Massive Anxiety for my Dad that we moved into memory care

LRichburg

We moved my Dad to memory care a week ago.  He is experiencing massive anxiety regarding being worried about getting his car and his wife. (My Mom passed 3 years ago).  He calls my phone and my 3 brothers phones probably 20 times a day.  Sometimes it's that he's mad at us, sometimes he's so confused and thinks he's at work and wants to know when he's being picked up.  My questions are:  Do we try to visit?  Can this help or hurt the anxiety?  Originally we were told to give him a week to settle, but it hasn't happened.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.  Thank you

M1

Welcome to the forum LRichburg.  This is a good place, sorry you needed to look for it.

I have tremendous empathy for your situation.  I put my partner in memory care over three months ago (after a psych hospitalization, and she still hasn't settled enough for me to go visit.  Now, my situation is more extreme than most.  But i tell you that to know that it may well take much more than a week.

You may need to rethink the phone.  My partner doesn't have one, and it would be the same thing--calling me non-stop.  I realize it may be difficult to take it away from him, but that may be what needs to happen--it may need to "break" for a while and be out to get fixed.  Either that, or just let it go to voicemail.  But probably better to take it away if you can.  The staff will call you if there's a problem, and you can call in to check on him.

Others will chime in, there are lots of folks here with both partners and parents in MC.  Your best cues will probably come from the staff, remember they've done this before and have seen it all.  Good luck, it is never easy.

dayn2nite2

How is he contacting you?  Does he have his own phone?  If so, remove it.  If he is getting staff to call and putting him on the phone, they cannot deny him the right to speak to others.  They have to place the calls.

I think telling you a week to get settled was a fib.  Some people take months.  If he is calling from his own cell phone or a phone you had put in his room, he will not be able to settle until it is removed.

MN Chickadee

These initial days after the move are so hard for everyone involved. It just depends on the person. Some people settle in faster than others. Some families need to stay away a long time, others are able to visit right away without issue. You could give it a try and see how it goes. Bring treats and try to be upbeat. Excusing yourself to the bathroom or similar is often necessary to slip out instead of a big goodbye where they try to leave with you. Our early visits set my mother back and seemed to re-set asking to go home and disrupt her adjustment so we ended up staying away quite a few weeks.  I received calls from her in MC for weeks, it was very hard on me. When I spoke with her I just tried to reassure her. I will be there soon, I love you, you can go home when the "doctor" clears you, I will see you soon. Rinse and repeat. It just takes time. This phase will pass, hang in there.