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Judide65

Well, I guess I should've expected it.  My EO-ALDO's kids have decided that there is no real need for any future planning at this time.  I am the kind of person who "takes the bull by the horns", if you know what I mean.  Since the diagnosis and prescription meds (which she doesn't remember to take), they feel as though everything is coasting along.  

I do not agree.  We have planning to do about her future living accommodations, care-giving options, etc.  I firmly do not believe that "coasting" is an option.  Since it is their mom and my sister, do I have any say?  They rarely visit her (she lives with our aging mother) and are good to let that continue.  

I personally can't let my mother continue to be the primary caregiver.  I live out of state and am visiting as much as I can, but am realistic.  

So frustrated. 

M1

Judi, do you have power of attorney for either of them?  That is going to make a big difference.  If you have POA for your mother, you can change the situation and take her out of the equation.  Or if your mother is still competent to do it, she can say she can't do it any more (if she will, and that is another issue I realize).  Otherwise you're probably spinning your wheels, and that is very frustrating indeed.....

Judide65

M1 - I have POA for my sister, not my mother.  But everything I have read indicates that the family should be in agreement on activities, planning, etc.  This is where we used to be, but their lack of involvement has caused them to be on a different opinion then when we started.  I don't want to pull the "POA Card", but I am not afraid to use it.  That means I will alienate myself and cause undesired conflict.  

I am trying to walk the line of keeping everyone in agreement, but augh....

Quilting brings calm

Judi

The kids are in agreement… that you as POA and grandma ( as the caregiver) will do all the heavy lifting.  Since they don’t have POA and don’t live with her, they don’t feel it’s their responsibility to make the decisions.  They may not even feel they have the legal right to do so, since you have the POA.  As POA, you do have the legal right and authority.   

Conflicts in this situation ( you a planner, them coasting) are inevitable.   You are rightfully upset and resentful  that the kids haven’t stepped up.  But that resentment isn’t getting your sister the help she needs.  If you don’t want your mom to be her caregiver, then you need to hire in home health for your sister or hire  an appropriate placement for her. 

Your sister gave you the POA rather than her kids. She  trusted you to make better decisions for her than they would.  How old are they? People in their 20s-40s often just cannot wrap their heads around their parents needing help.

It’s a common occurrence in this disease that the family are like rats leaving a sinking ship.  One member often gets left doing it all. 

Judide65

Quilting Brings Calm - 

Thank you for your response.  Deep down, I know you are right.  I have POA for a reason.  I am struggling with just how much they are truly not engaged.  My sister needs help and I think that getting some home assistance may be a good idea.  My mother needs a break - badly.  We both agree that she cannot be the caregiver for much longer.  It's too much for her (or anyone for that matter).  

I will focus on getting my mother the relief she needs.  Maybe, that will cause some eyes to open.  If it doesn't, then at least my mother will be in a better spot. 

thanks. 

dayn2nite2

You can't force people to care.

Do what you need to with your POA.  I wouldn't be too optimistic about them suddenly taking an interest.

harshedbuzz

Judide65 wrote:

M1 - I have POA for my sister, not my mother. 

What are your mom's thoughts on this? I mean, a 70 year old who is healthy and capable and choosing to act as caregiver to their child is a decision to respect even if it wouldn't be your choice. (I would still have a shovel-ready Plan B in place for a MCF placement in my back pocket) A frail 80-something whose become default because no one else steps up is a different matter even if she wants to continue. She may be doing this to spare her grandchildren the burden at a time in their lives where they should be focused on education, careers and relationships. 

It might make sense to obtain POA on mom so you can take steps to protect her as necessary if she won't end this situation in which she is being taken advantage of. 

But everything I have read indicates that the family should be in agreement on activities, planning, etc. 

That situation is something of a unicorn. Most of us have heard of such a thing but never actually seen it. The closest one typically comes to this is when one is an only child.

This is where we used to be, but their lack of involvement has caused them to be on a different opinion then when we started. 

This must be very difficult for them with EO and the implication of losing their mom at a younger age as well as the risk of EO to themselves going forward. It's kind of understandable they might not be up to facing the reality. 

I don't want to pull the "POA Card", but I am not afraid to use it.  That means I will alienate myself and cause undesired conflict.  

It's not so much a card as an obligation. You are legally responsible for your sister's well-being and/or finances depending on what the POA(s) say. Your sister made this decision to name you over your mom or the kids because she trusted you to make the right choices. 

If the kids don't agree with your choices when it's time to exercise them, they have the right to attempt to obtain guardianship. Given their absence, assuming you have done well by your sister, they might not prevail. 

I am trying to walk the line of keeping everyone in agreement, but augh....

Trying to convince others is a waste of energy better spent making Plan B. If the arrangement is working for mom and sister now, you can probably let that be for a time and focus on a plan for care when this is no longer the case. As POA it might make the most sense for sister to move closer to you and go into a care facility. If she doesn't have a LTC policy or considerable assets, you may need to consult with a CELA about qualifying her for Medicaid in whatever state she will be living in. Rules around this can vary. Where I live, a PWD would have to go into (and qualify for) a SNF bed; in other states MCFs might be covered. 

I am sorry you are in this situation and do hope her kids come around on their own.

HB

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jfkoc

Everyone in agreement? Now that would be nice.

Read the document carefully to se if it is a POA or a DPOA. Then proceed with the legal responsibilities it dictates. You can only act on the responsibilities written within the document.

Check to see if your state calls for separate agents for health and finances. While you are at it get the correct documents for your mother and yourself. 

 I would proceed with doing what you think is in your sister's best interest.  I would not keep the children in the dark...but I would not make a big deal about including them in your plans.

Go ahead and start looking for placement and/or additional help knowing that the decision are yours alone. 

The bull is yours to grab!

mommyandme (m&m)

I am thinking along the same lines as the others:

Get POA for mom… Talk to mom about hiring in…Make the decisions for your sister as the POA intended…Tell the children what’s going to happen, (control that bull), they have no clue what to do and are in denial… try to take care of the caregivers, you and your mom. You are both extremely important in this journey too.  

I’m so sorry for these struggles.  If my brother and I weren’t on the same page, this nightmare would be catastrophic!  I hope you can find some peace, at least within your own mind, soon. 

May flowers

Your wisdom and understanding concerning your sister’s condition and the need to plan and be proactive rather than reactive is probably why your sister named you as POA. I’d move forward with what you know is best and just let them know.

In the early days, we explained every potential action for my LO  in detail with siblings and requested feedback. It was exhausting because it took a while to get responses, which usually ended up being “whatever you think is best”. Eventually, we took that to heart and my DH acts in the way he thinks is best and let’s them know after (if it’s a major thing, but not minor things like med changes or hiring a caregiver) to keep them in the loop. We had a little pushback on the caregiver (because of the costs), but our stance is, unless you are going to come here and help us out yourself on a regular basis, then this is how it has to be - for everyone’s health and sanity.

MaryG123

Knowing that it probably won’t happen, you could ask them to take take turns caring for her.  Then, when it fails to happen, use the DPOA to make the best possible plans for her.  I don’t envy you.