Neighbor Complaining

Michelle Lynn

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's two years ago.  She is a widow who lives alone, quite well for now, but often relies on her kind and supportive neighbors for things like replacing a furnace filter, a lightbulb or help with her TV remote.  I live out of state and visit regularly, but am not there daily to check in on her.  

I have been in frequent contact with her neighbor who knows of her diagnosis and has agreed to let me know when she sees more changes or decline in my mom.  She recently expressed more frustration of my mom's constant asking for help to the point where she said she and her husband don't even like to go out of their house because my mom will corner them into doing something for her.  My mom will hyper fixate on something if she wants it done immediately and will not be at ease until it's done.  She has lost some basic social graces.  The neighbor told my mom recently she and her husband were eating dinner and my mom waited in the driveway until they were finished.   

I feel badly my mom is becoming such a nuisance to the neighbors, but I also know she will be happiest living independently as long as possible.  She is still safe and functioning well at home, but I don't want the neighbors to feel like prisoners in their own home. 

We have had repeated conversations, to no avail, about limiting her dependence on the neighbors.  She simply forgets. 

Any thoughts or advice on how to handle the interaction with the neighbors?   Thank you. 

dayn2nite2

She can no longer live independently.  Please be aware that neighbors can eventually call adult protective services in their state and then the state will take it from there.  Time for something to change here soon.

You do NOT want the state deciding where she needs to live.  Be proactive and start figuring out where she needs to go.  If she needs to move, make sure it’s within an hour’s drive of you.

SusanB-dil

Hi Michelle Lynn - 

Not mentioning just how far along your mom is, but if it has been about 2 years, perhaps time for you to re-assess the situation.  Sorry, but it doesn't sound like she is 'functioning well' at this point if she is pretty much harassing the neighbor so much, even over a tv remote.  That is very kind of them to keep an eye on her, but not to the point of them not even wanting to dare go outdoors.  That sounds like indication that there may be a decline in her status.

Could you maybe stay with her a few days/week to see where she really stands?

zauberflote

Michelle, those neighbors are angels, but they will lose their halos pretty soon since your mom is not aware enough to know she's being a true pest to them, because of her dementia. 

My sister, whom Mom lived very near,  was at about those neighbors' stage when she had her "I cannot and will not do this any more" moment with Mom. She started the AL search (not difficult; there were only two!), and Mom had a new abode in a few months. Mom was also happier living independently (because she thought she was just fine!), but one day soon she was going to start a kitchen fire anyway...

If you are able, it could be a good idea to go stay with mom for a few days, and get a feeling for how things really are with her and the neighbors. The neighbors may feel hesitant to come out and say "dear, your mother has declined", and it would be good for them not to lose the good feelings built up over the years. 

M1

Hi Michelle and welcome to the forum, I see this is your first post.

I have to agree with the other posters here:  as much as you wish it weren't the case, this is all the evidence you need to say that her independent days are over.  It's time for a change, and it won't be easy because she probably doesn't realize it either.  If you're not familiar with it, look up anosognosia-it's a deficit of the disease and she doesn't realize anything is wrong.  So unfortunately you can't expect her to agree to the changes, you are the one who is going to have to step in.  Hope you have power of attorney, because you are going to need to invoke it in all likelihood.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Iris L.

Some years ago before I understood about dementia, I was in the neighbor's place.  A new resident whom I had visited to welcome, proceeded to lock me inside the condo because she feared the "people" who had moved from her prior home to harass her.  I quickly realized that she was not in her right mind.  Nevertheless she had the keys in her pocket.  I was wondering how I could wrestle this woman for the keys but I was able to get her to unlock the door and release me.  Our manager said that her son had purchased the unit for her.  I told him to do something, otherwise I was going to call the police.  The next day, she was gone.  It is not fair for neighbors to be in danger when the family is unwilling to do what needs to be done properly.

Iris

jfkoc

Unfortunately there is no solution to "work out" with the neighbors. Your mother is past that. Filter and light bulb maybe but when she can not work the remote you need to step in.

I would simply thank them and let them know that  you are finding placement for your mother. 

