Is moving the right thing?

KathyF1

Hi everyone, I’ve been trying for awhile to decide whether I should move or not. DH is stage 5 Alzheimer’s. We live on a 100 acre farm 15 minutes from a very small town. Town has limited resources. We have few friends (fewer as he progresses) and are here alone most of the time. 

So I listed the farm a couple months ago and just put a contract on a house (small farm) just minutes from my sister and mom. (They live about 5 hours from here.)  The new farm is certainly a far cry from my dream home. Needs work before we can even move in. But it scares me to face the future here with DH. 

 Moving to my sisters town will give us the in home care we need when the time comes. And getting some relief now will be possible as my husband loves hanging out with mom and sister.  I actually might get some time alone. BUT, the farm we live on now is truly paradise. 100 acres of gorgeous pastures, a pond, guest house, the most beautiful barn, and a house we custom built. Where I’m going is simply all that’s available near my sister that will allow me to take horses. I’ve looked for months and a farm like this is simply not there. I guess I’m needing some encouragement that I’m doing the right thing. Some friends think I’m nuts to leave this place. So- from those of you who have walked this road, can you tell me that I’m right in making this choice? All is pretty manageable now, and it’s easy to put your head in the sand and think “I can do it”. But  as hard as it is to imagine I know he will progress to a point where I’ll simply need help. And I do know the lack of “normal” conversation just about drives me crazy and I need family. Just really hard leaving something you’ve spent years creating for something that is just “practical”. 

jfkoc

So I think the reality is that as things progress you are not going to be able to take care of everything. 

While moving near you family is a plus I do not think you should count on them to seriously help you with caregiving. Please be certain that where you move will have the resources you will likely need. Doctors, hospitals, caregivers, Hospice....

KathyF1

Yes I checked into that, the town hospital has excellent memory care resources.

sandwichone123

You are young, and will have many years after your dh is gone (in memory care or deceased). Partly I'd say this is a financial calculation. With less support you might need to place your dh sooner, but that would allow you to stay put. If you can't place him, the resources of family and town would indicate moving, but you'd have a lot of work to do on the new place and a lot of years to be there.

Ed1937

Kathy, I just read your profile. In it you said "He is at the stage now where he needs help making a phone call, turning on the TV, choosing the right clothing etc. I am the sole caregiver and have promised him I’ll always care for him (even though he is usually in denial about his disease). " If he is at that stage now, it may not be too long before you or someone else might have to be with him 24/7. When that happens, will you even be able to handle even the small farm by yourself? Will you have others to help with that? I know you're still young, but you do have limits. Even if he doesn't need 24/7 supervision in the near future, he will require more from you than you are dealing with now. There is a lot to consider. 

Judith makes a good point when she says that you might not be able to depend on family the way you hope for. Maybe you'll get lucky. Just don't bet the farm on it.

I know you told him you would take care of him, but please don't promise to never put him in a facility. You might have to do that at some point, and if you promise that, it will make it all that much harder to do.

M1

Farmer to farmer:  You're doing the right thing, at least to sell the property you have.  Appropriateness of the place you're moving into is a judgement call.  I'm all alone on 150 acres now, and while I've been able to hire some help, I wish I had been able to convince my partner to downsize years ago and never could.  I can manage, but it's lonely and hard.  we're 13 miles from a grocery store.  If I didn't have a good mechanic across the road I'd never make it.

I would think hard not only about being close to family and other resources, but what you want for yourself long-term.  Remember, he is not going to survive this or even probably care much about the home setting as long as you're there.  Is the place you're moving to what you can see for yourself after he's gone (either to MC or death), or will you face another move at some point?  The thought of having to move more than once makes me ill, and I'm only 66.  As it is, I'll have to have help and a big estate sale when the time comes (two full barns to empty out as well as the house and a rental cabin, and all my own stuff in storage from a previous house in town).  Exhausting just to think about.

JoseyWales

What do YOU want? Where do you want to live?

I'm on a 10 acre "farm", although the farm animals are long gone. I keep being told "How are you going to take care of that all by yourself?" and honestly, I'm sick of hearing that. I can either take care of it or hire help. I'm just a little bit younger than you at 54.

I live 20 minutes from the nearest town, and really at least 30 minutes to the specialists who travel here once a week, or an hour to the closest town with actual specialists. The REAL specialists are about 3 hours away. People kept telling me to move, that it would be easier and I'd be closer to whatever. But the thought of moving seemed like it would be harder on him than staying in our house where we'd lived for over 20 years.

I work 10 minutes from home, so that's a plus. My parents live 1/2 mile down the road - they weren't any help as DH progressed. Honestly, family was of limited help.

The biggest help I got was my hired caregivers. It was a huge hurdle to find them where I live, but once I did they were great.

I thought I'd take care of DH here until the end. But he started having some behaviors that just didn't make that possible. He's now in a memory care that's about 40 minutes away. And I'm still in my house on my property that I love.

KathyF1

Thank you all. Ed, you’re right, I know I may have to place him in memory care at some point. Another reason to move there- the memory care facility in town has a great reputation and is 20 minutes away. Here if I had to place him it would be somewhere at least an hour away. And down the road, as much as I love this farm, I’m not sure I’d want to be here alone. Living near family now and in the future I guess is the deciding factor for me. 

