Help Where do I begin

DebbieHead

My DH is showing signs of dementia and is paranoid  and he says I am seeking to "put him away, like all women do" Now granted I have never mentioned doing anything but trying to protect ourselves from losing everything we have. 

We do not have a diagnosis yet, our appointment isn't until January 06, 2023, I believe he will be fired from his job within a few weeks, he has been on FMLA for a Workmans Comp injury but apparently, he didn't file the papers correctly and I didn't know about them.

I am at my wits in with how to handle all of this. Every time I try to discuss something with him he  throws at me I am trying to put him away. 

I am not doing so well, coming to terms with the fact he isnt going to be able to function and make all the decisions has he has in the past, I barely can decide where to eat much less do the banking and such. So I am at a loss and I am so upset all the time and I sorta fear for my health too. 

I did look for a support group near me, there isnt one that I can attend. 

I guess I just needed to unload my mind a bit. Hopefully find some resources and just hold myself together 

Thank you

[Deleted User]

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Jo C.

Hello Debbie and a very warm welcome to you.   I can well understand how out in left field you must be feeling and it is good you have found this place.  You will, by taking certain steps, be able to get a much better grip on things and find your way through the forest of difficulties.

It will not be a positive to argue, or point out the truths or to try and discuss anything in an informative manner as your husband is not hearing at this point.  His brain is damaged and he no longer has the ability to use good judgment, reasoning, or logic.  At such a point, we must work around our Loved One and it is sometimes necessary to use fiblets to be able to achieve what must be done. Such fiblets, when necessary, become a good tool in the Caregiver's toolbox.

Victoria gives excellent advice.  It would be best to gather all the papers you have regarding your husband's disability and see a Disability Attorney as soon as possible for the reasons Victoria has stated. 

It is also a very good idea to see a Certified Elder Law Attorney as soon as possible. This is necessary to get yourself positioned as best can for what the future will hold and while your husband can still sign his name.  A CELA is necessary; a regular general attorney does not have the experience and detailed knowledge an elder law attorney has and that is very important.  It does take fees to have such services, but do know it is to your future well-being to prevent future disasters. Sometimes, a first attorney meeting will be at no charge; you can check on that when contacting an attorney's office.

When it came time to sign papers, I knew my Loved One (LO) would not be willing to sign a "Power of Attorney," etc.  I simply called the attorney meeting and papers as, "Estate Planning," and did not use the term, "Power of Attorney," and clued the attorney in; the attorney was used to such dynamics and was helpful.   I had to pretend to have my LO sign my Power of Attorney, but it was not real - it just helped get things done.  The attorney and I destroyed that one and the real one for me was done and kept confidential.

As for the, "appointment," not until January 2023.  That is not acceptable.  Hopefully you are speaking of a specialist in dementia such as a Neurologist or other speciality in that line.  You would be best served by contacting the Office Manager of said practice or the RN in the practice - let them know how severe your husband's condition has become - and be a little dramatic if must - AND also DO let them know your husband is going to lose his job very soon and you NEED to get him in to be seen while he still has medical insurance.

There is one other way to get your husband seen faster. If the above call does not work, your primary care MD can actually make a personal call to the specialist, explain the severity of need and ask for the patient to be seen asap.  This often works like a charm.  It is another choice.  You need help far sooner than January.

Also, the Alzheimer's Assn. has a 24 hour Helpline that can be reached at, (800) 272-3900.  If you call, ask to be transferred to a Care Consultant.  There are no fees for this service.  Consultants are highly educated Social Workers who specialize in dementia and family dynamics. They are great support for the caregiver; we can let our feelings b known and even rant if we need to; they have infomation and can often assist us with our problem solving.  It helps to have someone who will listen.

You will find much support here; we are all in support of one another, and that now includes you too!

With warmest thoughts being sent your way; do let us know how you are doing,

J.

toolbeltexpert

Debbie I am so sorry you had to find our happy forum, just to lighten the mood,it's not only woman who say they are trying to get rid of him, my wife said the same thing about me. We did get a Dpoa and as suggested,when you have to have him go, " I would get it set up in private and let the lawyer in on your problem" it's either estate planning or it's a paper in case something happens to you really. It went well with my Dw. The others have written very good advice and it may seem like so much, Take a deep breath and many more that is a good strategy to help you deal with what's going on it really does help. You will get thru this. I will be praying for you Debbie. I was at wits end not long ago and got directions right here.

DebbieHead

We are in Kentucky and he is 54

DebbieHead

64 not 54

Iris L.

Debbie, you will have to learn to be very specific about your terms.  For examples Family Medical Leave does not go along with Worker' Compensation leave.  The criteria for leave are different.  It is important to be precise and for paperwork to be precise, otherwise claims can be denied and the authorities won't care if there has been a minor mistake. 

I agree six months is much too long to wait.  What has been happening medically since the WC injury?  Is he getting any type of treatment or therapy? He needs to be seen immediately by a dementia specialist!  Is his injury a brain trauma?  Traumatic brain injuries can cause a type of dementia.  You have to grt his old records, working with the lawyer.  Follow the above advice on how to proceed and on getting a quicker appointment.  Your future is in jeopardy, because you are right, he could be fired in a few days and lose whatever benefits he might have.  Keep posting, the members here are experienced and knowledgeable!

Iris L 

Marie58

Debbie, please read these responses carefully and more than once if necessary. It's all great advice by some of our very knowledgeable members.

I don't have anything to add, except to encourage you. I'm glad you found this forum so early in your journey. You will learn more here than anywhere else. It can feel very overwhelming at first, but just take a day at a time and one step at a time. The advice you received has some very important steps for you to take now. Don't delay. 

You and your DH are in my prayers. If you're like me, I needed lots of strength, patience and peace in the early stages. Actually I still do.

Read lots and post any questions you have.