Answers

Artworks

Hello. I am new to your forum. I have just placed my husband, Bill, in MC. The first few days went fairly well. He engaged with folks, both residents and staff. This is day 5. He has called me many times today asking me when he is coming home. Why he can’t come home. When I come to visit him tomorrow, is he coming home with me. I simply do not know how to answer these questions.  My attempts at redirecting him are not working. He continues to ask when he is coming home. 

A little background:  Bill took a bad fall in 2020 that required a long surgery. After that he began to display the beginnings of dementia. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s not long after that. During the last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mastectomy and chemo. I am 79 and my ability to take care of him has dwindled due to these circumstances. I just get tired. Mentally and physically. 

I know many of you have gone thru this under similar or worse circumstances. I would appreciate your advice on how to reply to Bill’s questions?  It seems like a vicious circle!

Thank you!

toolbeltexpert

Artworks my dw is one week into a geripsych evaluation and hopefully a placement. But that question when am I coming home is heartbreaking, it takes a fib for me anyway. I remember what to say by the little orphan Annie song, tomorrow, it's always tomorrow. I made the mistake of saying I don't know one time. To my dw that was to opened ended, no hope in sight, tomorrow is just a day away.  They won't remember you said it tomorrow. And I need to learn how to better validate her fears, if that is even possible. I also know no 2 pwd are the same. Hoping someone else with more experience will chime in, I am always trying to learn how to deal with the troubling questions.

terei

I’m sorry, dear, but the DOCTOR is requiring you to stay there for rehab til he says you are ok to come home and I AM WELL ENOUGH to take care of you .  Doctors orders.

Either let his calls go to voicemail or restrict his access to a phone.  BY the way, if he has a phone set up to call anyone with one button,,,disable that.  Frankly, I would ‘break’ the phone + it cant be fixed because the batteries are ‘on back order’.   Repeat as needed.   He can talk to you if you call there(once a day). The staff will not hesitate to call you for any emergency.  He is causing you very unhealthy stress + the constant phone calls are not settling him, either.  He will do just fine.

DJnAZ

My wife is in her 8th week in memory care. Other than 10 days when the facility had a covid outbreak I have tried to visit at least weekly. However, I am a trigger for her wanting to leave. Aphasia limits her ability to effectively communicate, but when she sees me she goes to her room and starts packing.

Early on I told her that she needed to stay there until the doctor approves her to leave. Then I used the Annie line of "tomorrow". Neither had any impact. She sees me and to her that means it is time to go. I decided it doesn't matter if I tell her anything.

Yesterday the staff gave her meds to keep her calm before I arrived and it helped. But when it was time for me to leave she sensed it and began gathering her things to go with me. Nurses distracted her as I went out a side door. My having to sneak out while she isn't looking is heart breaking.

Sorry, I haven't answered your question but present this to illustrate the many terrible effects of dementia.

Artworks

Thank you for your replies! I appreciate your advice and, as awful as it sounds, glad to here this is not an unusual occurrence. I honestly thought the phone would make him feel more connected but now feel it was not the best thing to do. Today is visiting day for me and a good time to put your advice into practice. This is the first time in 50 years we have been apart, with the exception of separate vacations, so I just have to let go of control-not easy to do…..

ARgirl

Dear Artworks,

Your post was so profound for me this morning.  I am the caregiver of my husband, diagnosed with early onset disease nearly 11 years ago. We are still home together. But the last week I have seen a significant cognitive drop that is scary.  Bizarre and unsafe behaviors and I am slowly thinking about how much longer I can do this at home. 

It is particularly difficult when our own health issues arise, as with your cancer and chemo. I simply cannot imagine. But again, I am emotionally preparing as I go in for "additional studies" for breast cancer for myself next week.  As a caregiver, you simply cannot find time to attend to your own health needs, and it terrifies me.  I am glad you had the strength to place your spouse so you can live, dealing with your own health issues. 