I know that is not what you wanted to hear but as day posted, you do not want the state involved. 

JJ401

her neighbor who knows of her diagnosis and has agreed to let me know when she sees more changes or decline in my mom.

The neighbor is doing exactly what she said she would. She is letting you know your mom has declined. She is also letting you know that this arrangement cannot continue. Your job now is to go there and find a safe place for your mom. She is not safe living in the house. She is not functioning well living alone. And while she tells you that she wants to live independently, the fact that she keeps turning up at the neighbors indicates otherwise. The inability to manage her daily life has to be scary for her, no matter what she is telling you. It’s only a matter of time until the neighbors are not there when she goes there and the police become involved. 

Find a memory care for your mom. Invent a problem with the house that needs a part on backorder. Bill the memory care as a luxury hotel with a 3 a day meal plan. Move her.

Michelle Lynn

Many thanks to everyone for your insightful and educational responses and tips. I do know that the hard decision of an upcoming move has arrived. 

I have the POA and I have had a deposit in place at a nice assisted living / memory care facility in her town (I live out of state about five and a half hours, but my husband and I are in the process of buying a cottage near her as a second residence) and have spoken to the manager about the process on multiple occasions.  She insists she doesn’t want to move to our state, but we realize as the disease progresses, we may move her here. 

We will be visiting her next week, so I will broach the difficult topic with her and schedule an intake assessment at the facility. 

Thank you. 

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Jo C.

As I see this from what you have written, it isn't just about asking the neighbor for help with this and that; what I see is a person who feels insecure, very alone, and not safe.  She is not able to concretely define that, but she strongly emotionally feels it and is simply acting on those fearful feelings the only way she knows how - by asking the trusted people she knows for help with various small items so she can be with them - that is the only way she knows how to have access to them.  I can imagine as the days hours get late, she feels more alone and fearful at those points in time.

You are doing the right thing in finding her a good assisted living setting. She will have much more socialization, activities and assistance when needed.  In fact, it often helps to have someone paid to be a companion for a few hours a few days a week. I did this with my mother even though she was near where I lived, but I worked; I found a lovely woman who I paid to visit my mother a few days a week for a few hours.  She became a "friend," and my mother never knew it was a paid companion.  It really personalized things and it went a long way in being a comfort and happy dynamic all the way around.  Perhaps having someone like that to start sooner rather than after a move, may make the move easier as she would still have access to her companion who would continue to visit.

As for the cottage near your mother, that of course is up to you; as your mother's condition continues to evolve, and it will, she will need a bit more family involvement and time; will a distant cottage be workable in such circumstances which often happen abruptly and require time for oversight and management?

The time may well come sooner or later in that everyone would be best served by having her in a setting near where you live.  Not only will her dementia continue to evolve, but her physical self will have healthcare issues that  will need some assistance and managing. It is a lot to think about, but these are the realities many of us have faced and it may be good to make plans to accommodate those dynamics rather than having to run hither and thither at unexpected times trying to manage from a distance. 

So hope all goes well and that your dear mother gets relief soon.   If the neighbors are aware that you are seeking to make changes and move your mother and if they understand that it is insecurity and loneliness that is causing the persistent requests for help, they may be more patient and understanding knowing help is on its way.

Let us know how it is going and am sending best wishes for all to go well,

J.

M1

ML, just a comment and suggestion:  don't try to discuss this with her.  I did this many times before I learned.  Her ability to reason is gone, and getting her to agree to a move is a futile undertaking.  I agree with Victoria about the fiblet strategies, you're going to have to come up with something--such as that you just found mold in the house, it's going to take a long time to repair, we're going to have to get you out of here but I've found a place.  Much more likely to work.  And I wouldn't tell her about the assessment, I'd just take her.  She won't know what it's for, and you can let the assessors know ahead of time (remember, they've done this many times).  

When my partner was first diagnosed I assumed our doctor would tell her she had Alzheimer's and that some light would go off so that she would realize she needed help and accept it.  I discussed this with our doc and he literally laughed at me.  So we've all been through this.  It's hard to give up treating your mom like you always have, but the time has come, for sure.  Do let us know.