Incessant emails

LauraM18

MIL recently had an injury that has kept her indoors for several weeks. She has deteriorated quite a lot because of this. We are looking to get her back to exercising & getting her some daily care, but one of the biggest issues has been that she is now emailing my husband about 20 times a day. The emails range from worried to nasty. It's stressing him out a lot. If he doesn't answer her within 10-15 minutes she starts escalating and can be really horrible to him. 

For those who have dealt with this, do you have any tips on how to deal with the incessant emails? 

Quilting brings calm

My suggestion would be to create a special folder in his inbox for emails  from her.  Create a Rule that moves all emails sent with her email address to that folder  automatically.  That should clear them out of his normal email stream so that he can see his other emails.  Then he should set a timer on his phone ( or computer ) that reminds him to go look at that folder on a schedule he prefers.  He can probably have the same Rule send an automated reply ‘ Mom, I’m busy right now but I will answer you when I can’.  

When he does look at the folder, he should respond only once no matter how many emails have collected.  Review all the emails, but only reply to the least offensive one, and only about topics raised in those types of emails.  In other words, give positive reinforcement  for ‘good’ emails, and do not give attention ( even negative) to the ‘bad’ emails.  Her behavior is attention seeking, Hopefully not getting attention for negative emails will curb her desire to send them. 

Only bring up the negative emails when he has a chance to see her in person.  And even then, only if  she seems with it enough to have a logical conversation with.  Use the same time to tell her he can only look at his emails x number of times a day. 

I get it about the escalation.  My mom does the same when I don’t immediately respond to her phone calls.  Although her escalation is in the form  of leaving  tear filled guilt tripping voice messages.  The constant barrage just stresses me out, especially when there’s no reason for it.  It makes it hard to get anything done on those days.   To make it worse, the topics of her phone calls are always the same. 

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harshedbuzz

Laura-

You've gotten some excellent advice here already. 

It's really hard to offer appropriate advice given the scant details in the situation. Is your MIL living alone? In her own home or some sort of independent living situation? What sort of injury was this? Did she require a hospitalization or surgical procedure that could have led to hospital psychosis (which can take time to settle) or cognitive dysfunction related to anesthesia? Or is this one of those situations where brain changes are what led to a fall/injury and the behaviors you are now seeing?

I completely agree that creating a ruse to stay with her 24/7 for a couple days would offer you more clarity around your next steps. Has she been diagnosed? What stage is she in? Does someone have the legal documents to act on her behalf to secure her finances and keep her safe? 

On one hand, this seems like a variation of the very common repetitive phone call scenario QBC described. Handling that can be very dependent on the stage or dementia. The best remedy is disappearing the device- allowing a PWD to be connected to the outside world whether via the internet or phones allows scammers to fleece her of assets that will be needed for her care.

Please take this seriously. My dad managed to lose $350K daytrading on a computer. There is no do-over for that. If she's using a laptop of phone, sometimes it's enough to slip the device into airplane mode although she would still be able to harass your husband by phone and would still be prey to telephone scammers. 

If your husband insists on allowing her the device, I would create a new email account for her communication only. He would then change the contact/erase the old one in her phone/laptop so she doesn't need to remember it. Then he could either pick a time of day to deal with her emails or deputize you to manage them allowing him to contact her at a time he chooses.

HB

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

I agree with the automatic response. I've personally not set one up but I've heard of people using that when they go on vacation. Creating a new account and redirecting her emails there also sounds doable.

That's just a quick fix though and doesn't address the real issue as the others have said. Good luck getting to the bottom of it while working out the emails.