Know that I am thinking of you, hoping your treatment puts you in remission soon. This was not the future any of us planned, is it? I never imagined considering placing my husband after 43 years together. But I am facing reality as the future holds so many unknowns.  Thanks for your honesty as well as the others that responded.  You cannot imagine how it sustains so many of us.  

By the way, logging on before 6am so I can have some time to post! When my husband gets up, the day becomes caregiving. Exhausting.

Ed1937

Artworks, welcome o the forum. Sorry you have a need for it, but you've found a good one. After four years of caregiving for my wife of sixty four years, I placed her in MC. With the exception of a run to the store or something similar, I was with her twenty four hours a day. She went into MC from a hospital stay for about a week. I guess it was because I was not with her all the time, she began thinking I had a girlfriend, and asking about her. I never had a girlfriend in our married life. 

But now back to MC. During her hospital stay, she kept begging me to take her home. The first day she went into MC, she started that again. I was a trigger for her because our kids could visit, and she would ask when I was coming to see her. The answer was always that I had covid, and couldn't visit for a while. But she didn't dwell on coming home. When she did bring it up, it was always up to the doctor, and he said she wasn't ready yet. 

Some people, when put in a facility, do well right off the bat. Some others take quite a while to become comfortable thinking this is their home now. I'm sorry you have to experience this, especially since you have your own health problems to take care of. 

Artworks

I was just getting ready to say all was going good, until, last night Bill escaped from the facility and was lost for 12 hours. Silver Alert, police, fire department, etc, including myself and daughter searched until after midnight. He had wondered over 3 miles and fallen down spending the night on the ground. He was found this morning by a passerby and taken to the police station. Other than bruises and contusions, physically he is ok. Who knows how this will effect him mentally and emotionally.  I believe the doctor is considering meds to keep him calmer like you said DJnAZ  we will see how that goes…..

The security features at the facility failed completely. Just a reminder to not take things for granted. I should have been more diligent and gotten more information about their security system. Bill is also diabetic, so I will need  to discuss their procedures with regard to that. This is a new facility, beautiful, but new in every way. I think I will end up monitoring their every move until I’m comfortable. Unfortunately, there are no other openings in and other facilities in this area. Thanks for listening!  

Joydean

So sorry you had such a terrible fright. Missing for 12 hours had to have been a very scary night. So very glad he was found and safe. Thank goodness for the passerby and took him to the police. I hope they had him checked out by his doctors. Hope the facility addresses their safety policies. Best of luck to you.

MaryG123

Oh my gosh, that’s terrible!  I can’t imagine what you went through while he was missing, and I’m so glad he’s back and safe.  Life is truly stranger than fiction.

Ed1937

Artworks, what a nightmare! I'm glad things turned out to mostly OK, but sorry both of you had to experience that. Please try to get some rest. You have to be worn out from that.

The facility should re-evaluate their security system. That's something they can't afford not to do, and remain in business very long. Hopefully it's something that will be addressed quickly. Please keep us updated.

eaglemom

Missing for 12 hours, my word my heart stopped when I read those words. I can't even begin to imagine what that was like. I'm so sorry that happened, I'm glad he wasn't badly hurt.

I would request a meeting with the facility to review exactly what went wrong with their procedures. Do the doors have camera's? At a certain time in the evening are the doors locked on the inside so residence can't get out? Try to help the facility get better safety procedures in place immediately. (Just being curious, whom from the facility was helping look for your LO?)

I am so sorry - hopefully your heartrate is finally down to normal now.

eagle

Hoot619

I'm glad he was found and in good shape. It must have terrible for you. I'm in the process of putting my DW in MC. I thought the doors were suppose to be kept locked all the time for the LO's safety.  Hoot

Artworks

I am truly thankful for this forum, your insight and support!  

Bill tried to escape again last night. Eaglemom, doors are always locked and if a door is breached, alarms are set off. The alarms in this case, failed. There are outside cameras which recorded his movements around the facility, but once he left the facility grounds, no cameras. The police brought in a search dog but he lost the scent not far from the facility. (I’m wondering if the dog was a “search and rescue” dog, or more trained for finding drugs.). The handler asked people to stay away from the search area as it would confuse the dog? . Therefore, searches were limited to driving around the area. Driving around in an urban area is pretty much useless. Too many shopping centers, residential areas, etc. 

