a special shout out to folks like Ed, Toolbelt, M1, Gig, Paris and all the others who've faced or are currently facing the necessary placement of their loved ones. I've been able to draw on your personal experiences to be forewarned about the hard choices I might have to make to care for myself as well as my DH.

I know that I still have an obstacle course to run and there may be pain yet to come - yes, I'm speaking to the others who see themselves as unwilling "triggers." We'll continue to forge ahead with a little help from our friends. Right?

As an update: DH has officially been admitted to the psych unit at the VA hospital. The psychiatrist I spoke to today continually referred to his remaining there "for a few days." I continually reminded him that I could not allow DH to return home unless his violent behavior was no longer a threat. He did not mention the possibility of visiting. I'm glad of that. I have no intention of it. I'm sure it would not help my DH in any way. More likely, it would reinforce a feeling of abandonment every time I had to leave. I don't want to do that to him.

Joydean - What can I say about dealing with the VA? It's all ex-military and big government controlled. There are hoops to jump through, filling in the proper forms, and complying with insensible, yet mandatory, processes. For example, I will soon be hearing from a "Crisis Care Manager" who will interview me to see if I can justify the notion that DH is incompetent to care for himself and must be detained in a psych unit without his consent. I find that a little insulting. On the other hand, it's good to know that the VA is trying to protect my DH's Constitutional right to liberty from people who may have a bad motive. Whatever, it is what it is with the VA. Jump through the hoops and in the end your loved one will get what they need and deserve for their service. Feel free to private message me with any specific concerns. I may not have the answer. It's a "learn as you go" experience.

Joe C.

jmlarue, I hope your husband get help & medications to control his behaviors. In the meantime I also hope you can unwind from all the stress you have been under while he is hospitalized.

Buggsroo

Jmlarue, You might like to add a little something to that cup of tea. You ha e been through the wringer. You did the right thing for sure. Honestly, what if he had injured you. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. I do believe you cannot bring him home. I admire your strength, but sometimes if something is broken, it can’t be fixed.

abc123

Thank you for the update! I’m thankful he was admitted to the ward. I hope the VA will continue to keep the ball rolling!

Jeff86

Jmlarue, I admire your perspicacity to get your DH admitted to the ER, and to avert having him released to you.   Your safety and his are one and the same.  I hope the. Ed is can stabilize your DH and that you are able to exhale as you recover from this very trying experience.

Lynne D

JM, I admire your preparedness and resilience, and am deeply sorry it has come to this. Been there, done that with the police saying their hands are tied. Thanks for keeping us informed of your journey. I am interested in how they stabilize him and determine that he is ready to return home.

Marie58

I'm glad you are both safe. Prayers for him for the help he needs, and prayers for you to get some rest and to remain strong. Bless you both!