Again, thank you all for your wisdom and advice. 

toolbeltexpert

I agree with JW I think it's up to you, every situation is different, just like a pwd. I also agree there is a lot to think about if you still young. I don't know how the market is there but things haven't slowed much where I live and If I could strike while the irons still hot I would.

zauberflote

I hope Lorita sees this thread, so she can share her experiences with the ranch!

Lorita

HI,

Kathy, I just read your thread and the responses.  I live on a 130 farm/ranch, about 15 minutes from a very  small town.  My doctor is there and almost everything I need at the present.  I was born in this house 80'years sgo.  I've lived here at least 78 of those years and I pray I will never have to leave.

Charles was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in 2008.  We had no family nearby. I lost my parents in the 1990s and his folks live in the Texas Panhandle.  So, it was the two of us.  Charles was a veteran so we had help from the VA,  The hospital is 25 miles away.  But, aside from medications and occasional hospital stays I was the sole caregiver. I was fortunate that Charles was able to stay on the farm he loved until a few days before he passed away.

We ran cattle and took care of everything on the farm.  Charles was able to help until about three years before I lost him in 2015. We never one-time thought of selling the farm or cattle.  We hired  people to bale hay but we did the rest.

After I lost him I continued to run cattle doing the feeding myself until maybe four years ago when a friend started feeding hay for me.  I did the other feeding and what I couldn't do, I  was able to hire done.  This past December after a terribly cold, icy winter I did decide to sell the cattle except for one steer who is visually impaired. I knew he couldn't make it anywhere else.  Our vet bought the cattle and they're still here on the farm.  In my heart they're still mine.  I watch after them and he does the feeding. 

I doubt very seriously that I will ever leave here. If I ever do sell arrangements will be made for me to stay here as long as I want.

I haven't read your profile but it was mentioned that you're still fairly young.  It sounds like you love your place and I can tell from your writing that you really had rather stay on your farm. You have your husband now so that's company but I know how hard it is. If you have to place him, you can still visit and have the farm you love.  When I would get down if I went out in the pasture with the girls I always felt better.  Also had a tree limb that I used to sit on and feel better.

Even now I still go out and sit with the girls and feel better.  In a way it makes me feel close to Charles because we did that everyday.

Of course it's a decision you will have to make and probably won't be an easy one.  Think about where you'd rather be when you're alone.  Like me, you probably have a couple of good neighbors.. I have the girls, four cats and two Great Pyrenees so I'm never alone.  

Please let us know what you decide -Kathy, in your heart you already know what you want to do. You'll make the right decision.

RobertsBrown

Hi Kathy,

Farmer to farmer here too.  We left our custom built house and the shop that launched my business. BUT we didn't sell.

We leveraged the equity we had in our place to buy our new place.  We have a gigantic mortgage, but we also have a paid off property we could sell to pay off this place.

Point is, we were not ready to let our dream home go, but we needed a bigger farm, so we made the move.  If we chickened out, we could sell this place and go back home.

Consider the option of renting out your farm to an ambitious individual that wants to work the land.  We did, and our renter is amazing...buys gravel!  That's a good renter.

You may be able to have your cake, and eat it too.

MaryG123

We sold our farm in WI 25 yrs. ago when DH was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  It was heartbreaking at the time, but also a huge relief and I have no regrets.  Maintaining paradise is a lot of work!  You will create a smaller simpler version that’s right for you now, and someday you’ll probably downsize again.  My gut tells me you are absolutely doing the right thing by planning ahead now instead of waiting for it to become a critical situation.  Good luck!

Tony484

I've been dealing with the same issues in a different situation, which may or may not be relevant to you.  Our paradise is a lake home that is really only about 40 minutes from a small city with good services, support, etc etc.  But even that distance/drive if necessary regularly is onerous along with all the other responsibilities of the disease, as well as the greater difficulty in getting care help out in paradise.  I recently realized that I do not want to sell the lake house, and figured out how to work our finances so that we could buy a smallish but nice enough home near the small city 40 minutes away, which will be our home as my DW progresses. But I'll use a real estate agency to rent the lake house and use the rental income towards her care (in-home now, but eventually almost certainly facility care).  Then at some point I can decide to move back to the lake or stay in town.  That will be a complicated decision, and I actually doubt that I'd move back to the lake because of my age, but there is enough of a possibility that I would move back that I want to preserve the option.  I know I'm very lucky to be able to do that.  It would be nice if you could afford for your big farm to be rented long term to someone who will appreciate the property. That said, I'm learning that when I rent our lake place, and even now when I can drive out for checks and maintenance, I still have to hire a variety of people to keep it in decent shape (landscape people, mechanical systems checks and work, snow plowing etc. etc).

KathyF1

Wow I’m so glad to read posts from fellow “farmers”. Thankful that others can identify with the passion of living on a farm. My husband and I bought this farm 9 years ago, his symptoms became apparent about 5 years ago. Honestly I don’t know if living here alone at some point would be what I want. What I do know is that I will always need my horses at home and space around me. The farm I bought near my sister is just 22 acres. But my horses can be there. I’m 61, I think I will try to manage the farm life as long as I can. This farm may take a long while to sell- I see that as a good thing because it will give me time to know if I want to try to keep it or not. What feels like a huge relief is knowing that I will be in a more manageable position in the coming years with family close by and good medical resources  

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.