Meeting with administrators Friday. This is certainly a learning experience!  Somebody needs to monitor the monitors. Backup systems need to be in place. More than one alarm?  More cameras?  We are talking about people’s lives!  People that have impaired mental faculties. Believe me, my daughter and I will be all over this!  

Meanwhile, the psych doctor is putting Bill on medication to reduce his symptoms.  Hopefully, that will make him less agitated!

jfkoc

Horrible for both of you.

Please do not fault yourself on your facility choice. There seems to be a new facility on every other block...each one better than the next. If they say that the facility is secure one would believe it is. Shame on them.

For the time being I think he and all of the other folks are safe but I too would be looking for another placement. Look for safety then training (a program that you can eveluate for yourself) followed by having them send a copy of  their contract and state license.

Again, do not doubt yourself as most of the facilities out there are, as my daughter says, ooie over pooie (sorry, no idea how that is spelled).

Please do keep us  updated and please know that we are with you!

toolbeltexpert

Artworks I just read your post about your dh going missing. I would have been a wreck,petrified to say the least, missing for 10 minutes is bad but 12hrs. I am sure that the mcf will be making some major changes after this. And so glad he wasn't hurt any more that what you described.

JJ401

I would have expected more than an alarm. The memory care facilities here, that I have been to, have a numerical keypad. You have to use a keypad to get in and out. The code is posted above the keypad on the way in with a note that it is the same code to exit. 

But, I don’t think there is a foolproof system. I know of one escape from one facility as the resident walked out with a visitor. Fortunately, he didn’t go far. He had worked grounds in a local town and was found tidying up in front of the facility. They now have a note above the exit keypad that you can only let out visitors who came in with you (as higher functioning residents can appear to be patients).

I’m glad your DH was found safe.

Ed1937

Artworks, if you don't mind, I'd like to make a suggestion. I know you're riled up about that experience. Anybody would be. But in order to get the job done in the most effective way, don't go in there with a chip on your shoulder. Present yourself as a partner with them to help address a serious consideration. This will work in your favor.

Iris L.

I would be thinking about putting trackers into his shoes and other clothing.

Iris L.

DJnAZ

The MC facility taking care of my wife has an interesting security system. The residents wear a small plastic monitor either around their neck like a necklace, on their wrist like a bracelet or even on their ankles. When/if they get within 6 feet of any access point it automatically locks the door(s). Once the person with the security device is away from the door the locks will release after about 20-30 seconds.

With considerable effort the security device can be removed but somehow it detects being removed and sends a signal that identifies the resident who has removed it.

My wife is a definite wander and escape threat and having seen their security system in operation I'm OK with the technology. It isn't totally fool proof, but better than a total lock down.

jfkoc

The systems discussed here to not pass muster for me. I think that only staff should be able to open a door...period. You ring a bell to get in and you find someone to let you out. That way someone trained it there to help if help is needed from a patient trying to get out!!!!

Ed1937

Judith, that's the way it was where my wife was. Ring a bell to get in, and someone lets you out.

Artworks

I did come across as rather abrasive in my earlier post. That is one of the unfortunate symptoms of my bipolar. That is why my daughter, Dawn, is the diplomat that will facilitate the conversation with the MC folks. 

The facility does have a key pad, used by the staff, that lets folks in and out.  They also have an alarm system that sounds when a door is opened without staff present.  This alarm failed to go off when Bill got out.  He used an emergency override switch to open the doors.  That system is also being changed.  I guess poor Bill was an unintended Guinea pig.  

The tracking devices are a great idea and we will put them on his shoes.  He is being given Depakote to help ease his anxiety and stabilize his moods.  

This forum has been a fountain of information, advice and support for me.  I appreciate all of you for that!  Many thanks!